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I’m 8 weeks past the end of my relationship and 6 weeks since finding out about the affair. See below for backstory.

How do you move forward? How do you stop feeling like trash that was thrown away? How do you live knowing he will marry her and you’ll still be processing this? I’m broken by this and still love him and want him to choose me. I can’t accept this reality and I’m a mess. There is so much more to this story about me standing by him through super hard times and she gets the now best version of him?

How do you get through this and stop feeling so worthless?

Backstory - affair started in Sept 2020 (I think can’t be sure). Ended in December of that year. Slept with her told her he loved her. She found out he was in a relationship and it ended. He said he choose me but I’m not sure.

July 2022 he says he got an accidental butt dial. They started texting and calling each other. Things went downhill fast for us in July - more fighting, not really paying attention or being there for me.

Got in an argument and the next day I apologized and was accountable. Both said we wanted to talk. He ended things putting 100% of the blame on me. I listened and took it all in. Felt HORRIBLE (first time hearing about how he felt about things). Asked him to consider a separation and therapy.

He considered it, came back a few days later and said no. I looked at our phone recipient (as I do since it’s the monthly bill) and saw a number. When he had said he was talking to family - different number.

Confronted him. I was kind and listened (I’m proud of myself) and he told me about it. About her. That he loves her and what happened in 2020. But that he chose me but nothing changed in our relationship and he felt lost and heartbroken but that she makes him feel loved and heard and valued.

I’ve since been able to see more stuff and connect the dots. Called her on my birthday while I was in bed. 😢

I went through a lot with him. Was there for him when his mom died. Lost all of his mom’s inheritance because he couldn’t get hired (never told me about this) and was trying to support himself, ended up being in debt, losing the first job he finally had due to the pandemic shut downs, our dog dying, being in financial peril where I saved us and our apartment, taking a second job to help pay for our dogs vet bills and eventual death and keeping us a float. I stayed through this - even with the lies about finances and creditors. I stayed because I loved him and you stick it out, together. I was in the fence about kids. Wanted to know how he felt - if it was something he really wanted I would have done that with him. I’m now 43 and turns out he does and his AP has a child. They have already talked about children. He walks away into a life where his problems are solved and I’m left here. With depression and anxiety and trust issues.

I'm sorry that happened to you. Right now, it's all so fresh and raw. It's going to take time to process it all. Grief takes its due, and most people will experience the Five Stages in this situation as if they'd experienced the death of a loved one.

There's a lot of information to be had in The Healing Library, so you'll want to check that out. It's so important to prioritize your self care right now. Emotional trauma is hard on the body, so not only might it be a good idea to get STD testing, but also to talk with your doctor about stress management. There's a good book you might read called The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. The author does a great job of explaining how the brain and body are affected and also has some pretty good pointers on getting started redirecting focus back to the self.

What you're going through is hard. Try to be patient with yourself.

((hugs))

Moving on is a day-by-day, hour-by-hour thing for a while.

* you remind yourself that you had a (good)life before him, and you WILL have a good life after him.
* you remind yourself that his issues are his - and his cheating has zero to do with you. Shakira, Halle Berry, you, and me…. We all get cheated on. The common factor is the broken cheaters, not us.
* you get into IC and you work on rebuilding your self esteem
* you see a lawyer to make sure you get what is fair and legally yours (were you married?)
* you see a Dr to make sure he didn’t bring home any nasty diseases
* you start to see your history with him without the rose-colored glasses and you see very clearly how all along you were giving more than he was.
*Read in the healing library
* Lean on your friends and family for support
* trust that you will feel better. not right away— this hurts for longer than we want. But you will be okay. Really.

Hang in there.

How do you move forward?

You just take it ONE STEP AT A TIME. Some days you may not be able to move more than from your bed to the bathroom...and that is perfectly FINE (((HUGS))). Just remember to keep...moving...forward.

How do you stop feeling like trash that was thrown away?

