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Newest Member: PMSandvig

Wayward Side :
I'm broken and it broke BH

Topic is Sleeping.
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 WTDIEC (original poster new member #80750) posted at 9:57 AM on Monday, January 30th, 2023

Unrelated to my cheating.

I cheated it was selfish, I broke, betrayed and lied to my BH. That's on me.

This post will probably be everywhere please bear with me.

Somehow I know I'm broken. I don't know if it's something that's wrong with me or if I'm just an asshole.

I want help for it. Therapy doesn't seem to help at all and I really want it to help. I'm at the point where I'm beginning to think the only thing that could fix me is medication but I'm scared it will change me completely and BH won't ever want to talk to me.

We discovered I was 10 weeks pregnant 14 weeks after DD, it is BH's I was never physical with anyone else. I emotionally cheated which was probably worse than if it was physical. That's not helping our situation. The hormones and the pregnancy mood swings are making things harder for both of us. Much harder for BH than me.

We have talked and argued a lot and I am starting to realise that everything we talked about before I cheated had been talked about a lot but I never seemed to remember them.

Just today BH was telling me things I thought he had never told me. Yet BH has told me we have talked about it and similar things many times.

I am unsure what to do about it. Why can't I remember? It's has contributed to BH not feeling like he is able to talk to me.

We have 5 other kids but only two in our custody. Long story will answer questions about it.

The more I can't remember something the more it hurts BH. I want to be someone else. Someone who has never been abusive, a liar, a cheat. Someone BH wants to show love to.

I've never felt I deserved love and that is nones fault but my own.

There is something broken and wrong with me at my core. We have a super low income and can't afford private healthcare and the public healthcare is full of 18 month+ wait lists.

What am I supposed to do.

I can't move out or leave. It will just hurt BH more and make him think I'm off getting fucked by someone else.

I can't talk to BH because I don't deserve for him to care about my feelings.

I'm trying my best to be there for him but how can I do that when I'm starting to realise that I don't even know what is real.

I betrayed and hurt BH in the worst way and only time will tell how that will work out.

Will we stay together or separate? I don't know. That's not my decision, I caused the pain BH is going through all I can do is respect his decision and be honest with him.

Please help me? I want to be better.

I'm broken and I broke BH. I broke him years before I cheated

[This message edited by WTDIEC at 9:59 AM, Monday, January 30th]

WW: WTDIEC (early 30's)
BH: RustyPuff (early 30's)
Together: 17 years
Children: 3 Girls 3 Boys
D-Day: June 21 2022
Still learning
Timeline in my story

posts: 40   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2022   ·   location: Australia
id 8775318
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straightup ( member #78778) posted at 11:17 AM on Monday, January 30th, 2023

You have come to a good place.

There are several wise former Waywards who regularly respond here. Listen to them.

What every day things can you do to calm your mind a little? Some you might consider don’t cost much. Walking is very good. So is meditation - mindfulness meditation is easy to learn. Eating and sleeping well and minimizing alcohol. Gardening perhaps.

Once you do this you will be ready for introspection.

[This message edited by straightup at 11:19 AM, Monday, January 30th]

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
Mother Teresa

posts: 359   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8775324
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 WTDIEC (original poster new member #80750) posted at 11:34 AM on Monday, January 30th, 2023

I walk almost everyday. I don't drink alcohol and eat as best as I can on our budget.

I'm no good at gardening. Sleep is choppy at best. With being pregnant and the nightmares it's hard to sleep. It's gotten so bad that I randomly pass out where I'm sitting just to jolt awake every few hours anyway.

Mediation is something I could never get into.

WW: WTDIEC (early 30's)
BH: RustyPuff (early 30's)
Together: 17 years
Children: 3 Girls 3 Boys
D-Day: June 21 2022
Still learning
Timeline in my story

posts: 40   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2022   ·   location: Australia
id 8775328
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EvolvingSoul ( member #29972) posted at 5:43 PM on Monday, January 30th, 2023

Hi there WTDIEC,

I'm no good at gardening.

Mediation is something I could never get into.

So? Start small. You don't have to be good at something to do it. These are both low-stakes opportunities to work with letting go of the outcome. Just showing up and giving them a little attention each day is enough.

Try container gardening. A few pots, a few seeds, some potting soil and you're in business. Try lettuce and radishes. They're both really easy to grow. Try a kitchen herb like oregano or a tea herb like mint or chamomile or a smell nice herb like lavender. Give your plants a little attention each day. I did this after D-day (I too had always been terrible at growing plants) and those plants taught me so much. Start small. Show up every day.

Almost no one is good at meditation when they first try it. It's easy to dismiss something that seems so simple as not possibly being able to do anything. Really? Just focusing on your breathing, paying attention to when you're distracted by your thoughts and redirecting your focus back to your breathing over and over? That's it? That is it. The practice is simple. That "I never could get into..." statement is resistance, and everyone experiences it. Start small (5-10 minutes). Show up every day. I use an app called Headspace which is a subscription deal but you can try it for free and also there are a lot of free meditation resources on youtube.

These activities aren't cure alls for what ails you. You have a lot of work ahead to get to the roots of why you are so bound up in shame. But they are wholesome activities. They will support you in feeling less fractured and more whole. They will help you learn to embrace imperfection. Do them diligently for a season, then assess whether if they are helping you. I think you will be pleased.

Start small. Show up every day. Proceed with conviction and valor.

Me: WS (62)Him: Shards (57)D-day: June 6, 2010Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

We’re going to make it.

posts: 2566   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2010   ·   location: The far shore.
id 8775385
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 WTDIEC (original poster new member #80750) posted at 6:14 PM on Monday, January 30th, 2023

I am willing to garden maybe it's something I could even eventually have BH do with me, he has always shown high interest in gardening. It would have to be a portable potted garden as we rent our house.

I had been doing a mindfulness program but due to court dates I missed a few sessions and was kicked out.

I'm currently also doing my Hospitality Certificate III.

Finding time will be hard between visitation days, court dates, school, kindergarten and daycare yet I am willing to try anything at this point.

[This message edited by WTDIEC at 6:15 PM, Monday, January 30th]

WW: WTDIEC (early 30's)
BH: RustyPuff (early 30's)
Together: 17 years
Children: 3 Girls 3 Boys
D-Day: June 21 2022
Still learning
Timeline in my story

posts: 40   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2022   ·   location: Australia
id 8775396
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EvolvingSoul ( member #29972) posted at 6:54 PM on Monday, January 30th, 2023

It would have to be a portable potted garden as we rent our house.

Don't worry about the future of the garden. I recommend plants that make food. The care and feeding of them will be for you and you can share the literal fruits with your family. Many of them are annuals so they will die after their season anyway.

I had been doing a mindfulness program but due to court dates I missed a few sessions and was kicked out.

A formal program isn't necessary. Just you, showing up for a few minutes every day, is enough. Usually we end up kicking ourselves out by not showing up, regardless of any program. Just show up, 5-10 minutes a day, for 12 weeks.

Me: WS (62)Him: Shards (57)D-day: June 6, 2010Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

We’re going to make it.

posts: 2566   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2010   ·   location: The far shore.
id 8775406
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straightup ( member #78778) posted at 8:49 PM on Monday, January 30th, 2023

Just read your bio, checking whether you were Australian, based on a couple of things you wrote.

The good news is Medicare, bulk billing GP’s (limited time slots) and PBS subsidized medication if you do choose that route. I’m not a doctor but know enough to provide basic information if you want it.

But I am going to mention the obvious thing.

How much gaming do you do, online and otherwise? And as for the sleep, do you stop screen time a while before bed? The lighting is known to affect sleep quality. The excitement might as well.

Your bio is very detailed, so I was wondering whether an element of ADHD (like my wife) or OCD might be involved. But the first thing to do I think is to regulate computer use.

I get it is a hobby and I am of a different generation (gen X), and it is a way of managing life and child-care stress, but you need balance and control in this area.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
Mother Teresa

posts: 359   ·   registered: May. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8775428
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 WTDIEC (original poster new member #80750) posted at 9:36 PM on Monday, January 30th, 2023

@straightup

Yes I'm Australian. I am on a few wait lists for mental health and have an application with NDIS to get an ASD assessment done.

I know which medications are covered on PBS. That's why I have considered that route. I can't go on any until after baby is born though.

My computer use is a lot less now than it was then. I only game by myself or with BH.

I was mostly reading and watching youtube but don't anymore as they have become triggers for BH, this is recent development and I am still having some withdrawl issues from reading.

I still watch tv shows but I have noticed they become a distraction/escape and I can binge for days at a time. Even to the point that it's on but I'm not even watching it, just background noise.

Sleep has always been an issue for me. Either I don't sleep enough or I sleep too much.

Control is an area I am overly obsessive about. It gets so bad that if what little I feel I have control over disappears or changes, I lash out to people and objects around me.

It's always been something I've been aware of. It's this feeling I get and I feel like I'm not even in control of what's happening once it starts.

Even not being in control of an argument can trigger this. That's the main reason I want to get mental health help and medication.

As for the theory of possible ADHD or OCD. My family has a history of Asperger's, ADHD, BPD, Bi-Polar and a few more mental health issues.

It's not a far fetched assumption. I will not say it is for sure a player in anything because I don't have a diagnosis. Apart from therapy, I'm not able to do much right now. I would go on medication today if I was not pregnant. I have asked my OBGYN if I can go on anything and she is looking into it.

WW: WTDIEC (early 30's)
BH: RustyPuff (early 30's)
Together: 17 years
Children: 3 Girls 3 Boys
D-Day: June 21 2022
Still learning
Timeline in my story

posts: 40   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2022   ·   location: Australia
id 8775435
Topic is Sleeping.
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