How are you doing?
Thanks for reaching out.
Well, I've been particularly stupid, trying not to be too hard on myself as this is my first time dealing with anything like this, but I know better and should be listening to the advice you all have been giving me.
I've remained in contact with her as of my last post comment, with her texting me daily, talking about things we are going to do on the vacation etc. This past Saturday, she randomly asked me to come over. When I got there, she just had a silk robe on, so I knew what it was about. Afterwards, she said "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called you over here just for that" and proceeded to show me pictures of a girl she's "talking to" and read and reply to her hundreds of tinder and snapchat messages from guys while laying next to me. I tried to say hey what the heck but at the same time I had agreed to try dating her while she's also "trying out the dating world" so I wasn't sure if I had any right to complain.
The real kicker is, after that night, she became distant, barely texting at all, and said she was just depressed due to the holidays, then stopped texted at all Monday-Tuesday. I figured it might have been since we had sex too and she was confused. She finally texted me Wednesday and I had her call me. She tells me that the day after we had sex, ex-AP came back, they hung out and had sex and had a really good time so she asked if they were finally dating like she always wanted, and he once again said no, he just wants friends with benefits, so THAT'S why she was so upset. I told her well, 2 weeks ago you told me it was over with AP and it didn't matter what he did or said, that you just wanted to try dating apps for awhile and try to date me too....so what happened? She said " I thought I was over him, I really did, I still don't know what it is about him, my therapist things it's a trauma bond or something".
So I said, "tell me this, if he had said yes and he wanted to be in a relationship, would you have cancelled our vacation and stopped talking to me?" She paused for a bit and said "yes".
So at that point I was like well it's obvious you are no over him at all, and that was my line in the sand last time. She said well he said no so can we just do the vacation please, I really just need to feel like myself for a few days, and you feel like a stranger to me and it's so fucking sad (she started crying). I said I had to go and left it at that.
I know I shouldn't go on the vacation, and she hasn't talked to me since that conversation either, so in all reality she might still cancel if no-so-ex AP suddenly changes his mind.
I am well aware that I'm being a doormat/safety net, so why do I let this happen? I am just so hurt, I miss her so much, I know I am grasping at the temporary relief I get when we talk, when it's just prolonging the pain and healing I need to start doing since it's pretty obvious where this is headed.
I think part of me says "you neglected her and made her feel so alone and hurt for at least a year, maybe you need to just suck it up and try and let her be happy at YOUR expense for once, for a little while at least.
I know that isn't logical, but my brain hasn't been very logical lately.