SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello everyone, new member of this club/site…I’ve been "browsing" for a week or so…I’m not usually a sharer but have been emboldened by the kindness and compassion I see from all on these forums…so I’m reaching out of my comfort zone to ask my kindred spirits for help…

I wish these forums had a "search" function, because I can’t seem to find any situations that are similar to mine; perhaps if any of you have, you could point me in that direction…

I’ll start with this: I never imagined that the word "teledildonics" would become a part of my vocabulary…but on Feb 13, my DDay, my WH’s open email on my desktop shattered my world, and made this a reality.

I feel like this is hard to explain without a long back story, so I hope you’ll bear with me: 21 years married, he was my knight in shining armor…by all accounts our marriage has been great/fantastic, just like so many here…just about three years ago we made the joint decision to move about an hour from our home to be closer to family; WH couldn’t retire yet (not for another few years) and works a crazy rotating schedule; so for about half the month, a few days at a time, he would stay at his parents’ in our old town…it seemed to be the ideal arrangement…

Not long after we moved we found this website that sold sex toys for long distance relationships…decided to give it a try, bought two and tried them out, together, once—neither of us was overly impressed by the experience, so we put them in a drawer and on the back burner…or so I thought…

Fast forward back to February, and the open email…I was just intending to switch screens when the name of that company in my WH’s inbox caught my eye…I clicked on it and that was the beginning of the end…

So, this company not only sells toys, but has sites where you can hook up with other people and "play" with them—control their toys via Bluetooth and vice versa…and I now know that he has been doing this for the past two years…he has confessed to hundreds of encounters, most often with random people, even some men…you "drop a link" and someone "picks it up"…and "takes care" of you…and you reciprocate…or you do it together…or in groups…

But worse than that is there are the private chats, where you have regular encounters with "special" friends…WH admits to several women he has become "close" friends with. In fact, so close that he has spent about $3000 on gifts to them (that I have uncovered so far)… sex toys, lingerie, wine glasses…a ridiculous array of gifts to strangers… all accompanied by intimate, stomach-churning messages…and this has been going on for two years…just about every day…mostly when he is away, but he has admitted to some contact (cyber-sexual as well as "just" chat) here in our house, in our bed…he also admits that in addition to texting he has frequent phone chats with his "special friends". In short, this world has been an obsession for him for the past two years, a deep commitment of time, energy and money.

If you’re still reading, thank you 😊 and now for my questions—how do I categorize this?? Infidelity?? I think so…Cheating?? An Affair?? Multiple Affairs?? I feel like I have to define it before I can process/deal with it, but it’s so convoluted and embarrassing I don’t even know where to turn for answers…

I’m trying to digest the sexual component, the emotional component, the financial component, the time component (that he has been doing this for two years!)…not to mention that my best friend who is well connected in high level IT is looking into the possibility that this whole website he is involved with could be a scam on some level, and that all he has compromised our personal information…and that there is the consideration that any/all of his "friends" could possibly be underage since there’s no way of verifying and now I’m waiting for the cops to show up at my door…and my brain keeps jumping between all these issues like some deranged game of emotional Whack-a-Mole…

We are trying to move forward—IC, MC—WH is desperately repentant and doing all the "right" textbook things at the moment; but I feel so isolated because this is not your "normal" kind of A…is anyone familiar with this?? can anybody help??

Thanks for listening🙂

The first thing I would suggest you do is a DEEP dive into all of his finances. Get a credit report. I suspect this is less a bunch of affairs and more a type of pay for play action. They may keep him with their flirty talk but I feel like they just want his money. This will be hard for him to accept, but is probably the truth.

At the same time, this doesn't make you feel much (or any better) and you'll have to consider what is best for you going forward. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

Sorry you are here. I discovered a similar style of betrayal from my WH ( 20 yrs on going ) a couple of months ago. I classify this as infidelity because there has been a one to one intimate sexual connection that is only meant for the spouse.

The first thing I realized that this could be an addiction. Please get in touch with a certified sex addiction therapist so they could give you a correct diagnosis. There are two aspects to his therapy going forward, one the addiction bit and the other for him to be a better partner to you. My WH has not been good at addressing both, but hopefully yours will be willing to put in the work. I decided to hold off on MC because

I want him to work on his issues first but I also sat in as a guest on a couple of his IC sessions to give my perspective.

The other thing you need to make sure is that this did not translate to cheating in real life. I actually went to one of the sites my WH frequented and chatted with the married men and it is pretty common for these people to meet up specially if they are in the same city. If he did, a STD test is the next step obviously.

I hope you have a good therapist to help you with the grief. Mine has been a god send and I don’t think I could survive the shock without her. I chose not to tell family but I have two good friends that I confided in and that has been a big help. I hope you have a similar support system.

