New here, help me define this?!?

Hello everyone, new member of this club/site…I’ve been "browsing" for a week or so…I’m not usually a sharer but have been emboldened by the kindness and compassion I see from all on these forums…so I’m reaching out of my comfort zone to ask my kindred spirits for help…

I wish these forums had a "search" function, because I can’t seem to find any situations that are similar to mine; perhaps if any of you have, you could point me in that direction…

I’ll start with this: I never imagined that the word "teledildonics" would become a part of my vocabulary…but on Feb 13, my DDay, my WH’s open email on my desktop shattered my world, and made this a reality.

I feel like this is hard to explain without a long back story, so I hope you’ll bear with me: 21 years married, he was my knight in shining armor…by all accounts our marriage has been great/fantastic, just like so many here…just about three years ago we made the joint decision to move about an hour from our home to be closer to family; WH couldn’t retire yet (not for another few years) and works a crazy rotating schedule; so for about half the month, a few days at a time, he would stay at his parents’ in our old town…it seemed to be the ideal arrangement…

Not long after we moved we found this website that sold sex toys for long distance relationships…decided to give it a try, bought two and tried them out, together, once—neither of us was overly impressed by the experience, so we put them in a drawer and on the back burner…or so I thought…

Fast forward back to February, and the open email…I was just intending to switch screens when the name of that company in my WH’s inbox caught my eye…I clicked on it and that was the beginning of the end…

So, this company not only sells toys, but has sites where you can hook up with other people and "play" with them—control their toys via Bluetooth and vice versa…and I now know that he has been doing this for the past two years…he has confessed to hundreds of encounters, most often with random people, even some men…you "drop a link" and someone "picks it up"…and "takes care" of you…and you reciprocate…or you do it together…or in groups…

But worse than that is there are the private chats, where you have regular encounters with "special" friends…WH admits to several women he has become "close" friends with. In fact, so close that he has spent about $3000 on gifts to them (that I have uncovered so far)… sex toys, lingerie, wine glasses…a ridiculous array of gifts to strangers… all accompanied by intimate, stomach-churning messages…and this has been going on for two years…just about every day…mostly when he is away, but he has admitted to some contact (cyber-sexual as well as "just" chat) here in our house, in our bed…he also admits that in addition to texting he has frequent phone chats with his "special friends". In short, this world has been an obsession for him for the past two years, a deep commitment of time, energy and money.

If you’re still reading, thank you 😊 and now for my questions—how do I categorize this?? Infidelity?? I think so…Cheating?? An Affair?? Multiple Affairs?? I feel like I have to define it before I can process/deal with it, but it’s so convoluted and embarrassing I don’t even know where to turn for answers…

I’m trying to digest the sexual component, the emotional component, the financial component, the time component (that he has been doing this for two years!)…not to mention that my best friend who is well connected in high level IT is looking into the possibility that this whole website he is involved with could be a scam on some level, and that all he has compromised our personal information…and that there is the consideration that any/all of his "friends" could possibly be underage since there’s no way of verifying and now I’m waiting for the cops to show up at my door…and my brain keeps jumping between all these issues like some deranged game of emotional Whack-a-Mole…

We are trying to move forward—IC, MC—WH is desperately repentant and doing all the "right" textbook things at the moment; but I feel so isolated because this is not your "normal" kind of A…is anyone familiar with this?? can anybody help??

Thanks for listening🙂

17 comments posted: Monday, April 3rd, 2023