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General :
Weird jealous...

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 smitty82 (original poster new member #80920) posted at 12:14 PM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

I don't know if anyone else has felt the same as me. Over the last few months I have realised that part of my anger towards my WH is that he got to have the excitement of an affair. It's not just the betrayal that I hate (although I do genuinely HATE the AP). He got to feel desired, attractive and experience the 'escapism' that was part of the temptation (according to him) and I got PTSD!
I have never said this out loud but I am jealous of this. I would like to feel desired and attractive and maybe like to escape but all I got was the shakes and to feel quite the opposite. I know full well that even if I did have the opportunity to do what he did in between work, children, house and (currently) my insane spiral thoughts that I probably wouldn't. Not only because I actually meant my wedding vows but also I wouldn't dream of potentially messing up my children's world.

This doesn't stop that little bit of the anger that belongs to this weird slant on my jealousy.

Don't know if this is normal.........I have lost sight of any type of normality just now.

posts: 8   ·   registered: Sep. 13th, 2022   ·   location: UK
id 8756496
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taken4granted ( member #61971) posted at 12:27 PM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

I think we all go through feelings of it’s not fair. I mean, they have all the fun and we get a shit sandwich. It’s ok to feel that way and it’s good that you acknowledge that had roles been reversed, you wouldn’t have cheated.

I remember years ago, I had a young handsome cashier give me what I believed was the "hey there" look. It made my day that after two kids I could still have someone flirt with me. I got in the car smiling only to look in the rear view mirror and realize I had a big green piece of broccoli stuck in my tooth. I’m sure now that’s the look he was giving me. Lol

But it felt good in those short moments when I thought he was flirting even though I wasn’t going to act on it. So yes, it sucks and it’s ok to feel a bit of jealousy.

"If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything." - Mark Twain
Me: Living life! Him: Not my problem anymore
Married 15 yrs.
1 LTA, Many EAs from 2009 - ?
Dday 1 = 6/16/17
Last Dday = 1/4/18
Started loving myself 2018!

posts: 379   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2017   ·   location: OH
id 8756498
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 2:09 PM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

My H dealt with this too. Went so far as to get on Catholic Match and Tinder to see what he was missing. Hated that I got to have the fun and how unfair it all was.

Youre not alone, its a normal thing for BSs.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Back at it again- bantering w the younger woman. Lied about blocking phone calls and deleted texts. Carried on with her. Financial infidelity again- who says you only cheat with lovers?

posts: 840   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8756504
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ZetaCephei ( member #79378) posted at 2:47 PM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

I certainly feel a lot of resentment for him having all the fun and me paying the price. But not jealousy, because what they had was not real. It may have felt real to him at the time, but it was all a lie, a fantasy, a dirty little bubble that burst and left behind only devastation. They were just two cheaters lying to each other for ego kibbles. Two broken people looking for validation in the wrong place. It was not an authentic relationship and not something I would ever want, not for all ego kibbles, infatuation or intoxicating feelings in the world.

Me: BW, 46 -- Him: WH, 46 -- 2 LTAs (2012-2021 and 2016-2021) + 4 ONS -- Dday1: July 2021 -- Dday2: September 2021 -- Just living from day to day, not capable for any major decision at the moment

posts: 67   ·   registered: Sep. 8th, 2021   ·   location: Europe
id 8756513
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Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 3:03 PM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

I differ from many here in that I personally distinguish between a revenge affair (the BS having an A with the intent of causing the WS to feel the pain of betrayal), and a BS simply choosing to experience joyous sex with somebody other than the WS because feeling desired feels good. I ascribe differing moral weighting to those two distinct occurrences. Don't know if that makes any sense.

I would disclose that my WW left me for her AP. I was crushed of course, but got back on my feet and met somebody new. First time I had sex with her the sense of being simply desired, it was very freeing for me. Like a weight lifted from me.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3969   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8756517
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:28 PM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

Robert Frost supposedly said something like, Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.' smile

******

I counted this as my own projection - I think I might cheat if I were guaranteed to have mind-blowing transcendent sex, and I assumed that was what my W was getting.

In fact, I was lucky enough to know instinctively that they always affair down. I just knew that I had been a good enough H. I was devastated, and I knew Id be even more devastated if she chose ow over me, but I also knew she had affaired down.

Of course, ow affaired down with my W, too. crying

When I found SI, I found a thread that makes that point, and I have just bumped it.

*****

The facts don't keep many of us (BSes) from feeling undesirable. I think, though, that that desire to be wanted brings with it a small amount of knowledge that one IS desirable. The way out of this particular rabbit hole, I believe, is to nurture that small self-knowledge that one is desirable and to shut down self-talk that says one isn't.