As for chatting with underage girls , it would be an issue if he deliberately sought out young girls and continued chatting well aware that they were young. I hope that is not the case.

This was a good wake up call for me . I had settled into a happy marriage with my best friend of 20 yrs ! This whole ordeal made me evaluate my career, finances and what I should do overall to make my life better individually. I am learning to stand up for myself and realize my self worth.

This is all overwhelming but I would suggest focusing on your healing first. Please take care and take it one day at a time. I wish you well.

[This message edited by Abalone123 at 6:52 PM, Saturday, April 1st]

Thank you, yes I/we have been trying to figure out if this classifies as a sex addiction…WH and his IC are working in that…ironically he says he first engaged with the site to try and make our sex life better 🙄…he has been dealing with typical middle age ED which he would then put a lot of pressure in himself when we were together which would only make it worse, and he thought that he could "solve" that with anonymous contact….like, once or twice I could understand—but two years of it?? Definitely seems like an addiction to me.

ED happens when someone gets addicted to porn, which this is, only it is reactive porn. He is an addict. You need to understand that him promising to do better is not true. You don’t get over an addiction that fast. He has been living his fantasies. I agree with others…he needs a thorough evaluation to see where and how he can get a handle on this.

Please take care of your health. I have studied the power of unremitting stress on the body and it can be deadly. Make sure you get enough sleep, stay hydrated, exercise and find people irl who can give you a hug when you need it. If you can, stand up and take 30 deep breaths, then rest, then 30 more, then 30 more. You might have to work up to all 90 but it will help you with stamina and a clear and active brain.

Assume that you are as harmed as if he stabbed you. The power of infidelity can be this hard on you. Again, take care of yourself.

Only a certified sexual addiction therapist can diagnose if he is a sex addict.

I would consider each encounter, with a different person,an affair.

He's a serial cheater.

The chances that he hasn't met someone, in person,is very small.

Before you even consider attempting reconciliation, you need an immediate polygraph.

More like a hundred little stabs, one for each encounter…and yes, for those who say infidelity is like a death, I can vouch that the pain is THAT real…more back story, I was widowed suddenly many years ago, left alone with two small kids. This hurts worse, infinitely worse…at least my first H didn’t hurt me intentionally.

How does one go about getting a polygraph? Who administers it? Who creates/asks the questions? I threw this out there at one point and he agreed but I never followed up because I don’t know how to start.

Google polygraph administrators in your area. Read the reviews,and find a reputable one.

The administrator will work with you on the questions you want asked.

Many ws agree to a polygraph. Otherwise,if they say no, they know they look guilty. They hope,by agreeing, their BS won't follow through, because they think they must have the truth if the WS was so agreeable.

And, alot of time the BS gets a parking lot confession. A big truth bomb dropped on them prior to the test. By doing this,the ws hopes they've manipulated their BS into thinking now they have the truth..so they won't follow through with the test.

Always follow through.

Many BS here have had their ws polygraphed. It's an effective toll in getting the truth.

Welcome to SI and sorry you had to find us. If you haven't done so, plus read the pinned posts at the top of the forum and the Healing Library. Lots of great information is available there. In the ICE (I Can Relate) forum, there's a thread for Emotionless Infidelity that you may want to read.

Did you know there's pornography induced ED? Also, there are other medical conditions (sleep apnea) that can contribute to the problem.

Also, if this is done online, there's no guarantee that who he thinks is on the other side is who you WH thinks is there? My XWH got scammed by his online schmoopie. We were doing IHS (in-house separation) at the time. I had to point out to him that the person in the picture with her 2 boys didn't match the nude front shot that conveniently had the face covered by the camera.

Yes, it's infidelity and cheating. For me, each individual he hooked up with would count as an affair. Are you sure he didn't meet up with somebody IRL? If so, then you'll want to get tested for STDs.

It is a lot for you to process through, so keep asking questions.

Yes, if I had to guess I’d say many/most of the people he interacted with were not who they appeared to be…I, too, saw pics that were just a little too perfect to be your "run of the mill lonely housewife"—most looked like, and had screen names, of porn stars…but, even if they aren’t real people (he sees that now), they were real to him in the moment, as were the sexual and emotional feelings he had when in contact with them. It’s been six weeks and the whole thing is still such a gut-punch.

TH, so sorry you found yourself here on SI... And it is normal to have so many questions in searches of what really happened and why's.

Gently, I agree with previous posters that you can't exclude the possibility of real life PA or PAs. It is very painful even to think about this possibility for you right now after just a few weeks after DD, but WS's lie and minimize. BTDT.
Please ask your WH to give you the detailed written Timeline of his A's. You decide what kind of details you would like to include in it. Then, as HellFire suggested, schedule the polygraph. You can base some questions on the Timeline.

