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4 month betrayal with a coworker, I still don't know what to do


 ApparentlyNaive (original poster new member #83052) posted at 7:12 AM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023

My boyfriend (23M) and I (32F) met at work and began a magical relationship. Although he was younger than me, he really won over my heart and seemed to love me the way I always wanted to be loved. I was fired because of the relationship, he was not. We moved in together after about 6 months together and I began working from home. A couple of months later he proposed to me suddenly at home, right after coming back from a fun trip with his coworkers. I said yes, this was the first time I truly wanted to spend my life with someone. We've always had an incredible connection, physically, emotionally and beyond. But soon after, he began to change. He became more and more distant, anything would set off his anger and he began to work overtime. All throughout I continued to be loving and patient. I even began to get the paperwork ready for us to get married, but he broke down and said it was too soon. This hurt me, but I tried to put my feelings aside.

Soon after, I broke my foot badly and my computer broke down, so I lost my job. At this point I felt like he couldn’t stand me sometimes and fights would break out over the littlest things, with him saying very hurtful things. I suffer from depression and all of this had me in a very dark place. Our first anniversary was a disaster, we hadn’t been getting along, but I tried to put it behind us and asked him if we could have lunch together; which he rejected. Somehow I continued to focus on the good aspects about him and kept trucking on.

Now, I’m not a jealous person and I don’t check phones, but a month after our anniversary I felt like something was really wrong. Something was telling me to check his phone. When I did, I found out he had just slept with a coworker a few days prior and they had a seemingly-eternal conversation going via WhatsApp where they chatted all day, every day. I broke, I shook uncontrollably, I felt like I was gonna pass out. Their messages to each other were filled with so much love, love that I hadn’t gotten from him in months. It was a month and a half worth of conversation, but there was more from before, which had been deleted. I later read the entirety of the 1.5 months and found out they had been seeing each other for at least 4 months and had sex before this too, unprotected.

I woke him up and confronted him, he denied at first, of course. I told him I had seen the conversation and, with a completely broken heart, asked him "why didn’t you just leave me??". He had no words. When he did finally speak it was only to blame me. I told him to pack his stuff and get out. I had given him everything, I trusted him 100%, I encouraged him and taught him so much. I couldn’t believe it. I had wasted time trying to calm him down during arguments, when I could’ve been spending more time with my son.

In reading the entire conversation, or what he didn’t delete, which takes 7+ hours to skim read, I felt our relationship had all been a lie. They had sex the first time during the work trip, the day before he proposed to me. He complained about me to her constantly. They made out everyday at and around work, spoke about everything, sexted and sent nudes. He came inside her and bought her a plan b pill. Several times he said he wished things were different and he could come home to her. Also that he "couldn’t wait to get out of this problem, my gf". His words to her were honestly more loving than anything he had ever told me. I cried for days, I felt so sick and utterly traumatized.

5 days after finding out, I lost custody of my son. The custody loss was another series of unfortunate events, although my depression from my bf’s rejection ties into it. The pain was so extreme that I texted him. He came running and held me. He also got on his knees and cried like a baby, while he apologized. I told him I didn’t want to take him back, I just needed my best friend at that moment. He stayed with me for a couple of days and then he would go back and forth from my place to his for the next few months. I wanted to keep it strictly friendly, but eventually we were back to our old ways of enjoying each other’s company and talking for hours on end. We also began having sex again, although it was hard for me now, it made me sad. He seemed to honestly regret what he had done, but none of it made sense to me and still doesn’t. He shared all of his passwords with me, even his location, and I checked everything constantly, which also made me sad.

Since everything was so fresh, I kept asking him questions about it, to try to process, but he would have panic attacks every time and become suicidal. Several times I had to forcibly hold him so he wouldn’t kill himself out of guilt. This led me to stop talking about it and tuck my feelings away, but I was not ok. I ended up engaging with someone sexually, once. There was no penetration, since I still couldn’t bring myself to go that far with anyone else. I did it mostly to get economic help from this guy and because I thought I would be dumb not to get a little revenge. Long story short, my bf found out, blackmailed the other guy by texting him to pay up or he'd show his gf. After this he was jailed for extortion. It was devastating, especially as the jail situation in this country is disastrous, they're extremely overcrowded, prisoners get no sunlight, physical activity or visits. He’s been going through hell the past few months. I’ve also had to spend everything I have to cover all of his expenses. When we get to speak, he says he's going to commit suicide and I have to try to give him hope. It's been very difficult.

