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Newest Member: 30yearsofheartache

Divorce/Separation :
As I begin the long road to Divorce. Any advice to offer?

Topic is Sleeping.

 Lefonquey1 (original poster new member #79618) posted at 10:23 PM on Sunday, November 27th, 2022

12/11/2022 marks the 18 month anniversary of DDay. We tried to reconcile, paid thousands of dollars in therapy bills, took vacations, read books, and spent time together. At times, it was great and just like it was when we started out together. However, I’m simply not able to forgive her for trying to destroy our family and she has not taken the steps to earn it. My original posts have dropped off this site, but you can read my story in my profile. Trust me, it’s something straight out of a cheap novel and definitely worth the read, if not just for entertainment. Worst of all though, is that it’s 100% true… at least to the best of my ability.

Early this year, I decided to file for divorce and retained an attorney. However, my WW convinced me to give her 6 more months and I agreed under the condition that her mom moves out for a few months and that we get a new pediatrician for our children. After dumping the pediatrician (begrudgingly on her part), her mom left to go spend time with her other daughter in Sweden. A couple weeks after arriving, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer and we rushed her back here to the US to get treatment. Her other daughter, husband, and 3 year old son came, too. We spent thousands of dollars on treatment and plane tickets, but she succumbed to the disease in early August. My wife and kids were heartbroken, and so was I. Not to mention the intense stress caused by having all those extra people in my house. And the 3 year old was a real handful as an only child who didn’t understand English.

I had to give her time to grieve but in the back of my mind, I knew that the only path forward was divorce. Her stalking of the AP and his wife continued after her lies about the A caught up to her with some of our shared friends. (the AP lives less than a mile away and our kids go to school together). It’s almost as though she has started to believe the lies she’s been telling people.

So almost 3 months after she passed, right before Halloween, I told her that I wanted a divorce. She agreed to work on this with me amicably, without huge legal expenses and without getting ugly. The tentative plan is to get through the holidays and get our finances in order with the goal of setting us each up to live independently by the start of the next school year. We agreed not to take any action without the other knowing about it and to work hard to part on good terms, for the sake of our 3 children – 5,6,and 13.

I’m writing this now with a clear head and tremendous sense of relief… like a barbell was lifted off my back. I’m no longer needing to take anti-depressants and alcohol to get through the day and I’ve got the spring back in my step. I really don’t care if I have to move out of my house and start my life over. In fact, I’m pretty excited about it. Anything is better than living with the constant anxiety brought on by this serial cheater and liar.

As I start down this path, I’m going to need some support and advice. Instead of waiting, I figured that I would tell my story now and see if anyone has any tactical suggestions on what to do next. I have a long road ahead of me and zero experience with this. Since many of you have been there already, do you have any advice for me? Is the idea of us collaborating on this a pipe dream? I’ve been in charge of the finances our whole marriage and I fear she’ll changer her tune when she figures out she won’t be able to afford our big house by herself.

posts: 20   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2021
id 8766945

doublerainbow ( member #82239) posted at 10:50 PM on Sunday, November 27th, 2022

Glad to hear you have already lawyered up because that would have been my first piece of advice.

WH originally said he wanted to do D amicably, without a lawyer bc they are just a waste of money, and would give me the house and DD and not ask for anything as he felt so guilty. In reality he had already gotten legal advice, got confirmation from the bank that he couldn’t afford the house on his own, and is still trying to fight for DD. This was all within the first month of supposedly "feeling horrible" for what he’s done.

Your ex lied then, she’s lying now, and shows no remorse. She is very likely already if not yet gathering whatever she can to make her case. Do not believe a word she says that she’s going to try to do this amicably and without drama.

I’m living through this hell limbo right now and completely empathize with what you are going through. I hope you can protect everything you are entitled to and more and wish you strength on this journey. It’s not for the faint of heart!

Me: BS (38) Him: WS (45) D-Day (Jan 2022), going through D. 1 DD age 4. Just want to know there’s light at the end of this mess.

posts: 65   ·   registered: Oct. 26th, 2022   ·   location: West Coast
id 8766949

BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 12:02 AM on Monday, November 28th, 2022

Follow your lawyers directions and keep an eye on finances- while you are still married she can run up debt you will be responsible for. Ask if legal separation makes sense while you prepare to D. Also, make sure you get what you want and is yours legally- don’t short thrift your future for the sake of being nice. Take care of you and your kids.

It’s so true that when you know, you know, and it feels like a huge weight lifting. There will still be hard days and sad days, but your healing will accelerate once you have D’d. Sending good mojo that it all goes well.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5386   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8766962

leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 12:47 AM on Monday, November 28th, 2022

So sorry for the loss of your MIL.

My kids are adults, so I didn't have to deal with custody and parenting arrangements. Have you thought about custody, holiday schedules, exposure to other partners?

Some people have used a mediator for working through division of assets and debts, and parenting plans.

Good luck!

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 2184   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8766966

hurtbs ( member #10866) posted at 2:02 AM on Monday, November 28th, 2022

The best advice I can give when it comes to getting a divorce is to listen to your attorney at all times and to pick your battles wisely. Fighting in a divorce costs money, time, and emotional energy. Really assess whether or not it is worth it. I ultimately left with only 40% of the marital assets because I felt it was better than the fight for the remaining ten. It made the divorce faster and ultimately less expensive. You have children, so prioritize them even if it means swallowing your pride.

[This message edited by hurtbs at 5:02 AM, Monday, November 28th]

Me - 40 something. WXH DDay 2006, Divorced 2012
WBF DDay #1 9/2022 #2 11/2022

posts: 15761   ·   registered: Jun. 1st, 2006   ·   location: So Cal
id 8766973
Topic is Sleeping.
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