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Anyone here just find themself lacking all emotions? I feel like I’m just going through the motions. I know one way or another I will survive this latest round. WH is super emotional and I think it may be a reaction to my lack there of. Thoughts?

I'm divorced, so I don't know if that helps, but it's been 5 years from Dday 2 and 4.5 years from when I called it and filed. For the longest time, I had trouble feeling things. I likened it to a piano keyboard where only the notes in the middle work. The keys at either end just don't do anything anymore. Thus I had only a limited range of emotional notes. Joy, laughter, happiness... all unplayable. Funny, the anger and rage keys always managed to worth though. I guess those are the most resilient.

But recently, say maybe 6ish months, I've noticed a real change. 🤔 I think it was late spring or early summer where I laughed for the first time in 6 years. Normally, I developed the ability to half chuckle during my hell years. It was my attempt to have a somewhat normal social response in public. I didn't want to be known as the robotic zombie freak and it was my coping mechanism. Well, I was at a get together a d we were playing a party game, pictionary. Anyway, I'd had a couple drinks and one of the drawings set me off. It was like years of laughter that had been locked in my vault, poured out of me. I remember laughing and thinking at the same time, so that's what it feels like. That moment must have been a catalyst because I started and continue to change and open up. Hope has returned and shoulder despair to the corner of the room. I'm feeling excited on occasion which is a huge deal for me. I'm even opening up to the possibility of a partner one day. So things do get better.

I have this advice I post every so often that it has become my boiler plate wisdom. It was given to me by a monk from India and it is simple but has helped me greatly. It is just this: you are not your emotions. You are merely experiencing them. They do not define who you are. You are not sad, but simply experiencing the feeling of sadness, and when you have completely experienced that, you will put it away and experience a different emotion. They are just transitory guests in your life meant to teach you.

So when I get my sad days, and boy I still get those, I recognize that this is just an uninvited guest for short visit. I turn and face it and allow myself to feel it. And then it goes, usually after a good sleep. I'm pretty amazed at how good I feel in the morning as opposed to how badly I felt earlier. It's really an encouragement to me and I remember this for the next time.

Don't know if any of this helps, but we are rooting for you. Chin up. You can do this...

Wow, I'm sorry to see that you are a poster from 2009 that has found a reason to return here. It sounds like you spent the last 14 or so years in a false R situation with someone who is serial. At this point, it seems like it would be reasonable to be emotionless as there is not much else you can do at this point. He either cannot or will not remain faithful to you and he has shown that after being given repeated chances to do so.

It sounds like you have another Dday you are working through. My Dad passed away just short of a year from Dday. I had no emotions because there was just nothing left to give.

I’m sorry you are going through this

It's more than likely a trauma response because you can't handle any more revelations. Please practice self-care and post when you can. Sorry.

Have you considered counseling? To at least get in touch with your emotions? That is kind of like being stuck emotionally and everything will back up unless you are able to work through them, or so my counselor told me.

Sick2Death,

For me personally, the first six months after Dday was a total blur for me.

Don't remember much of it except I was in excruciating pain.

This picture below accurately resembles what I was going through the first six months after Dday.

Thank you all for the support. I acknowledge you all are on the mark.

I have been searching for a support group this time. I agree I need individual counseling also but I am waiting right now.

This time if I choose to stay I need things to be dealt with differently than the previous experience. I really want him to tell our adult children obviously not every gritty detail. I also want him to tell his sister. Last time I kept everything secret about what I went through. I think that sunshine may bring additional accountability and honesty. Aside from broken trust and a hard stretch to reach forgiveness and enter reconciliation, there were not a lot of consequences for him. I was the only one to go to counseling.

Thank you all for listening.

Have a great hump day.