Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: Stillconfused2022

Just Found Out :
Husband has online affairs while I battle postpartum depression.

default

 SRDagger (original poster new member #82355) posted at 2:00 PM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2022

Since my daughter was born I’ve been battling postpartum depression. My sex drive has been non existent. I thought my husband was being so wonderful so understanding. But that all came crashing down 3 days ago. I came into our bedroom after struggling to put our 3 year old to bed, I kind of just tagged my husband in to help. He goes to our son as come into our bedroom, his phone is on our bed alone with his bathrobe, which I found strange, something compelled me to look in his phone. There I found several explicit conversations, with pictures and videos, going back months. This was all done on this app discord, that hosts servers that allow their members to be completely anonymous. I honestly cannot consider divorce, it’s not something I want, but I also don’t know how I can ever trust him. It’s not like he confessed, he was caught. He wants to do counseling, he swears he doesn’t want to leave me, that he loves me and is very attracted to me but my "rejection" of him for so long made him feel depressed and to loose his confidence, that’s why he went looking for it somewhere else. The absolute infuriating thing is if he said the things he did to those pieces of shit to me, we probably wouldn’t have had a sex problem. I just want to punish him, punish the women that he did it with.

SR Dagger

posts: 13   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2022   ·   location: North Carolina
id 8764292
default

ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 2:48 PM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2022

He wants to do counseling, he swears he doesn’t want to leave me, that he loves me and is very attracted to me but my "rejection" of him for so long made him feel depressed and to loose his confidence, that’s why he went looking for it somewhere else.

Blame-shifting is how you know that the WS isn't really sorry. Cheaters typically need to rationalize why it's okay to betray their partners. They have to fix it in their own minds so that it's their spouse's fault and not their own. That way, they can continue believing that they're simply splendid people and not creepy sneaks. I doubt very much that your WH was made to "feel depressed and to lose his confidence". Instead, he was probably pissy that he wasn't the center of your attention and that his sexual entertainment wasn't your priority. The proof in the pudding is that, yeah, he'd have probably had a lot more sex if he had put that effort into you rather than strangers on the internet. You see how the blame-shift is exposed, right. It's in the payoff.

It's an old Dr. Philism, but no less true for the folksy delivery, "what's the payoff?" It's the payoff which drives the behavior, and your WH is trying to convince you that his behavior was predicated on yours. IOW, YOU control his integrity, his morality, his actions. You must be a goddess, right? An all powerful being who bends him to her will with a snap of her fingers. blink Or... he's blaming you for behavior that HE CHOSE based on what he gets out of it.

Cheaters rarely cheat for the extra sex. If it's about an orgasm, they can do that for themselves with practically no time or resources put into it. It's about the experience. It's about the way a new conquest makes them feel. It's about the validation they get from proving to themselves that they've still "got it". The cheater would have us believe that we somehow MAKE them throw away their values and do something completely out of character because we've driven them to unaccountable levels of desperation. They'd have us believe that the relationship is the problem, that WE are the problem, but that's just not the truth. The truth is that cheating happens in otherwise good marriages where there's lots of sex, and the truth is that we are NOT gods who can control another person's behavior.

To cross a boundary that we care about, we have to make a choice. It doesn't just happen. People protect what they value, and if a person VALUES honesty, fidelity, integrity, they have boundaries around those things which they won't cross. So, this is a guy who demonstrably LACKS those boundaries, who is attempting to convince you that you are the arbiter of HIS morality and that his good behavior is predicated upon yours. You see how he's abdicated responsibility for himself and made YOU the parent, right?

The payoff for the behavior is the feel-good dopamine cocktail he gets when his phone pings. Sure, he likes your kibbles. If you were following him around like a groupie and you were throwing your panties at him like it was 1970 and he was Tom Jones, yeah.. he'd get a big kick out of that. But your kibbles are known kibbles. They're not CONQUEST kibbles. The payoff is NOT the same. The drive to attract strange is about conquest. Validation of one's attractiveness and sexual prowess is the payoff.

