Sorry that you find yourself here brother. This place is a great resource for folks in your position and I hope that you stick around to get the most benefit you can from the hard earned wisdom that has been crowdsourced from thousands of equally as unpleasant experiences as yours with infidelity.
So, to recap from your posts in this thread, your wife had a ONS while away and she is now suggesting that you do a 6 month trial separation and she is being the opposite of transparent with respect to sharing her phone passwords and access. My spidey sense is tingling with that one. One thing that we all know, it is like page 1 of the Cheater's Handbook, Cheater's lie and they like a lot. I would highly doubt that she doesn't know this guy and since you have no access to her email, phone, etc. you are really hard up to verify that she is not having any contact with this guy. Do you have access to the phone bill that you can check to see if a number is recurring on there a lot in recent months, probably leading up to the Sept 2022 meet up. What about bank statements? Any charges there that might indicate a hole in her story? I'm going to be honest, this got my spidey sense tingling because it sounds like total unbelievable bullshit. A more plausible explanation is that she is still deep in an affair with both an emotional and physical component, although the physical component has perhaps been limited by distance since you mentioned a far away state.
It sounds like your wife may best be suited to see a proctologist for help, as it seems that her cranium has been fully lodged up her rectal cavity and with a problem like that, you need top shelf medical help. She has completely broken all trust with you and yet she expects you to trust her story about a ONS with what evidence?
To your initial post, R is not a myth, but it is hard work on the part of both spouses. Right now, your wife has all the power. You come to her asking for access to her phone and you come to her requesting this and that, all of which she is shutting down and turning it back on you. She won't talk about the affair because you read too much into it? Come the fuck on, that is some DARVO bullshit. You are not the one who had an affair, she is.
As a BH, you have to lay down some ground rules for any potential R, which do include full transparency, a written timeline of the affair, an STD test, objective evidence that there is No Contact and an STD test to make sure she didn't bring you anything nasty or life threatening. You should be firm with your list of your requirements for any R and if she won't do it, that she needs to leave the house and you will begin the process of Divorce. I understand that you want R and I respect that, but we have a saying here that I will paraphrase, "only he who is willing to lose the marriage, can save the marriage." I'm working off your limited information in posts, but if I had to guess, your wife has not suffered many consequences from the affair. I mean, are you still doing things around the house to help her? Doing nice gestures like bringing home flowers, candies, etc.? Did you go all out on the most recent Valentine's Day? Those are all forms of something we call the pick me dance.
Navigate to the top of the SI page and see the healing library. Look for the 180. I think that is something that you need to understand and implement yourself. You are emotionally attached to your wife and you love her. Again, totally normal and I get it. However, that closeness and love we feel can really mess with our better judgment. You need to look at the 180 as a way for you to gain some distance from her so you can try to be more objective about whether she can do the work or not for R. At the moment, she appears to be completely unwilling to do the work necessary for a successful R, as evidenced by her unwillingness to move a finger. The most successful WS when it comes to R are the ones who after discovery are moving heaven and earth to show their BS, not tell, show them that they (the BS) are the prize. At this stage talk is cheap and easy and I would bet your wife has talked the talk, but has she walked the walk. The 180 is not a manipulation tactic but if you do distance yourself from her, treat her like a roommate and maybe go so far as to sleep in a separate bedroom, it will show her some consequences and that you are not going to just sweep this under the rug. Where you guys are right is that she is expecting to just let time pass and you will rugsweep it and never deal with the issues that got her there.