Despite knowing that he’s more than paying for what he did to me, I still can’t shake the trauma and forgive him. Any chance we get, he tells me he loves me, wants to marry me, be with me forever and have kids with me. He’s written me a few letters in which he emphasizes how guilty he feels for fucking up my life and that he sees things very differently and just wants to love me forever. His words help, to an extent, but I can’t forget what I read in their conversation. Knowing also that what I read is a small part of their overall relationship. Knowing he came inside her. Knowing he chose her over me for so long. That he disrespected me so badly during those months. Knowing he never planned to confess. All these thoughts and feelings have been overflowing, now that I don’t have him to reassure me and distract me constantly.

It's been 6 months since DDay. I’m living with my mom now and she says I need to stop being in jail with him. I’ve locked myself up so I can afford to pay his legal and living expenses. I’ve been very depressed because I’m grieving the loss of what I thought would be a beautiful, lifelong relationship, the loss of my son and the loss of my bf again after he was jailed. And honestly I struggle every day because I still don’t know if I could marry him and start a family with him after this. The triggers are everywhere. If he says something loving, I remember when he would say it to her, and that’s just one example.

I guess in writing this I’m hoping for any words of support or advice. I don’t have many friends, and those I have don’t relate to this. If you made it this far, thank you, truly.

posts: 2   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2023
id 8782134

Bor9455 ( member #72628) posted at 6:11 PM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023

First off, welcome to the best support group that you never wanted to join. I'm truly sorry that you find yourself here and that it seems as though a few of the breaks in your life haven't gone your way with your job and your son.

Kindly, you need to work on putting yourself back together so you can be the best person and mother that you can be. I think you know deep down that means cutting all contact with this boyfriend. There is a 9 year age difference and his maturity level is clearly that of someone in their mid 20s and not someone ready to settle down and raise a family. I mean, honestly, what kind of fucked up manipulation was the sleeping with someone else over a work trip and then to come home and propose marriage to you? I mean, if you don't see that as manipulation, you really need to re-think that whole thing. It seems to have been done to throw you off the scent. By proposing to you, it played upon the feelings he knew that you already had and he got you to look over here at this engagement ring and we can start planning a wedding, meanwhile, he can keep you busy while he has his fun with this other gal over here. It took you months to finally come to your senses, and that is okay, gaslighting is absolutely page 1 of the Cheater's Handbook.

The continued threats of suicide and all that is just an act. I would never want another person to take their own life, but that is a classic manipulation trick that waywards will do. I mean, rather than talking about the affair he had and the work he needed to do in order to become a safe partner for you, he threatened suicide and feigned depression so that you would focus on him. He is a selfish and manipulative little cheater. I mean, you said it yourself at the beginning, you guys had a magical relationship, you had just gotten to know each other and were in the "honeymoon" phase where your love is new, fresh and just about anything you can think about. Meanwhile he is out test driving other models. If he is so unhappy in what are some of the best moments of any new relationship, just project that out to when you have a child together and reality sets in with any types of struggles or just regular life comes at you with bills, chores, car repairs, etc. I think you should consider yourself quite fortunate that you learned about the true nature of this kid so early on.

Myself - BH & WH - Born 1985
Her - BW & WW - Born 1986

D-Day for WW's EA - October 2017D-Day no it turned PA - February 01, 2020

posts: 394   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2020   ·   location: Miami
id 8782191

leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 9:01 PM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023

So sorry you find yourself here. There are some pinned threads at the top of the JFO (Just Found Out) forum that have a lot of information. Additionally, the Healing Library has a lot of resources, including a list of the acronyms used.

I would suggest that you begin IC (Individual Counseling). One reason why you're repeatedly asking questions is because of betrayal trauma, and your brain is trying to piece things back together. Also, you should address why you allowed yourself to do something with another person when you both had significant others.

You don't owe BF anything.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1974   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8782224

RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 9:55 PM on Tuesday, March 14th, 2023

You have clearly painted a picture of a guy with SERIOUS mental issues.

He proposed marriage while simultaneously sleeping with someone else and shit talking you? Panic attacks? Threatens suicide?

Are you listening to yourself? Listening like a parent or best friend to yourself? Like an advocate to yourself?

I’m actually more concerned about your current state of mind. Why would you tolerate something so intolerable? Why do you allow such abuse and disrespect?