The guy is bullshitting you. Maybe he's sincere about it because he's not self-actualized enough to know what his real motivations are, but it's bullshit nonetheless. Worse, this kind of behavior tends to escalate when it's allowed to fester. It has to be remediated, otherwise, it's quite likely to repeat and worsen. I'm going to reprint an old post for you rather than type it all up again, but the bottom line is that this is NOT your fault. Your WH has a problem that he needs to fix. You can't fix it for him. You're not actually a god.


My own WH went on a Craigslist binge seven years ago, multiple partners, various degrees of emotional attachment. He even thought he was in love at one point. But ten years before that, I'd caught him out in some online shenanigans, porn, cybersexing, emotional affair, etc. In fact, I caught him out only two weeks before a planned meet-up. I'd already seen an attorney before I confronted him and I was bent on divorce, but he pretty much cried his way out of it and I settled on MC. As you might have guessed already, we too were bamboozled with the "unmet needs" model of therapy, which sounds so reasonable. I upped my wife game, and did my best pick-me polka, but within a couple of years, he was right back at it behind my back. By the time we reached the ten year mark, he had screwed up his nerve to go live and in person on Craigslist.

Of course, I was pretty shocked as you might imagine. I thought we were good. I thought his "needs" were met. Damned if I hadn't been turning myself inside out for a decade to make sure, right? The more I thought about it, the more I revisited what I knew about the "unmet needs model", the less it made sense. I was doing everything right and he still CHOSE to cheat.

Here's the fly in the "unmet needs" ointment...

Healthy ADULTS don't need to be validated. They validate internally. Healthy adults are self-fruitful in the matter of contentment and life satisfaction, and when things come up which make them unhappy, they address the cause and solve the problem. OTOH, the vast majority of cheaters cheat because they're seeking external validation. They are NOT emotionally healthy. They can't do it on their own. They've got a hole inside them and no amount of external validation will fill it. Certainly, the old and familiar validation of a spouse doesn't get the job done. Our "kibbles" are stale and boring. They don't create enough adrenaline anymore to make the cheater feel special. It's like getting an "atta boy" from your mom, right?

This is old pop-psy which is still being taught in schools and still selling books. But it's bullshit. NOTHING you can do (or fail to do) can MAKE another person throw away their core values and do something that's in this kind of opposition to good character. If you're a person who BELIEVES in fidelity, who VALUES fidelity, you don't cheat. End of story. Because when we truly value something we protect it. The cheater has a "but..." in his values system. ie. "I believe in fidelity, but... not if my needs aren't being met." For people like you and me, we have a "so..." in our values system. ie. "I believe in fidelity, so... I don't put myself in risky situations with the opposite sex." This is the BOUNDARY we create organically. We don't sit around planning it out. It just happens, because it's innate to our character to protect what we value. The cheater doesn't have those boundaries because he doesn't really honor his values. He only claims to.

I'm not saying that your marriage is over or that your WH can't change. What I am saying though is that this "unmet needs" model is NOT going to challenge him to clean up his flawed character. In fact, it allows him to offload responsibility onto the marriage and onto YOU. It's not your job to MAKE him feel (fill-in-the-blank-here). It never was. It's his job to manage his feelings. You could have been doing everything exactly perfect for the entire length of your marriage, and he would still have cheated... because there's NOTHING in his character stopping him and he has no coping mechanism to fall back on when he feels unvalidated, inadequate, unappreciated, etc.

It's HIS job to see that his "needs" get met. Sometimes that might mean negotiating with you, say if it's about sex or about the division of labor in your home, etc. But sometimes, it might mean that what he sees as a "need" is unhealthy in an adult, like external validation through attention and flattery.

MC's are there to treat the marriage. The marriage is the client. So, of course they're going to talk about communications, resentments and expectations. The MC doesn't want to alienate anyone, so s/he's looking to find balance on both sides. But marriages don't cheat. People do. The only way your WH is going to make a change that safeguards against further perfidy is by correcting his need for external validation and becoming an emotionally healthy adult whose deeds are as good as his word. No excuses, just honoring the things he claims to value. For that, I would recommend IC (individual counseling) with a therapist who is well-versed in adultery.

