Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: GotLynched

Reconciliation :
A hollow feeling of sadness and loss

Topic is Sleeping.

 OldBeachOwl (original poster member #81048) posted at 8:06 PM on Sunday, January 8th, 2023

I'm back with the sort of update: Forgiveness, I find has to be renewed every day, it is neither a blanket amnesty for all every transgression, past present or future, neither is it absolut. my wfe has come to accept that it must be daily earned anew, by actions, not words, and that the revelation of deliberately concealed information about her affairs will render forgiveness null and void. That said, forgiveness makes our continuing to live together much less stressful while we deal with my triggered disturbed and distressing moments, which still creep into my consciousness, often in the middle of the night.
I have been thinking a lot recently about her wealthy, privileged, high-income surgeon AP. As anybody who had read my other posts will know, he died young of a presumably treatable but aggressive prostate cancer ( Karma has a perverse sense of humour I feel). So much so, that I dreamed twice recently of meeting him. The first dream was of him appearing out of nowhere in a white monogrammed bathrobe as he barged into our bedroom while my wife and I had just started foreplay, whereupon he proceeded to slide in on the other side of the bed saying " no no no, that's not how you do it, and with no resistance from my wife of 26 ( we were and we looked and were then) he used his dextrous but soft surgeon's hand to digitate her to readiness and mounted her while I remained frozen in inaction. I uses you don't have to be a shrink not understand what that meant.
In the second dream I was invited to see him in the hospice clinic where he passed away and was ushered into a darkened room facing out through open French doors to a central California seascape complete with the sound of crashing waves. He had been an imposing very virile six foot six inches and was now an emaciated, shrunken and debilitated shadow of who he had been. I could barely make out his face but his mouth moved slightly and in an almost inaudible whisper, he begged me to forgive him for the damage he had done and the injury and pain he had caused me. I found myself answering yes I forgive you. Forgiveness had come full circle and yet I feel no better for it.

posts: 56   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2022   ·   location: Tucson
id 8772557

longsadstory1952 ( member #29048) posted at 2:15 AM on Monday, January 9th, 2023

Don’t you think it’s time to talk to someone about this? Maybe get some meds? This isn’t going to go away even if you have forgiven, which at this early stage seems too much like denial of self regard.

posts: 1207   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2010
id 8772577

Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 2:46 PM on Monday, January 9th, 2023

In terms of the timeline of dealing with the aftermath of infidelity, you are still just a baby. There will be wild vacillations in your mood, your thinking, your emotions, between now and a point in time somewhere between 3-5 years from now.

That sort of vivid dreaming about the AP, that's pretty unusual. I don't think you're being honest with yourself about how profoundly you have been impacted by the revelation of the repeated, chronic cheating coupled with the lifetime of paternity fraud and the other elements. I think you've just scratched the surface of how much this is going to impact you.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 4179   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8772624

 OldBeachOwl (original poster member #81048) posted at 1:28 PM on Saturday, February 18th, 2023

A goodbye with much thanks to everyone who has helped me recover and journey to forgiveness and reconciliation. I have been diagnosed with a terminal illness in its later stage further complicated by my advancing age and I have decided to deactivate my account as I put my energy into living as fully and lovingly with my fWW as is possible. You have all at SI been a Godsend when I was at my lowest ebb. Thank you staff and fellow sojourners seeking recovery.

posts: 56   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2022   ·   location: Tucson
id 8778400

toota ( new member #80060) posted at 2:31 PM on Saturday, February 18th, 2023


Just a mere lurker, but I had to login upon hearing this. Your story is one of the few that sears the heart even when one remembers it offline while going on about life. There are no medals and epaulettes for one dealt with such longstanding treachery and systematic removal of agency, but one who stood strong without faltering and succumbing to temptation. It is a life to celebrate and cherish. I still keep hope that you will be back in no time having vanquished one more pesky little thing that life threw at you!

In case we don't hear from you again, I wanted to tell you something a saying in my mother tongue I had heard as a proverb in childhood: "He who protects, nurtures, and nourishes his tribe is their true father. The one who brings them into this world is just an excuse".

You have been a true father to all your kids including the one your (f?)WW never gave you true agency about for her own protection. And yet you protected her from her own demons as well. Congratulations Sir! on a life lived with grace, dignity, and integrity. There is nothing to be ashamed or feel less about. I'm sure the son whose genes you don't share will go on to tell his grandkids that among his life's greatest fortunes was to have you as his father. You're now the stuff of legend and lore... and that's our connection to eternity as humans. To live and smile in other's eyes long after we're physically gone.

I'd like to dedicate another poem from my childhood to you:


-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Tell me not, in mournful numbers,
Life is but an empty dream!
For the soul is dead that slumbers,
And things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest!
And the grave is not its goal;
Dust thou art, to dust returnest,
Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,
Is our destined end or way;
But to act, that each to-morrow
Find us farther than to-day.

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,
And our hearts, though stout and brave,
Still, like muffled drums, are beating
Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world’s broad field of battle,
In the bivouac of Life,
Be not like dumb, driven cattle!
Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no Future, howe’er pleasant!
Let the dead Past bury its dead!
Act,— act in the living Present!
Heart within, and God o’erhead!

Lives of great men all remind us
We can make our lives sublime,
And, departing, leave behind us
Footprints on the sands of time;

Footprints, that perhaps another,
Sailing o’er life’s solemn main,
A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,
Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us, then, be up and doing,
With a heart for any fate;
Still achieving, still pursuing,
Learn to labor and to wait.

[This message edited by toota at 2:33 PM, Saturday, February 18th]

posts: 9   ·   registered: Mar. 10th, 2022
id 8778405

Blackbird25 ( member #82766) posted at 5:30 PM on Saturday, February 18th, 2023

OldBeachOwl -
I am new to this forum and read your story. I continue to be amazed by your forgiving nature. I hope you find peace and happiness with the time you have left. Live it well!

Me: BS Him: WH, Married 1996
DDay#1: 5/2012 (EA 3 mos, PA 1 month
DDay#2: 12/26/22 (EA, 1 wk)
Reconciling and doing well.

posts: 195   ·   registered: Jan. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8778415

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:46 PM on Saturday, February 18th, 2023

I'm so sorry about your diagnosis. I think you're making a good choice is living the life you have left.

My father was given 2-4 months to live. That was 4 years before he died. I think he extended his life by choosing what he did every day.

I wish you the best.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29992   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8778418

ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 6:48 PM on Saturday, February 18th, 2023

So sorry to hear that. Wishing you peace and comfort, and joy in every remaining minute.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 8

posts: 7060   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8778435

anustart ( new member #57448) posted at 10:55 PM on Sunday, February 19th, 2023

Thank you for your wisdom. We will never forget you. Peace and Love to you, Wise one.

posts: 9   ·   registered: Feb. 15th, 2017
id 8778516

Lostwings ( member #79902) posted at 7:47 AM on Sunday, February 26th, 2023

Sorry to hear that . I wish you peace and happiness in this journey . May you always follow the Light!

I thought it was love at the end of the rainbow , but a banshee came and almost destroyed my pot of gold . In R.

posts: 115   ·   registered: Feb. 7th, 2022   ·   location: United States
id 8779444
Topic is Sleeping.
Cookies on®® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20240523a 2002-2024® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy