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This is the second time. We have had a huge confrontation because of S, before, when 6 months back she started sending him messages which made him "uncomfortable" and develop some feelings towards her and he promised to put a stop to it. But now months later, it has escalated to a point where they are constantly chatting on disappearing messages and he himself agrees that the messages are flirty from both sides.

Saw him smiling and texting at his phone, and when I suddenly looked at it, he closed Instagram and pretended to look at something else.

Took the phone and checked Instagram, S says "Just has Yumzz dinner" on disappearing messages.

S continued to send him messages like:

like talking to me?

Did you eat dinner? What did you have for dinner?

I think disappearing messages are not working.

And more that my mind is trying to block as I was so overwhelmed. he kept wanting to snatch the phone as if a lot more will be reviled.

I have learnt since that disappearing messages are turned on for one specific chat. So one of them have turned it on to hide their conversations.

Confirmed by A after all this:

1. S confessed her attraction to A on 20th Jan.

2. A agrees that he too is attracted to her.

3. They say they miss each other among other flirty messages. (Disappearing messages)

4. A took S to lunch right after our holiday (just the two of them).

5. They are both attracted to each other but cannot pursue it because of the marriage.

Given the months that have gone by, I suspect a lot more has happened but I possibly cannot coax or handle any more than this information as it's shocking and heartbreaking. I lied to him about whatever I could think of to get the complete truth and subsequently I got as much as I could've handled on the day.

Had I not found this today, I would probably be told months or years later that our marriage is over and he's in love with S.

A one-night stand or a meaningless fling is far better than this emotional and perhaps physical relationship.

3rd Feb

S reached out to me on IG and said there's nothing wrong from 'her' side and can speak to me on call.

Spoke to S, she confirmed:

1. A messaged her on the day and told her that he has feelings for her and she reciprocated by saying "don't know if you already know that I too have feelings for you" NOT the other way round. - all this time A just lied maybe to hide the fact that it was him that was falling for her and couldn't hold his feelings back anymore.

2. They chat constantly in and out of work and are in touch all the time.

3. Purpose of the lunch was not to put her down, it was truly just a date to spend time together.

4. They write I miss you to each other, and A initiates this as much as she does.

5. In the end I asked her, would you be married to someone who has feelings for somebody else and she said "no".

A keeps saying that it was just meaningless flirty banter, initiated by her and his feelings are limited to an attraction which is "not physical". But after speaking to S I believe otherwise as why would she lie and A is probably is lying like before to get out of the situation.

According to A the day he confessed his feelings:

S messaged A on Instagram

S: Having dinner alone?

A: Yes, going for Avatar

S: What did you mean the other day when you said "you don't wanna know"

A: I am attracted to you; I enjoy working with you. My work is the most important thing to me, I don't want this to fuck up our professional relationship.

S: I think you already know but I also have feelings for you.

A: I am married, I have never cheated in my any past relationships before, I don't plan to now.

S: Ya I respect your marriage, for me cheating is a no-no.

If he truly had meaningless feelings, he would not have confessed this to her, continued to stay in constant touch with her (in and out of office) through sneaky vanishing messages, taken her out for lunch alone, told her he misses her after the confessions. They were clearly pursuing this relationship till I caught it.

There must be a lot more that's hidden and I will never know.

In that case, I cannot be married to someone who has clearly developed feelings for somebody else and is with me just because:

1. Their relationship was still new and needed time to be able to break a 5-year marriage

2. Ending a marriage is difficult as families are involved and will have a huge impact to everything.

So, at this stage, he is just choosing to let that go, which makes this merely a compromise. And I feel it could just be a matter of time that they are strong and secure enough in their relationship to end the marriage.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 2:24 PM, Sunday, February 12th]

[This message edited by Heartbroken112233 at 3:24 AM, Sunday, February 12th]

I’m sorry for you. I feel your pain.

What do you plan to do?

I have no idea what to do. need help to decide.

Frankly I needed to read this over several times to possibly understand the situation.
I take it that it’s your husband that’s in contact with S, and that with A you are referring to your husband. Is S as in your sister, or S simply code for the other woman? Why is she in such good contact with you? It is undeniably unique that another person is so frank and open about a developing (and possibly initiated) affair.
What is clear is that there is an emotional affair going on. What is also clear to ME is that neither your husband nor S is capable of not escalating this further.
It’s a bit like when someone starts smoking. They might only have a cigarette in the morning with their first cup of coffee and don’t plan on having another one. Then it’s one at lunch, one in the coffee break, and soon it’s a pack a day. All the time knowing it’s wrong and all the time claiming to intend to one day cut it down. Your A and S are along that path, and their daily need is increasing.

What to do?
Well… deal with this from reality.
Fact is – if A wants so much to be with S there isn’t really anything you can do to prevent it. Sorry. That is the sad fact. That is reality.
What you CAN do is refuse to partake. Refuse to be sidelined in your intended role as the single most important woman in your husbands life.

This will sound harsh and hard, but frankly I have yet to see a better solution offered:
"A – You are having an inappropriate relationship with S. This relationship is still ongoing despite you being fully aware how it hurts me and how it is damaging our marriage. I have realized one thing though… You won’t stop despite me asking you to, so I’m just going to let you pursue your future relationship with S. You can date her, spend time with her, chat with her… whatever you want. Don’t have to hide it or use some high-school-like love-note methods to keep this a secret. We can share with everyone what is going on because I don’t experience any shame in it.
However – It won’t happen with you as my husband.
It definitely would be in good taste if you were to be discreet while we deal with our future as husband and wife, but I am initiating the emotional and eventual legal process of terminating our marriage. It’s not what I want, nor what I envisioned, but it’s immensely better than sitting on the sideline seeing S replacing the role I SHOULD HAVE in your life.