The last thing any newly-minted BS needs is to walk into an MC's office, believing that they've come to safe harbor, and being handed a copy of The Five Love Languages or some other "unmet needs" gobbledygook. It would be really nice if we actually did have the power to control our mate by giving them "acts of service" or "words of affirmation", but sadly, we aren't gods who can stop a cheater from seeking out his/her choice of adrenaline rush and new kibbles. Although, this kind of pop-psy suggests that their behavior is somehow our responsibility. The more you dig into this ridiculous line of thought, the more absurd it becomes.

Anyway... sorry for the lengthy post. Nothing fries my ass more than seeing new BS's being sold this bill of goods.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 6167   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8764297
default

 SRDagger (original poster new member #82355) posted at 3:58 PM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2022

He did start therapy on his own about a month ago, so he working on himself, even allowed me to come to his appointment this week. He hasn’t blamed me, just provided his feelings. He is adamant that it’s not anything I did or didn’t do and acknowledges that he did it for the high, the rush of something new. He has admitted that a lot of his actions are due to not probably dealing with childhood trauma, not an excuse but that his reason. He claims that’s why he started therapy, he knew that how he was dealing with hard times wasn’t healthy. My husband is a lot of things but malicious isn’t one of them. I knew all of this about him, that when he felt down about himself he’d look for external validation, I just thought we were past him hiding these low feelings from me. He is martyr around the house, feeling he doesn’t deserve to have a night out with friends.

SR Dagger

posts: 13   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2022   ·   location: North Carolina
id 8764300
default

fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 4:22 PM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2022

Sorry you find yourself here. Sending strength. Just note that his feeling a martyr around the house, is his way of making himself a victim. He is making his infidelity all about him. It is good he is in counseling. But right now he is not remorseful. Remorse is when he is focused on the hurt he caused you, and is empathetic for your pain, instead of wallowing in his own self pity. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3353   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8764309
default

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:37 PM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2022

He did start therapy on his own about a month ago, so he working on himself, even allowed me to come to his appointment this week. He hasn’t blamed me, just provided his feelings. He is adamant that it’s not anything I did or didn’t do and acknowledges that he did it for the high, the rush of something new. He has admitted that a lot of his actions are due to not probably dealing with childhood trauma, not an excuse but that his reason. He claims that’s why he started therapy, he knew that how he was dealing with hard times wasn’t healthy. My husband is a lot of things but malicious isn’t one of them. I knew all of this about him, that when he felt down about himself he’d look for external validation, I just thought we were past him hiding these low feelings from me. He is martyr around the house, feeling he doesn’t deserve to have a night out with friends.

Well, that looks like taking responsibility, getting honest, and working to change from cheater to good partner - all the signs of a good candidate for R.

How are you treating your PPD? If you're in IC, I assume you have brought this up. How is that going?

I don't mean to minimize your pain, if that's how your read my post. Your H did terrible things, repeatedly. I do think, however, that WSes have the capacity to change and that your WS is showing he has that capacity, if he follows through. If he weren't taking these steps or if you didn;t want him any more, I would be posting urging you to at least consider D.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:41 PM, Wednesday, November 9th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27869   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8764323
default

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 6:02 PM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2022

my "rejection" of him for so long made him feel depressed and to loose his confidence, that’s why he went looking for it somewhere else

He's absolutely blaming you.

posts: 4848   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8764329
default

VezfromTaz ( member #80815) posted at 6:10 PM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2022

What sort of person is your husband otherwise, separate to his recent problematic behaviour. If I'd actually accepted early on in my marriage that my ex is fundamentally a selfish person whose needs must be catered for, I would have run for the hills. No one could possibly have seen this in him except me, but I was blind to what was right in front of me.

Being a suoerficially nice person, a martyr, but underneath a sneak who says whatever needs to be said to make the target shift focus away from the bad behavior, those are all big red flags. As is creating so much chaos that you dont know if you're Arthur or Martha (this includes by omission not providing emotional or practical support).

