SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A gunshot wound emotionally is a good way to put it. Thanks for responding. I read these things and gain perspective and then I find my mind wandering back to her.
Needing a narc fix? Trauma bond?
Idk, but I do wonder where has my dignity and self-respect gone?
Yesterday, I noticed our shared iPhone note with her passwords to various accounts had been pulled so no longer shared with me. And I felt wounded and asked her about it, and I became upset and said, "good luck in your next man. You’re going to need it."
Like, wtf am I doing? Talk about making the situation worse.
Then she became even more upset and spoke of taking our son out of state for the summer, to live in our cabin.
I know if I keep pushing like this I’m going to end up in some custody case, and possibly even a restraining order as she’ll possibly play some victim role.
And yet, I still don’t want to let her go!

So..her ex-husband accused her of stabbing him..she was arrested,and found not guilty?

And another ex husband killed himself.

Considering all you have written..people are found not guilty when they're guilty, quite often. And are you sure he killed himself?

She sounds dangerous.

She sounds sociopathic. I am not able to diagnose anyone. It seems she has something wrong with her but one thing she is very good at is luring men in. Pay attention. Your mental and emotional health are at stake….possibly your physical healt as well.

gotta love yourself enough to save yourself JP007. She is not worth anymore of your time and resources.

Better DNA your kid! This is a must if I were you. You cannot trust this women. She is the type that would make you think its your kid when it belongs to someone else. I'm sorry you are in this predicament, but you do need some 2x4s right now. Whatever it is you need to do to get yourself together, its better if you get to it soon.

Stop calling her, stop talking to her about anything other then your son. Stop all chit chat or any talking. It is not having the affect that you want. She's not going to be talked back. She is discarding or has been discarding you, and she will continue to act this way until she has no other source, but right now she has another man.

Her daughter’s father (never married) stabbed himself and blamed her during their messy break up 10 plus years ago. She was arrested and taken to jail. However, it later came out that he did it to himself and she was exonerated.

Her previous husband did kill himself. They had an extremely tumultuous relationship.

She, while with her previous husband, once apparently tried to commit suicide by taking a bunch of pills, but obviously lived. I asked her about this and she denied all together. Said it absolutely never happened. She did not realize that I actually have a copy of the suicide letter in my possession. When I shared this fact, she completely quit talking about her suicide attempt and it has never been brought up again.

I don’t remember exactly how I came to having the letter (it was several years ago and I stuck it in a safe place thinking I may need it someday), but I believe it came from the first home-study we paid to have done when we were trying to get custody of her daughter (we have failed twice. If we lived in the same city/state as the daughter I think we (mom) would have joint/half custody).

I did a paternal test recently. Waiting on the results. I have no idea what I would do if I learned my son wasn’t biologically mine, besides completely fall apart. I believe he is my boy.

There was a weird thing with a tablet lately and I caught her in a lie, but I can’t absolutely prove she’s messing around with another male.

She still has life 360 active, so I can see her gps location unless she alters it. Still living in my home, although she wants to leave and get an apartment. The home is for sale and will hopefully sell soon. It actually benefits me having her there.

But each day she seems to do something to pull away from me a bit more (discard).

She swears there is no other man, claims to want nothing to do with "you males."

The last form of intimacy/affection I’ve had was a quick kiss on New Year’s Eve.

I have shared with her that I am starved of emotional/physical/sexual intimacy, and she does not care AT ALL.

I shared that I am beginning to think she is having her needs met elsewhere which she, of course, adamantly denies.

[This message edited by JP007 at 8:06 PM, Saturday, March 18th]

Have you read the court documents? Does it say he lied and stabbed himself,and blamed her?

If that's true..he lied about a very,very serious crime,and would have been charged. Yet, he was awarded primary custody?

Or..he worked out a deal with her,and lied and said she didn't stab him, in exchange, she signed over custody.

I recommend you disable Life 360,and stop reading her messages. She's been very clear that she has no intention of working on the marriage, and the two of you are physically separated. What she does is no longer your business, and vice versa.

I actually never really believed her myself, but then I did read the court document last year, and I was surprised to see that she was exonerated because she recorded him in a phone conversation where he admitted that he stabbed (actually I think it was more of a"cut") himself.
I agree, it’s time to disengage the Life360, however, I was waiting until after the house and investment property were handled. I feel better knowing that I have some idea of where she is and what’s going on.
2-3 weeks ago, I did say to her, that I understand, the relationship is over and we’re no longer together. To which she responded, that we are still together.
She has not communicated that since.
She has a bad heart, and is wearing some kind of monitor now, taped to her chest. Says it’s because I have her so stressed out. Screamed at me to get out of the house when I asked her about it.
She is still moving forward with her home building/buying/whatever she is doing. I find it quite irrational. I’ve communicated clearly this is a major boundary for me and I definitely will exit the relationship is she does move ahead with it.
She said okay and she is going to do it.
So I was thinking, sell the house/cabin, let her do her thing, and cut all financial/relationship ties, and strictly co-parent at that point.
Meaning get rid of Life360, separate bank accounts, emails, social media, etc. Stop working at anything in the relationship with the exception of our son, and move on as a bachelor.

