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Newest Member: rmf2rmv

Just Found Out :
I can’t tell if I am being manipulated


 emeraldfawn (original poster new member #82980) posted at 2:21 AM on Thursday, March 2nd, 2023

I am 25 and he is 27. My mom sees only some parts of our relationship. I’m ashamed and it is hard to open up about everything that is going on. She thinks he is a good person but someone who is really immature and isn’t working hard enough for his daughter. She’s witnessed his tantrums and how he yells at me when things don’t go his way and she has asked why I let him stress me out. My friends absolutely despise him and they’ve never actually met him. They don’t want to. They don’t even know everything either but they’ve heard me on the phone with him, he has a habit of calling me and arguing when I’m hanging out with my friends. My best friend has asked me not to tell her anything about him anymore because it hurts her knowing someone is treating me poorly. He thinks I only talk badly about him to everyone and claims that if they all knew the truth and what was really going on, nobody would be on my side. And right now, it is so hard for me to imagine someone else in my situation. I’m exhausted and feel drained and he just calls me lazy. I had started a new job this week that I now have to leave and we fought that same night over him thinking my family is dirty and how he doesn’t want my two year old brother near our baby because his hands aren’t clean. That he wants our daughter to have better values and how my mom is a bad example for our baby because she’s had children with three different men, how he doesn’t want my mom taking care of her. Honestly I am really depressed and just know tonight is going to be another bad night because I refused to buy him an outfit. I texted him good luck, that I wished him the best and how he deserved all the opportunities and he responded with a cold "thank you." I feel stuck. This forum has been a huge help already. I felt like I deserved all the insults and grief he was throwing my way. He is in a bad situation and I have sympathy and I think it’s what makes it harder for me to detach. I will continue checking out this site, I want and need help. I can’t afford counseling at the moment.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2023   ·   location: southern california
id 8780164

leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 2:34 AM on Thursday, March 2nd, 2023

He is manipulating you - big time. My XWH is a diagnosed covert narc, and I spent over 30 years being manipulated, devalued and discarded.

If you read your posts and pretend like it's one of your friends confiding in you, what advice would you give?

You aren't lazy. Your body is still recovering from the process of giving birth, exacerbated by his terrible behavior.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1970   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8780166

Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 3:09 AM on Thursday, March 2nd, 2023

You are probably overwhelmed by all the posts on here, but pay attention to the fact that we have all said you need to get rid of him ASAP. It’s going to take you a minute to find your strength but once you do you will be done. He is a true parasite. He will find another woman to con, and then another, and then another. For whatever reason he has no concept of reality. He is only focused on what he can get out of you.
My husband had an employee whose son sounds just like this guy. He conned his mother but his siblings were sick of him and never lent/gave him money. Finally she bought a small business to give him a new start. He wrecked it, including the building and wound up in prison. There are people whose personalities never got completely formed. He sounds like one of them.
Please be packing either your clothes or his but you need to cut him lose.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3807   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8780169

The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 3:11 AM on Thursday, March 2nd, 2023

Wow!!! I cannot imagine you having to raise a spoiled man-child and infant at the same time.

When your friends don’t mind him and god good reason, that is a huge sign 🚩🚩

Your baby brother is just a baby and he can learn to wash his hands lol. What cannot be learned is that your man/child can act like an adult and stop being a controlling selfish difficult person.

Think about how your baby will react to all this yelling!!! Especially when they get older and witness this behavior. They will think it’s ok.

And his rage snd tantrums are not ok.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 13067   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8780170

TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 9:28 PM on Thursday, March 2nd, 2023

We all agree he is abusing you (emotionally), manipulating you and is a giant man-baby.

But let's say you're having a hard time coming to accept that.

How about this:

Sounds to me that he thinks you are pretty much worthless. Bad mom, bad girlfriend, bad family, bad employee and the list goes on. In fact, you are, to him, such a nothing that he can and must sleep with other women.

Why would he want to be with you then?

Why would you bother with a relationship with someone who obviously can't stand you?

You're not for him. Maybe if you believe that you'll start realize that he's not for you either.

posts: 358   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8780356

emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 9:32 PM on Monday, March 6th, 2023

How are you doing emeraldfawn?

Any updates? I haven't commented but I agree with a lot of the comments of the others that this guy has more red flags than a bullfighting convention.

Sometimes its hard to see how bad things have gotten when you are in the middle of a toxic relationship. I recommend getting some distance from him to see if you are able to better clear your head. You deserve better than this.

Me: BS. Him: WS. Together 16 years.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two kids) into R. Happy.

posts: 1319   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8781049

 emeraldfawn (original poster new member #82980) posted at 9:55 AM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2023