I understand why you can't just up and leave but put a boundary in place to stop the manipulation (which includes acting like a martyr) now. Your husband needs to grow up and man up otherwise you are in for a rough ride.

All the best to you and your beautiful children.

posts: 64   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2022
id 8764330
default

justanotherperson ( new member #82218) posted at 7:51 PM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2022

...he swears he doesn’t want to leave me, that he loves me and is very attracted to me but my "rejection" of him for so long made him feel depressed and to loose his confidence, that’s why he went looking for it somewhere else.

And then

He hasn’t blamed me, just provided his feelings. He is adamant that it’s not anything I did or didn’t do and acknowledges that he did it for the high, the rush of something new.

So what is the truth here? Contradictions on both ideas.

He has admitted that a lot of his actions are due to not probably dealing with childhood trauma, not an excuse but that his reason.

Typical line on the universal cheaters handbook. Cheaters LIE. And they LIE A LOT.

My husband is a lot of things but malicious isn’t one of them.

Cheating on you is behaving in a malicious way. He is betraying your trust, your confidence and your relationship doing so. And even your health, if it reached the PA phase.

...if he said the things he did to those pieces of shit to me, we probably wouldn’t have had a sex problem. I just want to punish him, punish the women that he did it with.

It seems you are giving him a green light after what he did by almost thinking that if he does what he did to them with you all will be ok.

Also, it seems you are putting the blame on the OW(s). You can't be sure what your WH said to them. For all that you know he could well have presented himself to them as a sweet single man. The atention should always be put (at least inicially) on your WH. He was the one who willingly decide to betray you. He is the one who should respect his vows to you, and not the OW(s).

You are rushing to soon to R - not even considering other options. The simpe fact that you say you don't even want to consider other options may be a bullet in your foot for the future.

Read and re read what ChamomileTea and others posted around here. Words of wisdow. Believe them.

Take your time. DO NOT rush into something you don't even know what it is, since you still did not understand what just happened in your life. Take a step back and analise.

Also, be ready for love bombing (loads of opportunities for sex and loads of sweet small actions and words from him) - another one FULLY out of the same handbook. Be mindfull of these actions. They ARE REALLY TYPICAL.

Implement the steps everyone always says to do so:

NC.

Written timeline of the events.

No sex/intimacy until you are positive of what you want to do going forward.

Full electronic transparency.

Look for the ACTIONS and not the words.

All the best to you.

[This message edited by justanotherperson at 8:08 PM, Wednesday, November 9th]

"It can't rain all the time."

posts: 50   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2022   ·   location: O´Porto
id 8764337
default

 SRDagger (original poster new member #82355) posted at 8:07 PM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2022

I am medicated for my PPD, I am also bipolar and ADHD so I’ve seen a psychiatrist since I was 14. We’re only a few days in but he seems receptive to my conditions. He isn’t allowed to have his phone while alone. I have free domain over his phone, in fact I have it with me most of the time. He has to continue his private therapy as well as attend couples therapy. He has to be honest with how he’s feeling and answer me whenever I ask about something. He has lost the right to privacy at this point.

I know how I phrased it in my original post that he’s blaming me, but is adamant that it’s not my fault and that he should’ve handled his depression differently.

I am just having an impossible time believing him when he says he’s attracted to me, that he loves me. I can’t wrap my head around being able to be so disrespectful to someone you claim to love, like I had to do something to deserve it. But

SR Dagger

posts: 13   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2022   ·   location: North Carolina
id 8764339
default

 SRDagger (original poster new member #82355) posted at 8:16 PM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2022

Thank you everyone for the advice. I am not up on all the terms yet, so forgive me if I don’t fully understand. In my case my H specifically joined a group for married people looking for online affairs. I read all the convos, he mentions me in the convos, mentions our children. So all parties were fully aware. They were both cheating. I have told him that I cannot believe any of the "I love yous" right now, maybe never. He says he understands and that he’ll have to show me over and over.

