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Hello, struggling to even type this out as I’m processing.. I’ve been married for 34 years to the same man I was 23 when we married he was 27. we waited 8 years to start our family. To grow up some & get sure footing with careers and build a strong foundation with church, friends, community- so we took it slow & planned carefully each step to be solid before building a life that included children. Well after I birthed both my girls I was 36 yrs old. they were almost 5 yrs apart. . I felt during those busy early parenting years we had a very loving and strong foundation. I was traveling a lot with my job and he was anchored down with a business that we still own & I provided with my job- income that matched his and 401k that I’m currently still building and all the health and dental insurance & traveling benefits for my family. Trust me they all use them fully. It’s been a nice lifestyle of travel for them all.
I’m still employed 30 yrs at my current company as he is too. I needed to contribute to my family & do my share. Truth was he wanted me working even though it took a-lot from me , his business grew & i was out providing for my family -gone from home half the time missing out on many precious memories but as my seniority grew I was able to be home in big chunks sometimes weeks at a time. I have a very flexible schedule now but took years in the making. Back when we started with our careers he being self employed & I was corporate -I could provide all the insurance he couldn’t afford for our family (that you need with children )so I felt the pressure to keep chugging along.
He made it known when we dated/married ,I would have to work. He came from parents that both had their own individual buisness’s. Very successful- but they later divorced. There were affairs and distrust and disrespect in his parents relationship.
My role model was a beaver cleaver homestead. A stay at home mom, dad who provided for family. Had all home cooked meals , very loving environment and they are 87 still so in love and they cherish each other- a very special thing to have grown up in. I was lucky and I know it. Never experienced divorce and had a very intact family
They are whom I’ve always looked up to. They built our family around Honesty & integrity
So my H & I come from very different backgrounds.
Fast forward I’ve learned by watching how to be a loving wife, loyal to a fault ,believing in the marriage covenant & my whole heart has been all about making a beautiful home for my husband & children. To be safe and grounded in a church home. Serve in our community , build trusting friendships, live to honor others.
I learned when my daughters were 2 and 7 after we built our first home and starting our family that he was heavy into porn. I saw emails (before I had a printer) that I would write down word for word in disbelief that he was talking to other women on line. I learned he was addicted to porn, attention seeking and traveling at one time( that I’m aware )he drove to watch others at bunny ranch somewhere in Florida have sex - he admitted all this in counseling. We had counseling various time through the years always about these issues and distrust. I think we stayed in counseling in years 2 ,4 6 on and on. all throughout trying to deal with his addictions . I worked on myself , I learned to love myself regardless of what he was doing. I started thinking poorly of him during those years. I had every emotion and desperation and consulting pastors , leaders, women who had wisdom that I trusted. I read countless books. It’s every man’s battle. Etc. I learned and grew and it took me 28 years to understand how flawed he was. How to cope, what to do and say , how to heal , how to love, trust all of it. We were raising our daughters and keeping up with all the soccer, cheer, clubs and once we got them raised up and out I struggled with divorce and it almost came to that in 2014-2016. After years of being devastated on the floor emotionally, us working together on our marriage knowing he still had and still does look at porn - trying to learn to trust him again & looking at his phone from time to time I’d say once or twice a year. Fearing what’s on there. He has always said he has no secrets. I can look at his phone reply to any one contacting him. Free reign to ask questions. He’s always maintained that posture. These are some of the ways to rebuild trust.
So here we are in 2023 -I just learned from a discussion while asking questions the right way and not flinching I found out almost accidentally through him because he has hidden it so well that he actually did have an affair 20 years ago during 2004-2006 with Someone he would see sometimes at trade shows. He gave me details, after I asked for a series of 4 days. I talked to her last week She’s 64 yrs old now. She admitted to it & our conversation was non emotional and because of my calm demeanor she started saying how strong I was and intelligent & then apologized and told me the two times they were together to her recollection- she said they were just friends lol and they never got emotional and she lives 5 states away - she was transparent & I told her I was date checking . Fact finding. She was easy to talk too.
What going on with me now is - I felt all those years when he was fishing for attention , I felt a pull away, I was scrambling, bewildered, we were in the midst of building a sweet little family, serving our church ,heavily involved with HOA, & our community we served our kids served, , we were the leaders of our community and church and our girls were our absolute world as they grew up - he was Disney dad so to speak and adored his girls. I was and still am the moma they consider a best friend now that they’re in their 20’s I’ve learned how to open their brain for trusting conversations & our family is close. They share open and honestly with me. We have deep, meaningful discussions they know their dads struggles. One of my girls actually says he doesn’t deserve me.I had a beautiful marriage and I’ve had hardship with his porn addiction along the way. The online betrayal, the emotional affair he had with his ex girlfriend Highschool ( she’s passed away now) all this pain. And now I’m 58 and just learned from a deep convo that he had a physical affair way back when. He says he has been honest and pure to me since 2006. He didn’t want to lose me .. he has always felt guilty, he would have never owned up to it had I not prodded the conversation that day to act like I knew when I really did not. Now that I have all the facts. And I knew in my gut but couldn’t get proof. I get the proof and I’m so hurt again. I’m like WTH ?! I’ve always been loyal never ever would find myself involved with another man. I’ve been true & I thought all he did in the past was dabble in the outskirts of an affair but never knew he did the physical. I mean why not - he had the online affair , the emotional affair. I almost feel like I NEEDED To Know exactly what he was capable of. So here I am AWARE! Fully AWARE of it all. Like I said I have always had us in counseling- he was a very willing participant, he did everything I asked. He had to speak about it in front of groups.it was hard core meetings of accountability- I Read all the books, did personality test, worked for years to rebuild our marriage. I openly forgave him finally in 2017. We discussed our role in the marriage disharmony- we built another house in 2018 this time a tropical oasis something to retire in possibly. We both have been honestly happy here. Our kids lives are very sold in careers or college. We have been tossing around selling the buisness and living out our rest of our lives -like the home stretch and we have fun and laugh so much together. We gave a sold set of couples like a group of 14 of us that we do life with lake life, vacations, every celebration of birthdays .. we’re so busy with them it’s like I don’t have time to work. We’re in a healthy relationship now and I’d say the best in the past 5 years. And I just went digging for info and got it.
I’m sad, mad,duped, & yet deep down in my gut I knew but never really knew- I’ve worked for 34 years to build this marriage - he has too. I almost left years ago , consulted a lawyer, looked at apartments, called realtors out to sell our home I almost got him to sign the papers to sell the house, I think he knew I was Gona cut and run and he wouldn’t sign with those realtors- that was a sign to me , I dug deep & I chose to truly forgive him for the first time and not look back. Being deceived is tricky. I’m going into counseling again to process this. I’ve shared with one girlfriend. She’s pissed and can’t look at him. It’s too fresh for her. She never knew our history-He says he hasn’t slipped up since back then and he was wrong, very selfish, he knew what he had in me. He woke up and stopped and hasn’t betrayed me since then. So do I forgive the past again ? Because it’s new info. I’ve held him accountable , in my way I do make him talk and discuss and deal with every emotion I have if I suffer. He suffers. He’s the one that’s caused all my pain. It’s trickled into our children’s lives too no one escape’s infidelity - it all out in the open. He says I didn’t deserve it obviously- part of me goes into the movie of what he did with her and where. Part of me hates what he did so much. Part of me thinks I’m better than him. (But I realize I’m not). I have integrity and I’m not a cheater. I have my flaws but betrayal is not one of them. I can’t stand people who cheat. So that’s my story. I’m open to hear from you all please consider that it’s constructive, kind, honest, biblically sound I’m always willing to see perspectives other than my own. I am suffering. I am in pain and I’m capable of making good ,sound decisions , I don’t need a Rx, I’m in prayer and I take a melatonin to sleep. I exercise, I’m eating well. I’m functioning and busy. yet I’m writing this to hear different view points. A marriage sometimes is made when trouble is facing them. I’ve climbed that wall. Good and bad. I’m just trying to filter my new info that belongs in the past but it’s brand new to me.

You might want to look at I CAN RELATE to see if there are some posters there for support.

Your husband is an addict. Addictions can be anything from alcohol to porn. What you need to see is that his illness/addiction was the mechanism that drove all your lives. Your children absorbed some of the sickness although they did not know. An illness owns the family. My extended family has an active alcoholic and all we talk about is how to fix him. We know that is not in our power but when you deal with an addict you try everything. Your husband is sick so it isn’t surprising that he cheated. Addictions run right over boundaries.

Get some IC to help you let off steam.

Be sure to look after your health. Sleep, hydration, small healthy meal.

As mentioned, there is an area on I Can Relate Forum for those who have found out years later. I am one of those, though not as much later as you. I guess I should feel lucky it only took 7 years for my husband to tell me about his PA. I get it. It hurts and is an incredible mind f$%# to find out much later. It still feels like such a fresh wound and yet part of your brain says how can I unsettle my now settled life over something so long ago. And then of course there is processing the years and years of lies. I also related to your comment about finding out in a discussion. It was like we were just sitting out on the balcony we had looked forward to having for years enjoying the sunset and the next thing you know my world is blown up. And also your comment about trying to show an unemotional posture to get the truth. I have twisted myself into every pretzel position imaginable to try to present the face that would elicit the truth. And then one day when I least expected it, it worked. Lucky me.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. If you want details, of course, they wont remember now. It is frankly amazing you were able to get the AP on the phone. I envy you that conversation — though I’m sure it was unimaginably painful. But at least it sounds like you felt you got some truth. People in the « found out years later » group seem to be mostly older, which i guess makes sense. So there seems to be a sort of resignation - i feel it too. Like what are you really going to do with this information. And yet the rage and the devastation are rocking your world. I have started timing how long it takes for me to flip between I’m leaving to thinking I’m just going to accept this. It is measured in minutes and it goes on all day, every day, 7 months out. It’s emotionally exhausting and it is hard to know when it will get better.

But, like you, there were earlier problems. In my case I knew there was some sort of EA back then and he was caught in many lies. So we have been in crisis of some sort for years. (His AP kept turning up at his work in various ways).

Because of all that I had thought I knew a bit about how recovery would work. But somehow the PA feels different. More traumatic, more unforgivable. It has completely changed my opinion of who I thought he was. His other « mistakes » could at least be shrouded in some bullshit narrative. But there is no getting around a PA. They knew on every level how bad what they were doing was. And yet. They also knew they had a responsibility to tell. And yet…

Anyway, hugs to you. So sorry

So sorry you're here. Please read the pinned posts at the top of the forum which have a lot of great information. Also, the Healing Library has a ton of information, plus a list of the acronyms we use.

My XWH was into porn, and the porn use gets more deviant as time goes on to get the same result. I told my XWH that I considered his porn use as infidelity.

Our plan was for him to retire early, he'd go on my insurance, and would go with me when I traveled for work. He blew that out of the water with his A. His A also played into the type of porn he was into at the time.

Anyway, he crossed a hard boundary I'd set and I was done. I filed for D the week before our 34th anniversary. I'll be 60 next week. Look up sunk cost fallacy because it will give you insight that you may find helpful.

You thought you were done with the race and at the finish line but there is more running to do. You are exhausted , thirsty and your knees hurt. Your running partner isn’t keeping up, you have used your energy trying to keep him motivated to reach the finish line. Stop running for a bit, get hydrated, ice the knee and go sit on that bench in the shade. When you feel better , pick up where you left. You will have better stamina to continue the race. Hopefully this time your partner has trained enough and can keep up.

I wish you the best.

Well you all gave me much to think about and consider. The last post spoke VOLUMES- meaning it sounds like they believe that I will never stop running this race to the finish line - I’ll always be looking over my shoulder and yes I am exactly what they said EXHAUSTED— tired of living with doubt and frustration, considerable trust issues due to his past - thank you for your feedback and wisdom to all that shared on my post. I recognize I’m new here yet I’ve lived in this perpetual situation - for awhile. I know he has been clean for the past 16 years. But before that he wasn’t and I’m just learning about his past infidelity and confronted the AP. he just kinda off the cuff said the other day that we should renew our vows on a trip we’re about to take - it’s all so disturbing and the emotional turmoil is wrecking me.

I know he has been clean for the past 16 years.

There are two elements to an affair, the cheating and the lying. He was half clean for 16 years, but the lying grew and grew and grew. It was there rotting him from the inside out too.

He just gave you a Get Out of Marriage Free card, good for the rest of your life. Even if you stay, feeling it there in your pocket ready to be deployed can give you a sense of control, and control is everything.

To feel in control and avoid feeling trapped, consider moving to a divorce. Take it all the way until everything has been done, all the work completed, and it awaits one signature. At that point there will be nothing left but choice, either way as easy as the other, and you can know the choice you make is real, and not forced or hindered. 100% in control., choice freely made.

Sending strength!

I feel for you and your situation.

You have been given good advice.

I just want to give you a virtual hug.

I am so very sorry that you are dealing with the pain of so many layers of betrayal. My husband confessed to an emotional and physical affair that took place when I was pregnant with our first born and for his first year of life, 1985 and 86. The confession was in 2017, while he was involved in an emotional affair with a much younger woman. The destruction of my heart and soul, of my memories, of everything, nearly killed me. I’m sharing this with you to let you know that the roller coaster of emotions is something that cannot be understood by those who have not suffered the trauma of infidelity. The support and wisdom from the folks here have been a life saver. I’ve rarely posted, but have appreciated the folks at Surviving Infidelity more than I could ever explain. Please remember to treat yourself with the grace and kindness that you’ve given to so many in your life.