SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

when one member makes a statement that most reconciled couples aren’t really reconciled and are merely white knuckling it.

Hmm. When members say that about other members, have you read Why it's being said?

Typically it's said when the WS hasn't done any work to become a safe partner, and they're blaming their BS for the affair, they won't go NC, they're still defensive, they won't answer questions, and when they do it's either half assed, or it's "I don't know/remember." They refuse transparency,refuse IC, use MC as a weapon,etc. But the BS says they're reconciled because occasionally the WS says they're sorry,and they're love bombing them as long as they don't bring up the affair. Many BS rugsweep. Rugsweeping, and/or simply not divorcing, isn't the same thing as reconciliation. Also,many BS show up in JFO, having just found out a few weeks prior,and say they're "reconciled."

Cringe away.

Wanttobehappy...you are a member who has truly reconciled. I am so happy for you!

Wanttobehappy...you are a member who has truly reconciled. I am so happy for you!

Thank you for that Hellfire...it means a lot to see this!

Seems to me that whether we use the word abuse or not doesn’t really matter. There are no jail sentences being handed out here. If we choose to use a few more words we can all be heard and understood. OP seems to be saying that her understanding of abuse requires intent to harm, others have a different definition. I doubt any of us care about changing eachother’s internal definitions.

I for one do not believe my wife did what she did with the intent to hurt me, but I think she did it with knowing reckless disregard for the pain it would cause. I also don’t think that people who don’t have experience with infidelity know how painful and traumatizing it is, so I can’t even hold against her that she knowingly subjected me to the fullness of this. I call it abuse, but the paragraph above is a far richer description of what is in my head.

OP, thanks for sharing, you genuinely brought some tears. Best wishes.

I too feel frustration when people project their situation onto others’ as well as their ideologies without any acknowledgement of that and difference. In recent years I also began to feel the tone generally was becoming more strident, hardline and angry so that JFO for example was far from always the gentle welcoming place it needs to be and I feel some are not careful enough to differentiate their hurt from others, which is the opposite from empathy IMO, and which scares people off. But it is absolutely necessary to be able to vent - safely for yourself and others - and that can have a beneficial effect for anybody who is feeling foggy and needing help feeling their own anger. I feel the value in seeing so many different perspectives can help people orientate towards their own in their unique situation. But we need to be building people’s confidence up, listening attentively rather than dogmatically advising without a nuanced tailoring to circumstance and personality, and certainly not shaming or blaming or shooting someone when they’re down, which I have seen too often - the label codependent is not helpful to anyone for example. We need to be compassionate and agile; far better to empower and encourage someone than lecture them, so they are acting from a creative and resourced position of knowledge and strength. There is no party line that needs adhered to. As always it is good to underline that our experience is just that, only ours, but that there may be something helpful in it for another, and that there are some generally held to be good practices we have derived either from our experience and others that may be useful and efficacious to apply asap therefore. The terrible loneliness and uncertainty of betrayal, especially early on, must be our primary concern so people know we have their back, without judgement.

There endeth today’s lecture 😏.

Edie,
I could not agree more. Venting statements like "my spouse is a (fill in any damning name) or "my spouse is a hopeless and not capable of change", "my spouse abused me"… etc is helpful to poster and healthy. When they decide that the spouse and experience of others must mirror theirs is when I cry bullsxxx. We may have formed some opinion, based on a few posts of another’s marriage, but ultimately, we don’t truly know the poster, their spouse, or the climate of their marriage. My biggest gripe is with the "your marriage is/was a lie and a sham". Who the hell is anyone to decide that about my marriage? They can define their marriage that way and I will respect it. They are simply wrong to make that assumption about mine or anyone else’s.

Congratulations on getting to the other end of this. I especially appreciated the part about fidelity not being the only thing in the marriage. I have seen a wise poster named Chamomile tea who talks about some of that and it’s helped me to also more fully analyze our marriage.

I agree reconciling is possible. And that what you decide about your situation is up to you. I have found choosing better feeling thoughts for myself is most important. The way we frame things in our mind is only helpful or hurtful for us, and does not have near the impact of our spouse. Once I decided about reconciliation then I decided that my thoughts and behaviors needed to align with that. I do my best to be consistent in that decision.

There will be no third chance, so I rest in that knowledge and try not to hold any part of myself separate in the situation. As a former ws myself, I understand how much cheating is a very poor coping mechanism and that people can grow from that. And respect myself enough to not stay if another shoe drops.