Divorce is not a part of my world, at all. I do not want it, at all. I am fully prepared to live in a loveless sexless marriage forever, but divorce is not something I’ll will consider. And I’ve told my husband that. I know it’s too new to say one way or the other if we’ll ever be full spouses again, but divorce isn’t something I will initiate. I have no desire to be a single parent, to struggle even more financially. Having other women around my children is a non starter.

SR Dagger

posts: 13   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2022   ·   location: North Carolina
id 8764341
default

justanotherperson ( new member #82218) posted at 8:20 PM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2022

am just having an impossible time believing him when he says he’s attracted to me, that he loves me. I can’t wrap my head around being able to be so disrespectful to someone you claim to love, like I had to do something to deserve it.

It could well be your WH already has traces of compartimentalization in him, egoism and a selfih aspect that made him act like that. He can never justifynhis behaviour bybsayubg that the sex life was not so good. He had a million diferent ways to talk to you and so you both could figure out things from other perspectives. You even say that if he talked to you with a diferent mind fram maybe things would have been better in that department.

Holding him accountable for is actions IS paramount. Having access to his devices also. But you can't have his phone forever.

Implement what was said above. All the steps. That way you will have way more information to analise along with the way you see your WH actions evolving.

You might be in the right way. It could have been something "minor". But if it happened one SHOULD be suspicious. And as you say:

I can’t wrap my head around being able to be so disrespectful to someone you claim to love, like I had to do something to deserve it.

You do have all the right to think that way. He did betray your trust. Fundamentally.

You will be ok. Just don't rush things out.

[This message edited by justanotherperson at 8:35 PM, Wednesday, November 9th]

"It can't rain all the time."

posts: 50   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2022   ·   location: O´Porto
id 8764342
default

 SRDagger (original poster new member #82355) posted at 8:22 PM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2022

Just another person, I don’t know how to tag or quote your message yet, but if all people are like you on this platform, I am going to leave. I don’t need to be abused, demeaned, or belittled on a platform that is meant to support me.

SR Dagger

posts: 13   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2022   ·   location: North Carolina
id 8764343
default

LegsWideShut ( member #80302) posted at 8:22 PM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2022

He wants to do counseling, he swears he doesn’t want to leave me, that he loves me and is very attracted to me but my "rejection" of him for so long made him feel depressed and to loose his confidence"
As a man myself, the "rejection" and loss of "confidence" is pure hogwash. I went through PPD with my exWW, before I knew she was a WW, and at no point did I ever feel that way. Blame shifting and excuses is all that is.
But now that I think of it my exww PPD libido may actually have been because she was seeing another guy. 28 years later and I had an epiphany.
Your husband sounds more like a little boy who needs to grow right the hell up, but in the end won't have to. And it appears you are going to allow him to use you as a doormat, and if he doesnt fully know it yet, he'll know it soon enough.
I wish you well.

posts: 83   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2022   ·   location: New England
id 8764344
default

justanotherperson ( new member #82218) posted at 8:30 PM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2022

In my case my H specifically joined a group for married people looking for online affairs. I read all the convos, he mentions me in the convos, mentions our children. So all parties were fully aware.

You should take a closer look at Sigyn post. Her husband had similar behaviours to your husband. In my opinion being up front about the marriage like that while consciously cheating is not a good sign.

To be clear. I never meant to be hurtful or that my words were taken badly by you. I tried to help.

I'm sorry if my help might have sounded harsh or contrary to what you expected. Nothing that I said was meant to criticize. We are here free of charge trying to help the best we can going on the experience we already have on infidelity.

I'm not going to coment on you being willing to stay in the marriage no matter what. To each his own is all I will say.

As people around here say: Take what suits you and leave the rest.

I do really hope you end up ok.

[This message edited by justanotherperson at 8:32 PM, Wednesday, November 9th]

"It can't rain all the time."

posts: 50   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2022   ·   location: O´Porto
id 8764345
default

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 8:52 PM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2022

As long as he knows divorce will never happen, he has no incentive for true change. He knows he can go along,to get along,and eventually go back to what he was doing.

He's a serial cheater. He had multiple affair partners. What consequences does he have? Your pain and anger are not consequences. It's good that you have access to his phone,but rarely do these things just stop because the wife finds out. Start looking for a burner phone.