This is a process and I’m moving along it at my pace. There is a known legal process for the legal aspect of terminating our marriage. It should treat us both fairly if we are reasonable and sensible. The emotional aspect I need to deal with, but it requires I distance myself from both you and S.
I’m not going to tell you what to do. You are totally free to decide on your own. This is your chance to go ride the white horse along the beach into the sunset with S. This is also your chance to try to regain my heart and trust. It’s your call.

If you tell me in a very clear and concise way that you want THIS marriage then there are some demands I need met. They include total openness and total 100% NC with S. Personally and professionally. She needs to be out of our lives for at least a year – maybe even forever. It’s your call, only you don’t get to decide if you want to have an affair – you get to decide if you want to have a marriage."

Other than that – the book Not Just Friends by the late Dr. Shirley Glass is definitely the go-to book for emotional affairs. I would get it for yourself simply to better understand what it is he’s doing. If he states he wants the marriage – then he too reads that book.
The S? It’s like smoking – most people that quit do so cold-turkey.

Thank you Bigger for taking the time and responding. this means a LOT at this time.
Not sure if it's gaslighting, but my husband (A) insists that his feelings were just work attraction and he is not physically attracted to her and that this would not have gone anywhere. he says she would flirt with him and he enjoyed the attention and got carried away but would not let this go anywhere. I'm just so confused because we had a very happy marriage so he can get attracted to someone while we are happy, what would happen when we're not. is this forgivable?

You can recover from this. My H & I reconciled from his affair - where he planned to D me.

So yes you can recover. You can move past this.

Here’s the "but" part.

Your H has to stop cheating. That means no contact in any way. If he needs to find a new job, then he needs to find a new job.

Your H has to have remorse and be willing to make amends to repair the damage he threw into your lives. Without true remorse on his part - he is living another lie. And he may cheat again if he thinks he can get away with it. If he is truly remorseful he will move mountains to save your marriage.

If he’s just telling you what you want to hear then he’s doing the bare minimum to get himself out of the doghouse so to speak.

He needs to get counseling. You are right - if he cheats while you have a happy marriage then what happens in bad times?

There are some good books for him. He should read a few. It will give him some direction.

Are his feelings real? Yes I think they are. But would he end his marriage? No idea.

In your case I suggest you get some counseling too. On your own. Not marriage or couples counseling. Someone to support you. My counselor saved my sanity and our marriage.

Last piece of advice. Watch his actions. They tell you everything. If his actions match his words that is a good sign. But if they don’t, he’s lying and possibly still cheating.

Example: he says he is not in contact with the OW. But you continue to see texts. Actions don’t match his words.

Example: he says he’s willing to do anything to save the marriage. You then ask him for passwords to his phone and he refuses. That means he’s hiding something and he’s not really willing to do everything to help you heal.

I hope this helps you.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:57 AM, Saturday, February 11th]

I am sorry you find yourself here. It is hard when there are three people in your marriage.Stop reaching out to S as she is not your friend and anyone with half a brain knows its inappropiate to be texting a married person the way she is.

Your husband seems to think that because he hasn't had sex with her that he has not cheated. This is not true. He is emotionally cheating. It sounds from your message that your husband is in phone contact with her day and night. If this is true, the first thing I would do is make sure when my husband comes home he puts the phone away in a locked area. No phone during your time-you should be the priority.

Get the book Not Just Friends.
Make it clear that you aren’t safe and happy in the present situation, and that your husband needs to show you his priorities. If he’s not willing to keep his distance from S for 1-2 weeks while you two get to the bottom of this… well… then he’s shown you his priorities.

The big issue with EA’s is that often people don’t realize they are in an EA. The book could help you two realize where he’s at.

The problem is that he has been at this job for over 10 years and loves his work. S has been working there for about a year and they work together. he told me that he spoke to her and told her that their relationship, moving forward, will only be professional and has blocked her on social media. I do have access to his phone and laptop, it's not password protected.
but I feel like I don't know the person I married anymore.

So basically you are saying he will prioritize his job over his marriage?
Is he insisting there is no way he can do his job professionally without flirty texts, lunch-dates and expressions of what could be with this woman?
What is their work-role? Is he her supervisor?

Do you believe you can live in a situation where every day he goes to work you will
Wonder or worry about the OW?

Not healthy. Not good.

Also not necessary.

I'm going to be blunt,because you are being gaslit by your husband, and this OW.

First..get the notion that this woman told you anything that could be considered truthful. She knows he's married. That didn't stop her from going to lunches,and chatting on a messaging app designed to help cheaters hide their messages.

He told her he couldn't go any further that flirting at work because "he's married and has never cheated on his wife." That statement was designed to make him look innocent, and stop you from thinking he's done this before. Also, he was taking it further, because lunches and secret messaging certainly isn't professional.

This is a full blown affair. They are adults who have feelings for each other. Adults who feel like that have sex.

Schedule a polygraph, and watch him back track.

Put a voice activated recorder, secured with heavy duty velcro,under the front seat of his car. Guarantee you will find out they're still going to lunch..and more.

It doesn't matter that you have access to the accounts that you know about. He works with her. They talk,flirt, etc,etc, at work.

He's lying. She's lying. He's lying to cover his ass. She's lying to cover his ass.

You deleted your original post so I do y know the details. But affairs have ramifications. If he truly wants to win you back he starts applying to new jobs in other companies away from her. He blew this one. He doesn’t get to keep it if he wants to rebuild with you.

If he doesn’t at minimum do that then it’s time for you to tell him you are moving on without him and contact a lawyer.

Good luck.