SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I posted a while ago dating after 30 years.

I asked him to talk today and asked what he wanted out of this relationship. We had both said previously we didn't know what we were looking for and I reiterated that I thought that was fine as long as we were honest with one another. I said I felt there was an attraction and I was Ok acting on that if he could be patient with me because I needed to go slow because of my betrayal.

He said he wanted to be friends.

I don't understand why every time I saw him he invited me out again. He didn't always follow through with those plans, and when I'd ask he'd say he got busy, but that was exactly why I wanted to have this conversation. I'm glad I did, but I'm just very confused.

Sounds a little like he got a little scared...possibly being frank about goals for a relationship is totally new to him? Are you sort of giving him mixed signals, though? I'm confused, too....

I was giving mixed signals, which is why I told I wanted to talk to clear things up. I guess he was giving mixed signals too.

Was thinking about you as I scanned through the different forums and realized that I'm seeing fewer and fewer familiar names. Hope you are doing well as you define it!

He was probably on the fence about how he felt about you, and when you asked him for clarity, he made the decision on the spot.

It's been a while since I've been on the dating scene, but one thing I noticed with men (caveat: obviously not all men) is that if you say that you're not sure what you want and that you're OK with "just seeing how things go," they're not necessarily going to tell you outright that they've lost interest. If they're not crazy about you (but still enjoy your company well enough) they will simply put you on the backburner while they continue to explore their other options.

Going forward, if a guy isn't following through on his invitation to make plans or is falling through more than once or twice on plans that you've made, it's safe to assume that he's not interested. And if he's truly that busy that he can't make plans with you advance and manage his schedule properly, than he probably shouldn't be dating anyway.

As for what you can do differently going forward, tell guys up front that you want to take things slow and not rush into intimacy, but that you are looking for a serious, committed relationship. This will set expectations a little more explicitly up front than "I don't know what I want yet," and eliminate ambivalent time wasters from your dating pool.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 7:46 PM, Tuesday, March 14th]

This will set expectations a little more explicitly up front than "I don't know what I want yet," and eliminate ambivalent time wasters from your dating pool

One thing I find that I'm still trying to sort out, not necessarily with this guy, but with 90 percent of them; figuring out when a guy is respectfully letting the woman take the lead, vs. when they are disinterested. I think in general people are so horribly bad at following up these days. For instance, I mailed a longtime friend a gift for a major occasion last month. I saw it was delivered. Heard nothing. A few days later I emailed and said, it was delivered on xxx day if you didn't get it let me know and I'll put a trace on it. Heard nothing. That seems to carry over into the dating world as well.

I'm hardly Miss Manners, but seriously ... why spend the money on a dating site, and the energy setting up a day for a call, and then call the day after the scheduled day??

When a guy of good character is genuinely interested, his words and his actions are consistent. For example, if he says he will call you at 7 PM tomorrow, he will call you at 7 PM tomorrow.

The distinction between respectful and disinterested is recognizable, too, because you won't feel anxious or confused. For example, a respectful and interested guy will call you and text you regularly because he wants to hear from you and let you know that you're on his mind... but he doesn't love bomb you or blow up your phone if you don't respond to his text message immediately. If he flakes out or can go multiple days without at least checking in, then he's disinterested.

One of the challenges of getting divorced, and particularly getting out of infidelity, is that we're accustomed to relationships being really difficult and having to constantly overthink someone else's thoughts and motivations.

But one of the hallmarks of a healthy relationship (now that I'm in one!) is just how damn easy it is! Sure, we have our struggles and our miscommunications... but no cat-and-mouse games, no need to put on my Sherlock Holmes cap, or my psychiatrist's monocle to figure out what he's thinking. When you find that, you will just know it.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 5:20 PM, Wednesday, March 15th]

One of the challenges of getting divorced, and particularly getting out of infidelity, is that we're accustomed to relationships being really difficult and having to constantly overthink someone else's thoughts and motivations.

Thanks BluerthanBlue.

It's just been a week. I met one guy for lunch on Monday. We left with both of us saying it had been nice and we'd follow up. Yesterday, I sent a text just saying "it was nice to meet you." I've heard nothing.

Another fellow I've been talking with about going for coffee messaged me this evening. I asked if he had a preference for which day to get together. The reply "I'm not much into planning these days ... just improvising." I replied, how about coffee tomorrow afternoon? No reply.

The good part is that I don't take it personally because they don't know me. But after a fairly painless first few dates, I'm wondering if the cream floated to the top and now I've got the part underneath that's starting to curdle on the dating app.... lol.

Glad you've managed to find a good relationship. I really just want to meet some people to do things with. If it leads to more, all the better.

This dating sounds like a lot of work! I hear ya....

Oddly, your descriptions remind me just a bit of my own experiences searching for a nice, healthy puppy since I lost my best old dog last Thanksgiving. You go through the search and sorting process, with so many disappointing results (in my case, puppy breeders who rely on "cuteness" to sell their "goods," rather than actual qualifications like parentsl achievements and clean bill of health, etc.) and then when you get a response (in my case, from a puppy breeder) you probe a little more specifically to get to the reality, and...you get weird replies or no clear signals.

Whew. It's exhausting!

I know zip about dating and dating apps these days, but recently the thought came to me: whenever I finally find this elusive puppy, will I happily cease my obsessive nightly online searching, emailing, chatting and photo exchanging that I've been doing since December, or will I miss the anticipation and energy it all took to do?

I imagine it's somewhat like that....

But at least it's "entertaining" you? I hope you can laugh.

Glad you've managed to find a good relationship. I really just want to meet some people to do things with. If it leads to more, all the

better.

That’s the best attitude to have.

Are you meeting these guys on dating apps? If so, maybe try out paid sites (like eHarmony) that require a little more effort. I think dating apps generally make people really lazy and flaky; they think there is something better just one swipe away.

"When a guy of good character is genuinely interested, his words and his actions are consistent. For example, if he says he will call you at 7 PM tomorrow, he will call you at 7 PM tomorrow."

I think a lot has to do with alignment...what is it that you want? Is the other person in alignment with that?
Do you want a polarized more masculine more feminine relationship...with the man "leading"? If so then I would think that type of man would want to make plans, pay, be more of a providing type. The woman more in the receptive role.
Other people prefer other dynamics.
Me. I have a preference for honesty, decency, and fair play.

I wasn't speaking about relationship dynamics.

Consistency of words and actions (ie, he does what he says he will do and doesn't leave you guessing about his intentions) is a sign of honesty, decency, and fair play.

My advice would be the same if BlackRaven was a man.