SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A few months ago, WW admitted to cheating on me. I had my suspicions but convinced myself otherwise (and he was very good at always having an excuse). This affair was 90% online, and they met up a few times.

Because I was suspicious, I had been grieving our relationship for a long time. So when the time came where he admitted it to me, I was less visibly upset than I expected. I was sad. I was betrayed. But I didn't express it for long enough.

After many conversations, we have reconciled. WW is aware that if it happens again, even so much as if I get a suspicion, I am out. I had issues standing up for myself, and have been tackling that in therapy.

Yet I am still wary. He hasn't done anything to make me think he's cheating again, but my brain can't stop thinking about it. I also feel like he got off too easy. I have trouble expressing anger, and feel like I gave in too soon. Like I had the right to be angry, didn't express it, and have now lost that chance.

I don't even have a question. Just wanted to share my feelings.

What is his reason for cheating and what has he done to ensure that it won't happen again?

You can always back track. If you truly want to work it out, you have to work THROUGH it, not get over it or around it. Your needs matter and it's in everyone's best interest to have a thorough reconciliation if that is your goal.

Welcome to SI and so sorry you had to find us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that are very helpful. Also, the Healing Library has good stuff that you may find useful.

Healing from intimate betrayal can take a long time. There's no reason why you can't step on the brakes and take the time to express your feelings. If you don't do it now, it will come out later.

I have been feeling a lot of the same OP. I feel like I gave in too easy & said, oh it is ok. Now that I've spent some time thinking about what happened, realizing he refuses to answer some questions and wants to rug sweep the entire situation I have studied the 180 in the resources & have started working on that.

This weekend was an example of the 180...he came home & went to bed early both Friday & Saturday nights. I would've have been interested in some intimacy but he was snoring by 8:30pm. I did not initiate anything and went on to bed in my own time. Last night he was frisky acting but I was tired from doing housework all afternoon & my general Sunday night exhaustion leading into Monday so I was not receptive. Not that I am using sex as a punishment/reward but for someone who chose to betray me the way he did I am not going to be his sex on demand.

I have also addressed with him that I have unanswered questions still out there and that there is work he needs to do towards reconciliation. Until then we are in some kind of holding pattern. If he chooses not to put in the work I will be capable of walking away. It will kill me on the inside but I will do it.

Reconciliation is a process. It takes years. It's not something you say you are, and then you are.

You are rugsweeping. Stop. You can't heal. There are some requirements you should insist on,for you to consider attempting reconciliation.

At minimum..

Full transparency. You get full access to all accounts and the phone. Passwords included.

He answers all of your questions without anger or defensiveness, and zero blame.

Std testing

He is proactive in healing the damage he has caused you, the marriage, and himself.

Complete honesty.

NC. He blocks her on everything.

IC to figure out why he cheated.

Your job is to take care of yourself, get tested for stds, contact the other BS and inform the of the affair(don't tell your husband), and watch his actions.

Don't share this site with him.

I am only a month in, and I had a similar response, but reading and talking to people here convinced me of this:

Recover first.

Then consider if you want to reconcile.

If you do reconcile, know it is a long journey.

This weekend, I spoke with my WH and told him this. I asked him if he envisioned himself as a cheater when we married. He said no. I said that before we could reconcile, we both had to recover, and that meant HE had to figure out how he lost his honesty and integrity and had an affair. How did he lose his way? I had to heal myself and process and work through the damage done by his affair.

He actually got it, and I think it gives me time to really process before we even decide to reconcile.

As my name suggests, I am a forgiving person, but drawing some lines this time has really helped.

We are all here for you to help you process what the right way forward is for you.

eternallypo,

I dont think you have lost the chance to be angry. I was angry even after 2 years A happened. By surpressing your anger you will become bitter. Dont do that to yourself. In the beginning all you want to do is cling onto your partner but after a while it does change. You have to value yourself. You cannot let him dictate how you act and feel. You will not let him rugsweep any of it because you still need time to process it. So i would go back to your WH and tell him exactly how you feel. He needs to be able to listen to it and process it and help you heal (although most of the healing will come from you anyway). You will not let him off the hook so easily. Tell him exactly how you feel and if he shuts it down then clearly he isnt ready for reconcilaition and neither are you. He needs to respect you and your feelings and he clearly has not done that. Be kind to yourself. Dont let anyone feel like they can control you.