I would also suggest to record every conversation with him to catch any inconsistences later (you'll be able to prove the inconsistences this way).

Strength and Healing to you (((TH)))!

What is he saying?

Does he think it's infidelity?

Does he understand these were physical affairs, even if he didn't touch them?

That these were emotional affairs, because even if he didn't love them,emotionally,he was feeling something?

That he has also committed financial infidelity?

Do not share this site with him. You need this to be your safe place.

What work is he doing to become a safe partner?

Were you at work when he did these things? Does he travel for work?

Yes, he acknowledges all of those things…feels shame and guilt and embarrassment at possibly being scammed… has "seen the light" and wants very much to make amends. Funny thing is, knowing him so well I can totally understand from a cognitive place how he got down this rabbit hole—unaddressed self esteem and insecurity issues…but of course it doesn’t excuse the behavior.

Because he works in the state where we used to live (about an hour away) he spends close to half of each month there, several days at a time. He has a room in his parents’ basement, which is where the majority of his activity took place (could that sound any more seedy?). But he has confessed to activity when home in our house—mostly just texting with his "friends" but also the occasional sexual interaction, clearly when I was out of the house. Which doesn’t happen often when he is home, that I go out without him. So he definitely took advantage of those occasions. Oh, he admitted he did "partake" on the couch last summer, when I was sick in bed with Covid. Ouch.

Like everyone here knows, lots of hindsight, "I should have known/seen/ realized"… kicking myself for all of that…

As for PAs, he swears not, and I think it would be difficult as most of his "harem" as I’ve dubbed them don’t live anywhere in driving distance…I know this from tracking where all the gifts were sent…and I’m pretty confident that he wouldn’t have done that anyway because then they would see the "real him," and all his imperfections, and he just couldn’t do that…so much easier to hide behind pics on a website…but I’ve learned, never say never, and a poly might definitively answer that.

You're assuming this is the only site he used. There are hundreds of other sites like this. There's also escort services,Craigslist, etc.

It's going to be a problem that he is gone so much. First,how can you ever feel safe knowing he did these things while away? One would think being at his parent's house, you would be able to. But he's proven you can't.

Do you want to reconcile? Why? You don't have to do this.

If he is a sex addict, there is no cure. And they almost always reoffend. Being a serial cheater, they are extremely high risk for a BS.

Have you searched his phone? Checked his Google timeline to see where he has been?

There's almost always more than the BS discovers on dday. Especially when the WH is caught,and the cheating is as involved as this.

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:39 PM, Saturday, April 1st]

We have been through a tremendous amount of discovery since DDay. He has been very open and forthcoming, down to minute details that were painful to hear but I insisted on. He has cut all contact with that site (one of his sad realizations was that no one has tried to contact him since he left, so they weren’t really his "friends"after all). He has thrown out all his "toys". He is actively job hunting close to home. And he is selling his beloved truck, at my insistence after I discovered that he was transporting his "toys" back and forth and there were times I was literally in his truck with all his dirty secrets, as well as his truck being the place where he would have phone conversations with his "friends" during his commutes.

Both IC and MC are totally on board with him making these reparations with the full knowledge that it doesn’t mean that we will R. They both say he "needs to do the work." Our MC had a great analogy—a bank robber has to pay the bank back and suffer the consequences—but that doesn’t mean he’s entitled to an account there. My WH gets that.

My one big regret at the moment is that on DDay in an initial fit of discovery rage I took a hammer to his phone 😩. Felt great in the moment but obviously I didn’t have a long game at the time, so shame on me, some info might have been lost…but I have complete access to all email info, bank, phone records etc. And I still believe for now he is desperate to right his wrongs. Reconcile? Still very much up in the air, especially now that I read these forums and see the recidivism rates. So sad.

I don’t disagree with HellFire in that he is a serial cheater but something this powerful reeks of addiction. In fact I think the two often go together. If something this powerful owns you this much it seems he lost himself.
I know that many people watch porn. When it takes over your life it becomes something else. I am sure he got bored in his parents’ basement but he brought that mess home with him. I hope he finds a support group to hold his feet to the fire.

In the meantime look after yourself.

Many BS have WS that were brutally honest,and forthcoming after dday. Meanwhile,there was a whole other "box" to unpack. The WS knows exactly what their BS doscovered,so they pretend the other box doesn't exist.

I believe a polygraph is necessary.

Please know nobody here wants to add additional pain,or distrust. It's just that,after awhile, it's obvious that cheaters nearly all follow the same patterns. So much so we joke about there being a cheater's handbook.

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:27 PM, Sunday, April 2nd]