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Wayward Side :
Any advice, has anyone experien

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 Wayward75 (original poster new member #82221) posted at 6:49 AM on Monday, October 24th, 2022

I finally got the chance to tell her parents that I crushed there daughters heart. It was tough to tell them. They didn't want any details but I still left them some insight as to what happened. The BS called and told them not to trust me. I've been nothing but transparent and an open book no secrets. We have been separated a week we met for dinner and it turned bad. She was angry from the door and I set her off with a massive trigger. I felt horrible and tried to apologize and nothing worked she took off from dinner driving crazy so I had to make sure that she was ok. Got to the house and sparing details got really crazy. Dinner was on Friday and she doesn't want to see me anymore for awhile. Phone only or email. Not sure what to think she said she is leaning more towards divorce after Friday dinner. We are 2months in 1week separated. Super angry tonight. She didn't say anything hardly while I told her parents.

Wayward75

posts: 5   ·   registered: Oct. 24th, 2022   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8761853
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 5:02 PM on Monday, October 24th, 2022

Sorry you're here WW75.

Sounds like this is all very raw for you both. The next few YEARS are going to be rocky for you guys. Typically it takes about 2 years for the BS to recover from the A, let alone even seriously consider salvaging the M (if you go the reconciliation route). Some spouses know right away it's a deal breaker and go straight to D. Others need space and time to come to a rational decision on whether to consider reconciliation (and usually separate).

Some good things you're doing so far- telling her parents and taking ownership. Being open and honest about what transpired in your A is also a good step. We have what's called Trickle Truth (TT) on the site here. The initial disclosure of the A is bad enough- but TT'ing is the final insult heaped upon the BS as they're trying to survive their completely upside down life. TT often is what kills the M in the end.

So, some tips we usually fire off at a newbie:
-Open book: all passwords to all accounts, financial, social media, email, etc.
-Written timeline of A- first time met, first time going out alone, first time physical, all the times physical, what acts done, where, etc.
-Read, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair" and "Not Just Friends" They help you become a safer partner and help you navigate your BS's experience and avoid/help process triggers when they arise.
-IC. IC. IC. Find a counselor in your area and GO. Weekly at a min! This didn't come out of a vacuum. There's something inside us WS's that allowed us to have an A in the first place. We need a guide to help us find it and fix it.

Your BW is riding a roller coaster right now. Everything she thought was certain in her life has been ripped from her. The very person who should be her rock was the person who wielded the knife now sticking out of her back. Her emotions are going to be all over the place for a very long time. It's best if you are gentle with her, patient, and taking responsibility for your own choices.

Don't do what I have done (TT, minimize, blame).

Best of luck.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Back at it again- bantering w the younger woman. Lied about blocking phone calls and deleted texts. Carried on with her. Financial infidelity again- who says you only cheat with lovers?

posts: 894   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8761901
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 Wayward75 (original poster new member #82221) posted at 6:09 PM on Monday, October 24th, 2022

I appreciate the advice and am trying to help my BS to move forward from my one night stand. I told her about the ONS and I didn't wanna live that way with lies. I have nothing else to tell. I was in a drunken, broken down, depressed state and went to the local bar to talk and laugh. Instead I had a skank come over and break me down and told me all the things I wanted to hear. Now look at me,. Now I'm really f...ed up. Losing the love of my life due to me crushing her spirit. She is always up and down one minute D and the other maybe I can forgive you her emotions are all over most people her close family suggested get a lawyer start the process. She hasn't as far as I know. She keeps telling me she's trying to but can't see it happening the reconciliation and D is what we are left with. I'm a mess emotionally lost 30 pounds and I can't stop my nerves. We are doing a no see separation maybe it will help her she seems to think so. I think separation is the first step to divorce. Does anyone have any stories of forgiveness after a one night stand. I tell her one thing is for certain time helps heal and she will get better. Is there anymore advice from anyone which would be helpful.

Wayward75

posts: 5   ·   registered: Oct. 24th, 2022   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8761912
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EvolvingSoul ( member #29972) posted at 4:06 AM on Tuesday, October 25th, 2022

Hi Wayward75,

Welcome to SI. You said

I appreciate the advice and am trying to help my BS to move forward from my one night stand. I told her about the ONS and I didn't wanna live that way with lies. I have nothing else to tell. I was in a drunken, broken down, depressed state and went to the local bar to talk and laugh. Instead I had a skank come over and break me down and told me all the things I wanted to hear. Now look at me,. Now I'm really f...ed up.

Something I'm wondering is whether you confessed to her of your own volition or if you got caught in some kind of lie and then told her the truth after all. That is an important detail. Would you mind giving some more information about that?

Regardless, your BS is not the one who needs to move forward. It's you. YOU need to move forward with understanding WHY you were able to choose betraying her in order to have the feelings you wanted (or stave off the feelings you didn't want) in the moment. Your statement above puts the blame on AP. Skank? A skank "broke you down"? Is all it takes "telling you what you want to hear"? You aren't fucked up now. YOU WERE ALREADY FUCKED UP because, given the circumstance of having crummy feelings (broken down, depressed), you chose cheating as a way to deal with those feelings instead of protecting your wife and your family and your own integrity. What is different about you right now that didn't apply then? You have demonstrated that you are not a safe person to be in relationship with, but you're already trying to figure out how to get your wife to "move forward"? You're not safe, brother.

She needs time to process. Don't push her. Give her the space she has asked for and use the time on your own to start figuring your shit out. MIganders advice on the basics is solid: strive for transparency, accountability, self-education about the true nature of infidelity, and IC.

I'm not going to sugarcoat it. Healing from infidelity is a rough ride and it takes YEARS. Not weeks, not months, but years. During that time you will need to dig deep to figure out how and why you were able to do this and take concrete action to change that broken thinking. Understanding the problem is not the same thing as fixing it. Right now, you're focused on fixing her and the marriage. Nah nah, brother. Focus on fixing you.

The work, if you can do it, is 1000% worth it.

Proceed with conviction and valor.

Strength to you from this EvolvingSoul.

Me: WS (61)
Him: Shards (56)
D-day: June 6, 2010
Last voluntary AP contact: June 23, 2010
NC Letter sent: 3/9/11

We’re going to make it.

posts: 2545   ·   registered: Oct. 29th, 2010   ·   location: The far shore.
id 8761991
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Darkness Falls ( member #27879) posted at 4:18 AM on Tuesday, October 25th, 2022

I had a skank come over and break me down

This description stands out to me as extremely blameshift-y.

I’m not a woman who automatically gets butthurt when a man calls a woman a pejorative like "skank", but in this case it begs the question: if your OW was a skank, then how would you describe yourself? I mean, definitely she was in the wrong for having sex with a married man—but you were the married man having sex with her, so….

As for she "broke you down": this doesn’t sound like taking responsibility for your own decisions. We all have the ability to either reciprocate another person’s inappropriate attention or to shut it down.

I apologize if I’m coming across as harsh. These are just some things to be aware of and to think about how they sound, and whether or not they are in line with accepting ownership of the choices you made.

On a positive note, I admire you for confessing. I didn’t and wouldn’t have had the courage to do that in my own situation.

WS - remarried to BH but not in R

D-day 2010

posts: 6412   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2010   ·   location: USA
id 8761993
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Bulcy ( member #74034) posted at 8:40 AM on Tuesday, October 25th, 2022

W75,

Take a deep breath. You need to fully own what you've done, this includes taking responsibility. As people have mentioned, that way you have written you OP is blame shifting. No matter what she (AP) said or did, you chose to cheat.

Your BS is going to be angry, she will be angry for a long time. You need to accept this if you're going to move forwards. As for your anger, this is quite normal. Is it acceptable? No, not really. You need to deal with yourself and work through blame and anger with a counsellor with infidelity experience. Some days your BS will want to talk, others she will not want anything to do with you. Hey this can happen multiple times a day. Again accept this.

Read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair - Linda MacDonald as recommended. Keep reading and posting on here. An important thing t remember is that posters on this site are trying to help. Their comments are not meant as an attack. We've been where you are and some of the regular posters have managed to heal themselves and their marriage.

