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Newest Member: rmf2rmv

Just Found Out :
Not a physical affair.


 beachlover (original poster new member #83047) posted at 7:53 PM on Sunday, March 12th, 2023

On March 3rd I discovered that my husband of 37+ years was conducting an online relationship with a gay guy in South America. We live in a totally different continent, and were on vacation in the Caribbean at the time. I noticed messages on his phone from an unknown name that were distinctly more than just friendly. I challenged him and he came straight out and told me about the OG (is that the right terminology?) and also claimed to be bisexual. He said it had been going on for "about a year", that they had met through an online porn site, and there had never been physical contact. He seemed to think that made everything OK laugh At that point I made him delete the messages and block the phone number. He did that willingly.

Next day I made him give me the password to his ipad and phone and while he was out of the room - I checked his ipad messages. I took pictures of some of them as they were in Spanish and I needed the leisure to do translation. I told him I had done that. The few messages I saw and translated were both very loving and explicitly sexual.

I'll gloss over the next few days because I am sure you can imagine the feelings of shock, betrayal, pain etc. We flew home on Saturday and HE arranged for us to see a couples therapist on the Monday afternoon. I don't want to give him too much credit but he did appear remorseful, very distressed and ready to get help.

I checked his iPad again on Monday morning when he left for work. This time I checked his FB messenger app. This little exercise put paid to the notion that the affair had only been going on for a year - in fact it was more like 3 years and there had been another guy before this present OG. The discovery of this further lie threw me into a physical state of panic, and I thought I was having a heart attack. He came home, confessed in writing -lol - with names and dates and what site they had met on.

We have seen the therapist once together, and I saw her again by myself later in the week. WS will start individual counselling for his addiction to porn/sex, his online sex activity and his actual sexuality. He needs more help than me, and I need someone to talk to because I don't want to tell anyone about this (for various valid reasons) He is VERY remorseful and I believe that it is true remorse. I want to save my marriage because it has been a very happy one, and I feel our love is genuine. We have adult kids and they love us both. I don't want to cause shock and distress to them, and I intend to keep on living the life I am entitled to. I have not forgiven him, and at this point I do not trust him, but I am prepared to work with him to get us back on track. I own my contribution to the situation, but will not allow him EVER to blame me for his actions.

Anyway I just wanted to not be a creepy lurker lol, while i read the stories here.

posts: 1   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2023
id 8781851

Dorothy123 ( member #53116) posted at 10:31 PM on Sunday, March 12th, 2023

beachlover, Welcome to SI.

Please go get tested for STD's.

There are gay bars and places where gay men go to meet up for sex.

Sounds like your WS is a serial cheater.

Good thing that you blame yourself for this and you shouldn't.

I too was married to a closeted bisexual. I have D my ex husband.

Others will come along and offer help.

Hang in there.

One day at a time.

Sending hugs.

Just hover your mouse over "healing library " .

Then choices will appear.

Click on abbreviations.

Then you will get the acronyms we use here.

"I’ll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!" Wicked Witch of the West.

posts: 5477   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2016   ·   location: a happy place
id 8781867

leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 12:04 AM on Monday, March 13th, 2023

Welcome to SI, the best club nobody wants to join. Besides the Healing Library, there are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that are very helpful.

In the ICE (I Can Relate)forum, there's a forum for same sex APs. It may be helpful to read through those, too.

If he's giving things (time, affection) to somebody other than you, and hiding his behavior, it'd still an affair.

We generally don't recommend MC (marriage counseling) right away. The MC has a tendency to blame shift. Your marriage didn't cheat - he did. Why did he think it was ok to cheat? When you said your vows, he promised to forsake all others.

There's a short book called How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. He should read it and live by it.

Practice self care. We're also here to listen when the emotional roller coaster hits.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1970   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8781884

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 12:45 AM on Monday, March 13th, 2023

Please don’t remain in a marriage because you don’t want to hurt your adult children.

Remain in a marriage because you will be happy and will both put your effort into Reconciliation.

If your H is bisexual you may have bigger issues than just infidelity. Please find a counselor who is experienced in this type of situation. Not everyone who is a counselor has experience in affairs and same sex affairs.

Wishing you the best.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 13067   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8781886

Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 3:30 PM on Monday, March 13th, 2023

Are his porn sites almost all male? If so he is probably gay. I have gay relatives and one never tried dating the opposite sex and the other did. It only took 2/3 years for them to realize they were gay. You and he might agree to continue your marriage but at what cost? There are happy "marriages" where both partners are in the loop. He probably genuinely loves you but his sexual urges are for men. If the two of you can deal with that openly it might work. No more lies and strong boundaries work in any relationship.
He cheated. This is your reality. I wish you luck.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3807   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8781957

Sadismynewname ( member #63897) posted at 3:41 PM on Monday, March 13th, 2023

Hello as one who also found out about an emotional affair at 36 years of marriage I believe I am in a good spot to say I know the hurt and emotional upheaval this causes. I’m five years out and it still hurts like the day I found out. My husband was impotent for 21 years and I loved him tremendously. I never dreamed encouraging him to heal from war traumas in Vietnam would be me dealing with PTSD! I constantly told him how wonderful I thought he was and thanked him for the great life he provided. If you are looking for advice I don’t have a lot to give in respect but if a fellow wounded woman will give you comfort that’s me!

posts: 201   ·   registered: May. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Northwest
id 8781962
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