Since he says he did this because you weren't having sex, he was looking for sexual gratification. He can't get that through a screen. It's extremely possible that you found out about only one part of his cheating. It's extremely probable he was meeting women in person. A polygraph would be a good idea.

A freshly caught WS never tells the entire truth on dday.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:53 PM, Wednesday, November 9th]

posts: 4848   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8764348
default

 SRDagger (original poster new member #82355) posted at 9:05 PM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2022

We both work from home for the same company. He has zero opportunity to have in person meetups. We share all finances, I literally know if buys a soda at a gas station, so no burner phone, even if he could buy one without me knowing he would have no opportunity to use it.

Divorce would punish me more than it would ever punish him. Single dads do just fine, divorced single moms live a miserable life, rarely ever getting married again. I don’t want that. Punishing myself just to punish him is fucking ridiculous.

SR Dagger

posts: 13   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2022   ·   location: North Carolina
id 8764350
default

 SRDagger (original poster new member #82355) posted at 9:06 PM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2022

Is there a key somewhere for all these terms? WS? BS? R D?

SR Dagger

posts: 13   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2022   ·   location: North Carolina
id 8764351
default

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:38 PM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2022

single moms live a miserable life, rarely ever getting married again.

We have many,many divorced single moms here,who post in the New Beginnings forum who would strongly disagree with this.

If you want true reconciliation, that's only possible if your ws does the work necessary to become a safe partner. Otherwise, it's rugsweeping, which almost always means more ddays,and a miserable BS.

You need to make requirements for you to consider attempting reconciliation, and have firm boundaries.

At minimum he should..
Fully transparent, you get full access to all accounts, all passwords.

Std testing

He answers all of your questions without anger or blame.

IC.

He is proactive in healing he damage he has caused you,the marriage,and himself.

No MC. Not yet. The marriage didn't cheat. He did. He has a lot of issues to work on first.

He needs to Fully get what he has done. That will take time. Neither of you know how far reaching this is. You're still in shock.

The only things you need to do is watch his actions, and take care of yourself.

Again..as long as he knows you would rather be with an unremorseful cheating spouse, instead of divorced, a serial cheater has no incentive to change. He knows he can have his cake, and eat it too.

WS..wayward(cheating) spouse

BS..betrayed spouse

R..reconciliation

D..divorce

Do not share this site with him.

posts: 4848   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8764356
default

justanotherperson ( new member #82218) posted at 9:40 PM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2022

WS - Wayward spouse

BS - Betrayed spouse

R - Reconciliation

D - Divorce

[This message edited by justanotherperson at 9:42 PM, Wednesday, November 9th]

"It can't rain all the time."

posts: 50   ·   registered: Oct. 23rd, 2022   ·   location: O´Porto
id 8764357
default

TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 9:51 PM on Wednesday, November 9th, 2022

BS = Betrayed Spouse
WS = Wayward Spouse (cheater)
R = Reconcilliation
D = Divorce

I'm sorry you're here SR. It's a painful, awful thing to go through.

Please practice some radical self care. Take care of you, find something pleasurable to do for yourself every day. If you want a full marriage, you have to be healed and strong to participate in it.

My only word of caution to you is this: My WS told me that I should have kicked him out on Dday. Why? Because he said when I didn't, he knew I would not leave. Therefore, he said what he had to say to placate me but he continued on in his affair. It wasn't until I kicked him out that shit got real for him. He freely admits that my weakness was his advantage and he used it.

I am not saying kick your husband out. I'm not even saying that your husband is going through the motions right now. But if he knows that no matter what he does, you will stay then he has zero reason to change.

There is a way to heal from this and grow a good marriage that serves you. But I don't think it can happen with this imbalance i.e. you wills stay no matter what and he will be forgiven no matter what.

Figure out what YOU need to be happy in this marriage, not just surviving it. Then pursue that with super clear boundaries, expectation and CONSEQUENCES if he cannot deliver.

Please take care of yourself.

posts: 279   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8764360
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20221122 2002-2022 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy