Folks, I blew it. FAD's d-day did not register with me. I jumped to the coclusion that he was a BS who had rugswept for a relatively long while. Obviously I did not get that right.
On my other thread, I got accused by a mod of being a WS trying to figure out BS's. I'm sorry if my approach isn't fitting the SI cookie cutter needs, or is too fucking abstract. My work is in science....
Gently, I think you misread that. Since I didn't note your d-day, I wrote more bluntly than usual.
I did not accuse you of being a WS trying to get inside the head of your BS. I wrote, in essence, that your words could be interpreted that way.
The paragraph in which I actually stated my real interpretation of what you wrote said that I believe you are a BS who rugswept.
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You can post pretty much in any way you want, as long as it's within the guidelines. That's important. The guidelines offer every member wide latitude. The guidelines are here: https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums/guidelines/.
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If you post very abstractly, you'll get abstract responses, at least from me, and you'll respond like the person who is lost in the fog in a balloon who is told that they're lost in the fog in a balloon when they ask, 'Where am I?'
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I do apologize for being the catalyst for your leaving, and I urge you to reconsider. You'll get a lot of support from SI. You won't mesh with everyone, though. And some counsel may be heard to accept, even when it may be true.
My reco is to try out propositions that are offered to you. If they don't seem to fit for you, try 'em on again. If they still don;t fit for you after after being as objective as you can, you can reject the proposition - but if it sticks in your mind, you have more work to do with it.
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If you want to use your posts to heal, experience shows that sharing your own experience is the best approach.
The only experience that applies to your healing is your own. There are loads of similarities between BSes as a class, but so far we have only the most general rules for healing, and they are too general to apply to even the vast majority of cases - except the general principle of dealing with your own pain - i.e. your own variations/differences from the 'norm'.
Also, healing goes better when you start with you. What do you want, irrespective of what your WS wants? If you want to stay together, do you have requirements? If so, what are they? If you're unaware of what you want, you need to figure out how to bring your wants to the surface in observable measurable terms; otherwise, you are too likely not to get what you want.
And you can't heal if you try to keep your pain at a distance. Trying just never works. You do and then succeed or fail to do what you aim to do. Sometimes failure is more rewarding than succeeding, though usually success is more enjoyable. But as Yoda said about trying: 'Do or don't do.'
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What your WS goes through is simply something out of your control. Your WS's experiences are your WS's responsibility. You can provide emotional and other support if you want to, but that's not a requirement.
IMO, though, a WS who aims to R without healing is a weak partner for R. I suggest reading the 'Beyond Regret and Remorse' thread in the R forum and the 'What every WS needs to know' thread in the Healing Library (or the WS forum) for more on that.
This is why: R is difficult. When the WS is in R for the BS or for R, it's too easy to blame the BS or R for 'making' the WS do the hard work. That builds resentments. If the WS is in R to heal, the WS knows they're responsible for choosing the hard work.
In any case, SI is not about D or R. We're about surviving and thriving. Sometimes the best path to thriving is through R, sometimes, D.
You heal you. Your WS heals your WS. Together, if you both want to, you heal/build/rebuild your M.
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It only seems like you are the pivot point. In fact, you and your WS both have power and autonomy.
You can't R(econcile) unless both you and your WS are willing to do the necessary work. If one or both of you are or become unwilling, you can only D, wait, or r(ugsweep).
Separate what is within your scope, hwat is within your WS's scope, and what is shared. Your recovery starts with you. Your WS's recovery starts with your WS.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 2:29 AM, Friday, September 30th]
