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Newest Member: Crushedafter46years

Divorce/Separation :
Death of my illusion

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 HomieAintRight (original poster new member #79903) posted at 4:50 AM on Friday, October 14th, 2022

Tonight it hit me that the relationship I thought I had with my STBXH was an illusion. It was the relationship from my perspective- my dreams- my goals. It was never a shared reality with him.

He pretended to be what I wanted to ‘win’ me. Then after accumulating the wealth he wanted, he discarded me. He achieved his goals & got what he wanted out of the relationship, then moved on to the next thing.

Relationships always have two perceptions going on at the same time. When his affair came to light, I was in complete shock & despair. Now I feel a bit foolish for not realizing that his view of our relationship was nothing remotely close to mine.

Thankful to no longer be stuck in a lie- being deceived daily- being talked about to the OW in utter disrespect. I remember reading on this forum that step 1 was to get yourself out of infidelity. Over a year later, I’m thankful to be near the finish line of achieving my freedom.

Blessings to all the kind souls on this forum for encouraging me to value myself & to not accept the unacceptable.

posts: 31   ·   registered: Feb. 7th, 2022   ·   location: United States
id 8759462
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 5:10 AM on Friday, October 14th, 2022

It’s a hard realization- and one too many of us have had to make. But glad you are getting yourself out of infidelity.
The days will get brighter, and you do deserve so much more. You are obviously strong and caring- and that plus your self-worth will make you a force. So glad to see it!

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5103   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8759464
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 5:26 PM on Friday, October 14th, 2022

For awhile, I grieved the loss of my illusion. My XWH is a covert narc & so much of what he said was a lie. I thought we had similar goals, only to find he was probably just mirroring what he thought I wanted to hear.

You know what's sad? He has remarried. Details that I've gotten from my sons & SIL are that he has portrayed himself as a country boy, and into farm life/living. It's a lie. He hasn't been honest with his new family, other than he told his new wife that we divorced because he cheated on me.

He's not all farmer/country boy. While he has changed sprinklers, he is so allergic to hay & grass that he used to have to take allergy shots. He told the boys that he doesn't like horses & is afraid of cows.

I can only assume that he did something similar to me. But it is sad that his new wife is building a life with somebody who has lied and not been authentic.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1494   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8759607
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 12:04 AM on Wednesday, October 19th, 2022

This was the most difficult thing for me to wrap my mind around was that the illusion was what I held from my perspective and reality was starkly different. It is why I was unbalanced for so long trying to find my way and the truth post A's. The truth was that my XWS was a narcissist (diagnosed) and mirrored and presented a side I wanted to see in the beginning, while behind the mask was something sinister. As life's responsibilities grew worse his mask would slip. It wasn't until False R (2 years after his diagnosis) that I started to see the patterns myself and the unravelling of our history began. More and more puzzle pieces of my life came together. It was not the life I had built in my mind, the one I fiercely protected for so long.

fBS/fWS(me):49 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(19) DS(16)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8358   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8760187
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Louisianalisa ( member #72443) posted at 5:12 AM on Saturday, October 29th, 2022

I know well the grief that goes with this type of realization. It is like a death. From this forum I heard about narcissism... and then I started to research.

When I bought a book on covert narcissism I read it entirely in one weekend. I had bought a yellow highlighter to highlight a few passages that might resonate. Well, by the end of the weekend, the entire book was yellow. In those pages I read my entire marriage.

I walked around in shock for the whole weekend, trying to wrap my head around the fact that I thought I was in a marriage. But I wasn't. I was in a three-phase narcissist cycle of abuse. It just took 15 years to play itself out. It was a HUGE loss for me. I poured my whole heart and soul into my marriage. For my WH, he was nowhere near on the same page as me. While I thought I was building a life with him, I realized I was just being manipulated all of those years.

Take good care of yourself during this grieving process. It is so hard and you have much cognitive dissonance right now. But you WILL get to the acceptance phase of the grief. It will come. smooch

BS: Me (still in shock)
WH: Unremorseful covert narcissist
3+ year long EA/PA.
DDays: Several (summer 2019)
Married 14 years. Divorced (summer 2020)
Food for thought: "Let go or be dragged"

posts: 111   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2020
id 8762744
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 HomieAintRight (original poster new member #79903) posted at 11:03 AM on Saturday, October 29th, 2022

Louisianalisa-

Wow. I can’t believe how similar our situations are. I, too, was married about 14 years before discovering his 2-3 year long affair.

I did not know what a narcissist was, either. I look back over the years and not only see how I was used & disposed, but also how he does that to all of the closest people in his life.

The grief is real and it is like a death.

Thanks to others who have shared their experiences. I would never want anyone to go through this. It does help to know I’m not alone.

posts: 31   ·   registered: Feb. 7th, 2022   ·   location: United States
id 8762755
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