So I was thinking, sell the house/cabin, let her do her thing, and cut all financial/relationship ties, and strictly co-parent at that point.
Meaning get rid of Life360, separate bank accounts, emails, social media, etc. Stop working at anything in the relationship with the exception of our son, and move on as a bachelor.

This is a solid plan,and really the only option.

She can say the two of you are together, but her actions say otherwise. Besides, why does she get to decide. You are not an option. You are the prize.

Right, be the drink not the thirst.
I’m not typically feeling like much of a prize these days, but I do have my happy moments.
Okay, it’s a solid plan. What do you think I should do in the meantime? Basically limited contact and only match what she puts forth?
If nothing, then return nothing?
And why do I care so much if she’s screwing around with someone else? With her history and our lack of affection/intimacy, it’s a logical assumption, at the very least an emotional online connection with someone.
It’s like I’m waiting around to catch her in the act of screwing someone. And then I’ll have some ah hah! Gotcha! moment. Maybe after all this digging and investigating that’s what I actually want, to prove something is definitively physical.

Do you know what the narcissist often does to the person they told they loved? They love bomb them, and then they disregard them, and then they discard them. And this is what it sounds like she does to every single man she deals with.
Whatever her idea about reality is, it’s not real. You are wondering why you can’t quite let go and it’s very simple. She does this push/pull, push/pull and it makes the person who loves her, and trust her, to start going crazy. It’s fairly simple to do to someone believe it or not. It’s called gaslighting. And you’ve been a victim of it. I would imagine the other men in her life have also been gaslit. You need to let go because you’re hanging on by your fingernails anyway.

Just started the book Becoming The Narcissists Nightmare, and boy does a lot of it ring true concerning what I have experienced with her.
And this is why we’ve all went crazy with her?
To the point where the last man killed himself. And yet, so many people think she is this sweet jubilant woman……

It's possible. Chances are she's probably a sociopath or psychopath but there are a lot of overlapping traits with a narc. It's hard to diagnose a narc because they don't usually stay in treatment long enough for the therapist to make the diagnosis.

What really helped me was the YouTube videos by Dr Ramani on narcissists and narcissistic abuse. She did a series on vocabulary that was very helpful. The one on trauma bonding is very good.

Another one that was really valuable to me was the one asking if they knew what they were doing. The answer is yes, because they turn it off or on depending on the situation.

All three personality disorders look for empathetic partners to exploit because you'll keep the peace and adjust what you do to accommodate their wishes.

[This message edited by leafields at 7:15 AM, Sunday, March 19th]

I am definitely just hanging on by my fingernails, so what is the point of even trying anymore?
She has told me many times now to go find another woman so my attention is not on her and she doesn’t have to deal with me so much.
She even told me to, "Go stick it in your ex-wife’s hole!"

Ok, that's gross and if that's how she expresses herself I wonder what you find attractive in her?

Also, you said she has a bad heart. I agree with you but probably not in the way you meant it.

Pull your energy back from her and concentrate on yourself. She will do anything and everything to get your attention back but please don't give it to her. You will heal when your energy is on yourself rather than her.

I had a paternity test done. I am the father and I’m very happy about the results.

More of the same with us. I seem to pursue, even when i tell myself not to, and she withdraws.

I can’t seem to let go, or keep my mouth shut concerning things that pertain to us as a couple.

I did ask for the engagement ring back (a quick Google search stated this was usually proper when you’re not actually married yet, and the spouse cheated and/or wants out). And with some expressed anger, she did give it back.

I told her I’d be more than happy to give it back if we could find some middle ground and work things out between us.

I have been paranoid thinking she’s with someone else/has something going on.

Admittedly, i have driven by the house a half dozen times, and even looked into the windows a couple times.

She stays up late sometimes and plays what she calls "mindless" video games like Roblox. And she binges television shows, but as far as i can tell, nothing going on.

Not sure why i can’t seem to not care and let go anyway.

The need to love myself comment above probably has a lot to do with it, and more than I want to admit.

When i engage and she is angered enough (easy to do - walking on eggshells), she threatens to leave the home, to which I’m sure you may be thinking that would be a good thing, however, i am financially benefiting by her living in the big house until it sells (hopefully soon - showings and open houses have went well).

As i wrote that i remember telling her the first time that it’s like walking on egg shells around her, to which she quickly responded, that’s what my last husband said.

[This message edited by JP007 at 10:07 PM, Thursday, March 23rd]

I have been paranoid thinking she’s with someone else/has something going on.
Admittedly, i have driven by the house a half dozen times, and even looked into the windows a couple times.

Do you think this the most productive and healthy use of your time?

Is this obsession with what your is or isn't doing helping you to be a better parent to your child?

You’re right. It’s definitely not helping. And i do need to do a hard stop.