WH (40's) Me. Emotional affair (2017), Physical affair (2003) and online affairs, Two physical affairs (2000). D-Day's 2003, August '17, multiple discoveries through 2018,19 and 20, Jan 21 and 2022

posts: 245   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8762004
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 Wayward75 (original poster new member #82221) posted at 1:08 PM on Tuesday, October 25th, 2022

I'm responding to everyone. There was no lie involved with my confession. I love my wife with every sense of my being. My wife is beautiful in every sense of the word she didn't deserve this. The remorse I felt immediately when starting the act was overwhelming. I stated what the f..k am I doing and left immediately. It took me a month to build the courage to tell her. I told myself that she gets to make the choice not me for what I did to move forward. I am trying to move forward in a positive manner for both of us. I have an IC and it has helped tremendously. I have thrown my self in front of everyone and I'm an open book for help. Every person is different my box is empty now. All my pent up hurt and anger is out. I'm never going back to that again. I'm not holding anything back ever again life is to short to Carrie around such a heavy load. Through good health communication I can accomplish this. I have a pretty bad back story starting from me being a child. My BS is aware of everything. BS and I married young I have no regrets about this we built a good life from nothing but love for each other married 27 years. I'm now in my late 40's I compartmentalized everything my whole life. About two years ago some things happened and I was made aware that I wasn't super dad or husband. I was told this in the past a few times but didn't believe it and did even more causing myself more stress. My job is very very stressful if that wasn't enough. I grew up learning how to be a father by watching everyone else and TV and all the things I missed out on. I went above and beyond for my family just to learn that's not what they wanted. Two years ago my oldest child left this be known to me. This crushed me starting my depression. I thought I was making improvements on relationships with everyone. Not the case Go back 6 months ago I had a bad car wreck and almost died. When I survived this I had an apifany. I started thinking of all the things I have messed up in my life. I wanted to be me not the person I was before. The accident. Some how I grew into someone I didn't recognize and didn't like. I put a lot of energy into me being who I really was. I had more patience, love and understanding. Little stuff didn't bother me anymore. I was very happy with my efforts but the damage was already done and the change went unnoticed. Communication got worse. This really hit hard. I started drinking a lot and gained almost 30 pounds. I started ordering lots of stuff offline anything I could do to take my mind off my hurt and depression. BS and I have talked a lot about the things we could have done better at to take care of our marriage. Communication being a big thing. I just hope someday we both can get our selves back on track individually. So just maybe there can be us again. I'm doing very well according to my IC which is encouraging to me. Breaking down the walls and it feels a lot better. The word skank not blame shifting. The word AP minimizes the person I was dealing with. I would describe myself right now as a unselfish person with a straight path to follow for recovery. I never wanna and ain't gonna go back to that person before that night and on that night. I'm going back to the man she married and I like. I feel like the pressure on my brain and the weight on my chest have eased up since I'm an open book. Now I'm writing a new page everyday being more positive. I believe you are correct in your statement staving off. I was at the bar in the first place to avoid my feelings depression and hurt. The choices I made that night show this. I obviously wasn't thinking right. I have a wife who loves me and I was to bullheaded to ask for professional help. I've learned a lot from my research on line and from my IC. I have read the book on how to help your spouse heal very good book. I've taken a lot in lately on my issues to help me. Hopefully my wife is getting the help she needs. Once we become stable maybe we can help each other. We know each other better than anyone. One things for sure time helps heal. I'm applying myself 110 percent. I was hoping this forum would have more access to the members. Where is my back story at? A lot of answers to questions members have is in there. Thanks for the help probably gonna be my last message. I have so many positive resources at my finger tips. This forum is great but there's 90 percent bitter people expressing anger which is great. Everybody needs an outlet. I am a positive person and the article s are few and between being positive. Thank you I'll check in from time to time.

Wayward75

posts: 5   ·   registered: Oct. 24th, 2022   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8762013
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 Wayward75 (original poster new member #82221) posted at 6:09 PM on Tuesday, October 25th, 2022

Wanna add a few things for those who are giving 110 percent at being committed to there mental health and there spouse check out 'SURVIVOR BLOG" Affair Recovery It's a lot of very good videos very informative and very positive. The videos are broken down and simple. If your serious about your recovery and your marriage check them out.

Wayward75

posts: 5   ·   registered: Oct. 24th, 2022   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8762066
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 Wayward75 (original poster new member #82221) posted at 7:20 PM on Tuesday, October 25th, 2022

Wanna add a few things for those who are giving 110 percent at being committed to there mental health and there spouse check out 'SURVIVOR BLOG" Affair Recovery It's a lot of very good videos very informative and very positive. The videos are broken down and simple. If your serious about your recovery and your marriage check them out.

Wayward75

posts: 5   ·   registered: Oct. 24th, 2022   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8762078
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