He is not a candidate for reconciliation. He is not a candidate for lifelong commitment and all the adversity and challenges life throws at a marriage. He doesn’t even qualify as a friend. He seems to care less for you than an absolute stranger. Total strangers on the internet here seem to care for you far more than he, and you.

You’re not looking out after yourself and this is heartbreaking.

You need to cut him completely out of your life like cancer, and then get yourself into IC.

posts: 1104   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8782228

annb ( member #22386) posted at 2:30 PM on Wednesday, March 15th, 2023

Hi, welcome to SI.

Gently, the sooner you get away from this cheating, manipulating grifter, the faster you will heal.

Don't even think about marrying this manchild. You'll be in for years of misery. He is not a candidate for reconciliation.

Please, please find a good IC for yourself. Stop paying all his bills. Put yourself first.

Lean on your mother and trusted family members and friends.

posts: 11762   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8782314

BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 4:32 PM on Wednesday, March 15th, 2023

You don't give any details as to how you lost your job or custody of your son, but I think it's possible that your singular focus on this toxic relationship with this mentally unstable and morally defective man is a significant contributing factor.

All that money that you are pouring into this man's legal and living expenses, and all the time and emotional energy you are spending on dissecting your relationship with him, would be better spent on getting your life in order and regaining custody of your child.

This guy might not always be your boyfriend, but your son will always be your son. Your son is the one who loves and needs you; not this miserable dirtbag.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 4:34 PM, Wednesday, March 15th]

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1294   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8782328

WonderingMind ( new member #71161) posted at 10:03 PM on Wednesday, March 15th, 2023

Focus on your child.

This makes the both of you look unstable.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2019
id 8782374

 ApparentlyNaive (original poster new member #83052) posted at 7:01 PM on Friday, March 17th, 2023

Thank you so much for your replies. I've been meditating on your words and I think you're all right. I need to put myself back together and get my son back.

Btw I didn't go into detail about the custody loss because it's a long story. My son's dad never accepted that I left him for being a terrible bf and father, so he tried to take him from me for years. He had the help of a lawyer and I didn't, I couldn't afford it since I was pretty much the sole provider for my son. After I broke my foot last year, I had to lie in bed for months, so I couldn't go out and do things with him. He also got sick and lost some weight. He's always been slim (both his dad and I have a slim build), so he looked pretty thin after this. His dad saw this as the perfect chance to report it to child services and he was taken from me. No one spoke to me about it, and they didn't take into account that my son only wanted to live with me. It was all very unjust and I'm currently putting together a case with a lawyer to get him back. My son cries to me because he doesn't want to live with his dad and his gf, who are both tyrants. They keep him enrolled in numerous classes and sports so he doesn't even have time to speak to me over the phone.

Also, I wanted to add that my bf blackmailed the AP because he didn't give me the economic help he had promised in return for the sexual favor. He handled the situation badly, but he was trying to help, and he was also very hurt.

I've been crying every night for my son and for my bf. My heart feels like it's gonna break. Last time I spoke to my bf I asked him "what did you think I would do if I found out?", he said "you'd leave me". He knew this and still betrayed me every day, and treated me like a nuisance, for months. I don't see a happy future for us. I have great qualities and I think I deserve someone better, not someone who I have to supervise and whose very existence is a painful trigger.

Thanks again for your advice. I hope I can be back here giving you a positive update on my life soon.

[This message edited by ApparentlyNaive at 7:03 PM, Friday, March 17th]

posts: 2   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2023
id 8782767

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:35 PM on Friday, March 17th, 2023

Sometimes the court system is unfair. Losing your son in the way you've described is heartbreaking. You are the victim of a vindictive ex husband, and some bad financial luck. I pray you get him back.

You won't be able to get him back,while being attached to the cruel boyfriend. He is not a positive force in your life.

I disagree he was trying to help,when he blackmailed the AP. He was trying to profit. He didn't care about you at all.

Go NC with this loser. Then start taking steps to get your son back.

posts: 5274   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8782799

Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 9:45 PM on Friday, March 17th, 2023

Like others have mentioned, you should focus on getting your son back. He is the only person who deserves you and whom you deserve.

You left your husband because he was a bad partner to you. You wanted to protect yourself and your son. You did the right thing. So, why can't you do the same thing again? Your current partner is also toxic and bad. Focus, again, on protecting yourself and your son. Your son needs healthy and sanely people around him. Your partner is clearly not safe for you and to your son.

posts: 168   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8782800
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