SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

ETA: I've read good advice on this topic that says to think, really think, about what you want to know. Ask yourself, for each question, how will this help me heal? If you can come up with a solid answer that works for you proceed. Please try to bear in mind that you are still reeling from the trauma of this affair. Your first insticts come from pain and stress. Decisions made in that state might not serve you well later on.

I’ve thought about this for a long time now. My story is that while my wife confessed, she made up a "it was only one time" story to try to minimize the fallout. I insisted on detail, and she came up with a detailed story that was a mash up of different events and leaving out a lot. I threatened a polygraph and I got a very different story about 5 days later, but the larger story didn’t have details. And I chose to try to see if I could be ok with that. I tried to see if not ringing the bell could work for me. And by three months in I knew I couldn’t handle that. And now it’s been this dragged out process of finding an MC and it’s gone on way too long.

Why? Because it does cause more trauma. There is just no denying that.

It didn’t add more trauma for me.

I don’t buy the "there is just no denying that" statement. Again, you could make a blanket statement like that about seeing dead bodies, and it might sound plausible, but it clearly isn’t true. What evidence do you have for that? I got some very graphically detailed stuff from my wife in the first confession. I don’t see that as sticking out as the particularly traumatic part of D-day and it’s fall out. I have minor mental associations, but if I chose to be in the moment during sex I can.
I just read the other thread "Not Sure I Can Move Past This" and I’m honestly shaking a little bit right now. That could potentially be my situation. My wife has similarities, purity culture religious upbringing, no emotional depth in family, deep sexual shame. I am already aware of some "firsts" she had with POSOM, and it is some of the worst of this. But it’s not the knowing that is the problem, it’s that it happened.
The thought hit me the other day that she was probably his fantasy sex toy. He didn’t drive hours and get a hotel room for some quick vanilla. It is not a pleasant thought to me.
#understatementoftheyear

Update: I feel better today, even normal.

I’ve been watching the "Not sure I can move past this" thread with interest. I appreciate the perspective that what I really want for my future is a sex life that is satisfying to me. Fuck POSOM and fuck the insanity of affairs, those things aren’t what I intend to use as my guide for future happiness. I have a good sense of what I personally want in my sex life. If my wife and I can meet in that space, I’ll be happy with that.
So I’m thinking of taking an approach of getting a little more info to help calm some re-occurring thoughts, but leaving details out for now. I leave the option to come back to it if I have to, but for now keep my mind free of the most shameful things my wife has ever done. Potentially keep my ability to enjoy those things untainted. It seems like a prudent move for now. That said, it’s hard to come up with reasonable strategy and stick to it when you are on the roller coaster.

In hindsight, I actually agree with the experts that the sexual details do more harm than good. That said, I do understand how other people might feel differently.

Care to share your experience with it, CT?

I'm so sorry. I missed this yesterday or I'd have been more prompt.

As you might imagine, I became obsessed with detective work after I discovered my WH's infidelity. I remember feeling almost crazed, searching his belongings, his vehicle, looking for clues, passwords, etc. I was pretty darned good at it too, so eventually, I did find his secret email account and I did get into it. I had months of emails, photos, even videos of him having sex.
At this point, I'm recovered from the trauma of it. That was eight years ago and even though I'm feeling much better now, I can tell you in all candor that I was knocked for a loop. Like so many of us, I became anxious and depressed. I found myself in an almost constant state of rumination, exploring every aspect of every detail over and over again. By about two years out, I had to get help. Started therapy. Did EMDR. Read copiously. You know, all the things we do.

In hindsight, every detail adds a trigger, and every trigger has to be processed. I had so, so many.
That said, even though we do have to process every new detail, some can work in our favor. So, I think you're on the right track to spend time in consideration of what you want to know and why. My WH wasn't just lying to me. He was lying to the OW's too. Turns out that while he was future faking that last one, he was still screwing the one before her. When I found his phone pinging a tower near OW#2, I suspected OW#3 didn't know a thing about it. I thought it over, decided it was worth adding another trigger, and confirmed that 'yes', he was having sex that day. This also confirmed the future faking, giving me more insight into how unserious his feelings were for OW#3 despite the sophomoric twaddle he was writing in his emails to her. So yeah, trigger to process, but perspective added to the case.

We do tend to amplify things in our imagination. That much is true. The sex videos I saw weren't even good porn though. People like to wax poetic about all the "porn star sex" cheaters are having, but honestly what I saw was just a couple of yahoos humping in the bushes. Could I have lived my whole life without seeing a video of the OW's pimply ass? Hell yeah, I could have, that's for sure. But what traumatized me mind, body, and soul wasn't the OW's fat ass.. it was the familiarity of my WH's body parts, his hands, his clothing, his thigh, his penis. People can say that their imagination is worse, but really.. is it? Is it worse than SEEING with your own eyes? The sex was bland and boring. Maybe it was exciting for them, what with all the cheating and the semi-public nature of maybe being caught, but by any observable measure, it was "meh". That's comforting in it's way, but to the extent that I would choose to see it? Not by a long shot. I would never choose that pain again. Never.

Anyway, that's me. Some people do legitimately feel differently about it. Whatever you decide, there's always a path untaken, right? Just know that no matter what happens, YOU ARE ENOUGH. You'll make it through.

I'm so sorry. I missed this yesterday or I'd have been more prompt.

No apologies needed. I greatly appreciate your answer.

As you might imagine, I became obsessed with detective work after I discovered my WH's infidelity. I remember feeling almost crazed, searching his belongings, his vehicle, looking for clues, passwords, etc. I was pretty darned good at it too, so eventually, I did find his secret email account and I did get into it. I had months of emails, photos, even videos of him having sex.

I’ve never seen any images or texts. I found a few innocuous emails, one where I can see in context that he was flirting with an inside joke, but it wouldn’t have set off my alarm bells before D-Day. I’m 99.9% sure that if they would have been available on D-Day that I would have doom scrolled them all and been utterly destroyed, as you describe. But she seems to have covered her tracks amazingly well for someone I didn’t think was very technically proficient. Maybe it’s a grace, or a few years down the road maybe there will be a nagging doubt in my mind that I wish had been put to death with hard evidence. Time will tell.

For the thought spirals, I found meditation very helpful. My employer pays for Headspace, which has been so helpful for me. I started with the basic series on how to meditate. There was a focus on breathing and being in the moment. It was nice to hear them say that if your thoughts stray, it's ok but bring your thoughts back to your body.

You can also do some grounding exercises. One of the suggestions in one of the threads is to build a salad and think of all the steps. Wash lettuce, chop tomatoes, etc. Others use a rubber band around the wrist and snap it when you're going down the thought pattern you don't want.