That one was a hard one for me in my 1st M. I NEEDED my 1st H...so I HAD to find a way for him to come back to me. I did that "pick me dance" like a PRO...and I WON...we got back together. Only...I caught him another time about 2 years later...with another adultery co-conspirator . He left me for her...and I was DEVASTATED . Looking back NOW...it was the BEST thing he ever did for me . I am a TREASURE...and it was a huge LOSS to HIM. After I started seriously dating the man who became my 2nd H...THEN my 1st H decided I was THE ONE . By then it was too little too late. That was the BEST thing I ever did for myself . I found out I never needed my 1st H at all...and I never looked back after that!!

How do you live knowing he will marry her and you’ll still be processing this?

Another hard thing for me to process at first. My 1st H and his new LURVE moved in together...he couldn't divorce me fast enough...then they were going to get married and live Happily Ever After. Their LURVE affair lasted somewhere around 2 weeks . I had such HOPE that we would be able to get back together. What actually happened was that he would come around...love bombing me...giving me that hope...until he found a new shiny . I would LOVE to say that I got wise and STOPPED doing that...but that isn't what happened . It took about a year for me to get my bearings. But once that happened...and I found my STRENGTH...things got so much BETTER for me . They will for you too .

Right now you are in the midst of a traumatic situation. Slowly but surely though...you WILL heal .

How do you move forward? How do you stop feeling like trash that was thrown away? How do you live knowing he will marry her and you’ll still be processing this? I’m broken by this and still love him and want him to choose me. I can’t accept this reality and I’m a mess. There is so much more to this story about me standing by him through super hard times and she gets the now best version of him?

How do you get through this and stop feeling so worthless?

I know it's not easy to hear when you're still this raw, but it's just TIME. Simple, horrible, impossible TIME. Your feelings are valid, your feelings are normal, and eventually you won't feel them as acutely as you do right now. It's also okay that you're a mess - I was too right when I separated. Argue hard with that voice in your head that tells you you're worthless, because you SO aren't. You are a loving partner who gave him a second chance. He's a cheating lying loser.

I did want to say though - she isn't 'getting the best version of him'. I worried about that too, but here's the thing - changing who they are WITH does not change who they ARE. And a relationship that starts in infidelity is rarely R-A-R-E-L-Y a happy one. The affair is a fantasy. When the reality of living with someone day in and day out; the sick times, the bad breath, the dirty underwear, the paying of bills... yeah, once that fantasy is replaced with the actual reality of day to day life it loses it's luster. The fact that he skipped off with her tells me he is a coward and that he hasn't done any work to fix his shit so the chances of him all of a sudden turning into prince charming for the trash he cheated with are about as good as the chances of me waking up 100 lbs slimmer tomorrow.

The best thing you can do for you is to go NO contact. NC is your friend right now. It's gonna be hard and it's gonna suck for a bit, not gonna lie, but the firmer you are about NC the easier it will be on you.

Hang in there - I promise you life gets better!

You treat yourself with the love and care you gave him. That means good food, clean sheets, a new outfit, a luxurious bath or even just some trash tv and your favorite cookies. You take care of yourself like someone you cherish and love, who deserves all the best things in life.

Trust that it gets better. I'm three years out from dday, and I am happy, busy, enjoying my kids and my life. At eight weeks out, I would've had a very hard time believing I'd ever be happy again, that I'd ever not miss him or feel bonded to him. But in time you will stop loving and respecting him. He'll actually be ugly and unappealing. You will likely feel "ick" when you recall that you ever feelings for such a slimy, low-character loser.

Get all the therapy and support you can get. Cut out the people who are staying friends with him. Cut out all reminders and never look at his social media - you don't need anymore pain than you already have. Feel these feelings, honor them and give yourself time to feel like crap - you went through a real trauma and this is a normal response to it. Get out when you can, put yourself in nature, watch funny things on TV. There's no short cut through trauma, but you'll survive until it passes. You will be happy again.

[This message edited by skeetermooch at 7:16 PM, Saturday, October 1st]

You will likely feel "ick" when you recall that you ever feelings for such a slimy, low-character loser.

Oh gosh...YESSSSS!!! Thinking back to things I did to try and win my 1st H back...it makes me CRINGE now! WHY would I EVER have thought that I wanted THAT slimy, low-character loser back???!!! You described my 1st H to a tee skeetermooch!