Hello everyone on the forum. As an update, he did not come home anymore and we are not together. He was annoyed that I still felt bothered by him spending nights at a girl’s place last summer. He feels like I did way worse than him; according to him, I let him sleep in the streets and I wasn’t a partner, that I was never a team player in this relationship because I never played any sports in my life. He told me he was done. He feels like I wasn’t honest with him. That I agree with him on plans and disappear last minute. That it would be stupid of him to continue waiting for me to "build" with him, that I bail on him way too much. I agree that I was wrong in backing out of a lease because I can only imagine how shattering it is to be excited to move into an apartment and then not. I sincerely feel terrible for that. He finds that unforgivable. I take accountability for that. And the thing is, I know that if I was better financially, I would do anything for him. While it is true that I didn’t trust him to be able to afford rent, I wasn’t trusting myself either. Paying almost $3000 a month alone would be a huge burden! Anyway, he was really mad and just told me it’s not love, it’s jealousy I show him because I only care if he’s with girls. I don’t agree with this—it’s not that I’m merely jealous, I’m hurt and his actions weren’t making me feel secure in the relationship. The night he didn’t come home last week was after his audition, he said he was just going to stay at his friend’s place in the city and it just made me feel weird because that’s what he would say when he was actually spending the night at the girl’s place. I know he wasn’t going to go see her this time but I was still not over it and I would have liked it if he just gave me reassurance instead of condescension. It is almost a week since the breakup and it has been hard. I feel confused. I’m really sad about it but also feel hopeful about moving on. I have moments where I feel like screaming and crying, it feels like someone died. I worry about my daughter and I’m sad her parents aren’t together. This separation feels very real too, I don’t see us solving it. It was a bad fight, I told him to stay away from me and he seems like he is actually going to go rent a room somewhere. I don’t really know where he’s staying or what he is doing, I’m too scared to ask. I’ve kept it solely about the baby and have tried keeping the peace even when he’s still a little indignant. He’s come by to pick up our daughter for an hour in the evenings. We took her to her first swim lesson today and it was heartwarming because of her; there was tension between him and I and a lot of silence. I felt so uncomfortable and hated. I am going to miss him and I need to promise myself to not be swept in again and to not react anymore when he is insulting.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2023   ·   location: southern california
id 8781105

 emeraldfawn (original poster new member #82980) posted at 10:13 AM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2023


[This message edited by emeraldfawn at 10:14 AM, Tuesday, March 7th]

posts: 5   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2023   ·   location: southern california
id 8781106

Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 12:50 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2023

Look up trauma bonded. Your good common sense knows he is not good for you but your heart has not caught up yet.
He is the product of genetics and childhood but whatever made him the way he is seems to have stunted his emotional growth at about 3 years old. Sadly, I don’t think anyone can fix him.
Please look at Cluster B personality disorders. I can’t diagnose him because I have not had the training but my job has shown me how damaging it is to live with, be a child of, be a sibling of, this type of person.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3807   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8781113

jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 12:55 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2023

He hasn't taken account for ANYTHING. You are taking accountability for backing out, but I think for the wrong reason. It's not about building and dashing his hopes, it's the fact that you should have backed out being that he showed ZERO responsibility that he would be financially responsible.

I would (1) see if he is willing to sign away his legal rights, and if not, (2) immediately file for support. I can't imagine him doing either, because that would show responsibility on his behalf, but you can be hopeful. I know it must hurt that he left, but believe me, you will have a much more fulfilling life without him in your inner circle. He's nearing 30, and has the maturity level of a 13 year old.

BH-50sWW-50s2 boysMarried over 30yrs.

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary PuckettD-Day(s): EnoughAccepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 4236   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8781114

FunHouseMirror ( new member #80992) posted at 12:56 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2023

Miss Emerald, he WILL be back and he will try everything and anything in his power to manipulate you.

Be on the lookout for:

Love bombing: (treating you with love, and giving you all the attention and affection you always wanted but never got.) Remember that this will only continue until he gets what he wants.

Cruel manipulation: Where he blames everything on you and makes you feel so guilty that you can't help but take him back.

Helplessness: Where he says that he is homeless and has nowhere to go, and he is the father of your child.

Trying to make you jealous: (I think you already know what this looks like.)

He will use any and/or all of these to manipulate you to get the reaction he desires. I know you want to believe the best in people, especially him, but he is not someone to give the benefit of the doubt to. You've already given him so much of your very precious time and energy. Please don't give him any more.

posts: 47   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2022
id 8781115

annb ( member #22386) posted at 2:33 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2023

Gently, why would you feel guilty about any of your actions? He's irresponsible, he wants to live in a $3,000 a month apartment, he needs to find a good job. He's using you as a security blanket for his failures as a decent human being and is a master manipulator turning everything that is wrong with HIM projecting it on to you.

Please meet with an attorney or two asap to protect your child.

He's homeless, he is a big boy, he can look for a homeless shelter on his own.

we are not together.

^^^You probably can't see it now, but you are dodging a huge bullet with this manipulating cheating manchild.

posts: 11762   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8781129

HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 8:56 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2023


I know you feel helpless and that your world may be caving around you, but please listen to all the folks on this board. We don't know you, so we can only go by what you've written. And what you've written is all sorts of red flags about your ex. I would never never accept that type of behavior for someone dating my daughter.

In time, and as you get away from this loser, your life will improve. All he does is blame you for his issues. He should man up and work to get himself and his family a place to stay, but he blames you. He wants to live a luxurious life, but his bank account is in red. He cheats on your within months of moving in together that you know of, and probably even before that.

I hope you reread what you've written, and see that he is not a worthy partner. He's also going to be a deadbeat Dad too. Be glad he's shown you who he is. If you move on from him, your anxiety will go away, your life will improve. He shows signs of a Narcissist, and you'd do well to stay far away from this loser. Don't give him any more of your time and thoughts, and keep your focus on your daughter. Better days are ahead, you just don't know it yet.

posts: 1399   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8781191
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