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Divorce/Separation :
Getting kids full time--questions & concerns

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Crazytrain101 (original poster member #48200) posted at 4:11 PM on Friday, April 14th, 2023

So-currently divorcing my Narc STBXH, it's going to be long and drawn out event for sure.

Before the temp parenting plan, STBXH took my son for 7 weeks and refused to let me see or talk to him--when finally ordered to bring me my son initially STBXH told DS to act bad and throw things around which after speaking with my attorney he suggested to call the police--which did result in a police visit as well as the STBXH showing up--since we had no plan in place the police suggested STBXH just take my DS. Later that night STBXH filed a restraining order against me on behalf of my DS. His attorney was furious. 10 days later it was dismissed by STBXH.

Once the plan was in place, STBXH called and asked if I was going to "demand" DS come visit, I said YES. He said DS didn't love me and why would I call the police on him to traumatize him, I said I don;t need to call the police because if YOU don't comply you'll end up in contempt of court and possibly serve a few days of time.

When I FINALLY saw my DS he said to me "DAD told me to act bad that night--he said you would call him to get me & you wouldn't make me come back" crying I was literally heartbroken and furious! Also that night STBXH pulled DS into his room after I dropped him off to dinner and came out crying telling my DD who was there that "he was going to die"--I have no earthly idea what the hell is going on?!?! I do know that DS has witnessed tons of STBXH's cheating and STBXH knows I have the proof for our post-nuptial with infidelity clause so what the hell is he needing to keep my son under lock and key for? I'm sure that's why he moved out while I was out of town with my DD and took him.

Needless to say STBXH begrudgingly caved and we have been doing the 50/50 successfully for 6 weeks.

Here's my new concern (amoung many), we are currently on a temp parenting plan that's 50/50.My attorneys have advised due to the kids age that by next year they can chose to not 50/50 likely before the D is over BUT I have come to realize my STBXH is using my son as his "flying monkey" after listening to a conversation the other night.

STBXH said the following to my DS 14:

Did anyone talk about me at Easter? DS replied NO-STBXH said, "I'm sure you wouldn't tell me anyways"

Did you tell your mom you wanted grilled chicken haha laugh (STBXH knew my grill flew into my pool the other day) DS said NO.

Did they wait for you kids to come over before they ate Easter dinner? DS said YES--STBXH said "well I'm surprised"

Are you going to play football this year? DS said NO-he wanted to play soccer--STBXH said he wanted a DNA test since a son of his would want to play football.

The conversation before that included this gem "I saw your mom's Facebook photos of you both on Spring Break--you looked like you had fun..DS said nothing--STBXH says "well that's really great for you now isn't it" an proceeded to hang up on my DS 14.

Please keep in mind that there is ZERO co-parenting happening here--STBXH and I do not speak and although I've sen t many emails concerning the kids I have received ZERO response EVER.

AND my DS is very peppery towards me on a lot of occasions with I rebuff and tell him I will not tolerate any disrespect.

He is with a therapist through school about to go to a better therapist shortly but DS is not really talking about what STBXH is telling him.

I'm going to try and tape any conversations I can but this is beyond insane--my DS is very fearful of my STBXH and if my DS would speak up I'm sure I would get full custody. My attorneys think since 50/50 is so favored right now in the courts and the kids ages 14 & 15 it's worthless without a huge issue.

Ideas-insight--much needed and appreciated. CT

[This message edited by Crazytrain101 at 4:20 PM, Friday, April 14th]

8 years ago-found out he was a serial cheater-Reconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1848   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8786933
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emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 6:07 PM on Friday, April 14th, 2023

Your STBXH sounds terrible. I'm so sorry you and your son need to deal with this. He wants 50/50 because the more parenting time he has the less CS he has to pay and the more control he has over you.

1. Continue being a safe parent for your son. Let your son know you would like to have as much parenting time with him as possible and that he is getting to an age where his preferences will matter before the court. Tell him that you understand that it might feel scary to have to choose but you will respect his decision and have his back either way. Hopefully he will see who has his best interest at heart.

2. Lock down your social media. Your ex shouldn't have access to your Spring Break photos. Do not give him any fuel to use against you or your son.

Me: BS. Him: WS. Together 16 years.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
6+ years (and two kids) into R. Happy.

posts: 1891   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8786966
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 6:42 PM on Friday, April 14th, 2023

Can you teach your son to grey rock? I figured out how to do this when I was in my early teens because my stepdad was such an a**. He would bait me a lot. When I figured out if I wouldn't respond or show any emotion, he would eventually stop. It is probably something to discuss with his counselor.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3126   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8786969
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 7:36 PM on Friday, April 14th, 2023

The very best thing that could ever happen to your children,is if that man decided to disappear with his new fling and go NC with them..forever.

He is abusing your son. He is neglecting your daughter.

The man is a monster.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:36 PM, Friday, April 14th]

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6340   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8786972
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 Crazytrain101 (original poster member #48200) posted at 8:07 PM on Friday, April 14th, 2023

Leafields--I've taught my DD15 gray rock but she's a little feisty tempered and does not back down to STBXH--hence why he cares nothing about her, she sees him very clearly and does not play into his games so she is worthless to him.

MY DS is a little different, but a month before STBXH actually moved out he would leave on a Friday afternoon and be gone until Sunday night telling no one his whereabouts, left my sad DS wondering why his dad was gone and hasn't called.

STBXH played him by ditching him in that manner so that DS would be fearing abandonment and that's why when STBXH moved out so abruptly he willingly went along.

Hellfire--I only HOPE and PRAY he leaves and doesn't come back--apart of the crazy, horrible things he's done to me he's hurting my daughter and using DS as a way to further cause me issues and abuse by using my son as his flying monkey. Who does this to children?

I will add very ironically STBXH's attorney as a child's own mother had mental issues, his dad took him & siblings away from her, the mother received treatment & became better, then reached out to his dad, tried to call & send gifts to him and his dad never told his son that his mother reached out after many years and he stopped talking to his dad again (his dad passed) and the SO STBXH's attorney is very vigilant about mother son relationships so that is a good thing for me smile

8 years ago-found out he was a serial cheater-Reconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1848   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8786974
Topic is Sleeping.
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