Healing is easier said than done, but it's worth the effort.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27569   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8756537
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 12:55 AM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

I've definitely felt that way. More than once.

I'm in the minority of BS's here, but there was a thread once that asked "If you had to have infidelity in your marriage, would you choose to be the BS or the WS?" and I said I'd rather be the WS for the reasons you stated specifically.

Yeah it would suck to lose the moral high ground, but I kinda understand the draw of the A and overall I think the WS suffers less in R (not that the WS doesn't suffer or that suffering is a competition).

Edit: made a BS/WS mistake that made my post not make much sense. Haha. Fixed.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 4:11 PM, Friday, September 23rd]

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2091   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8756601
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FireandWater ( member #80084) posted at 1:22 AM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

I've had this conversation with WH a few times (just last night, fact). I asked him how it's fair that he seems to have few consequences in this whole thing. I am broken and feeling that my entire marriage has been a lie. I feel like he's not the person I thought I married. I knew at some point that he had a wandering eye, but I blindly trusted that he would never actually physically cheat on me. I just thought he wasn't that guy. But I know now that he is.

I feel like I've been thrown into this confusing and devastating storm. I've had to lie to my friends and family (by not telling them what's going on with us). I've had to put on a brave face and act my way through everyday so my kids and my co-workers wouldn't know how I was feeling underneath the mask. I've had to begin therapy, which I find kind of stressful. I have to sit with all of my unanswered questions and missing pieces of the puzzle until his therapist decides he's "ready" to enter MC with me. Everyone's life has to be on hold and I have to remain stuck until his majesty the cheater can handle the stress of MC without causing him to resume the behaviors that supposedly led him to the A. My therapist has tried to give me tools to handle my trauma while I'm in this holding pattern, but I still look at him and want to punch his smug-ass face sometimes!

He tried to assure me that he's not just skipping through life and that he is also hurting. He sure doesn't show it, at least not not to me. Meanwhile, he got to have his screw-fests in cars, behind bushes, at her house and on my couch. He got to sneak around and meet her for walks, lunches and any number of disgusting, illicit crap. He got to be admired and desired and have this bitch chase after him like a lovesick puppy. He said he didn't want the level of contact that she wanted. I don't buy that. I'm sure he loved the feeling of being pursued. If he gave her attention back, he was rewarded with blowjobs. He says he didn't enjoy any of it and deeply regrets the whole thing. Naw. I'm sure he enjoyed it. Maybe he regrets being caught and having to face the aftermath, but I doubt he's sorry he got all those BJs and f*** sessions.

I wouldn't say I'm jealous. I would never do what he did. I would say I'm resentful that he got all the fun and my life was shattered.

posts: 100   ·   registered: Mar. 15th, 2022
id 8756604
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BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 5:25 AM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

I differ from many here in that I personally distinguish between a revenge affair (the BS having an A with the intent of causing the WS to feel the pain of betrayal), and a BS simply choosing to experience joyous sex with somebody other than the WS because feeling desired feels good. I ascribe differing moral weighting to those two distinct occurrences. Don't know if that makes any sense.

If the moral weight is different, is one heavier than the other? Is it better or worse to have sex to hurt someone than it is to have sex because it makes you feel joyful?

WW/BW

posts: 2904   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8756629
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:26 PM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

Soooooo some slimy guy who wants to use women for sex and only sex gives you a ego boost????

I have been approached by guys like that my whole life (even now in my 60s). I’m cute enough and in good shape but that certainly doesn’t boost my ego. Because if they act like that with me they act like that with most women.

How sad that we use that as a barometer.

My H used to get those ego boosts from women his whole life. Now he realizes just how shallow and meaningless it was.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 1:26 PM, Friday, September 23rd]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12497   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8756672
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Hannah47 ( new member #80116) posted at 2:12 PM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

Definitely not jealous - he was experiencing things that would not bring joy to me. Those were not the things that I wanted. For me, it would be like being jealous of other people’s misfortunes.

[This message edited by Hannah47 at 2:14 PM, Friday, September 23rd]

posts: 48   ·   registered: Mar. 21st, 2022
id 8756703
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:05 PM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

T/J - My T/J has been triggered by a paragraph in a post taken out of context. I do not at all mean to criticize any person or people. The thoughts that triggered me are normal soon after d-day, after all. I do mean, however, to offer an alternative way if thinking.

I feel like I've been thrown into this confusing and devastating storm. I've had to lie to my friends and family (by not telling them what's going on with us). I've had to put on a brave face and act my way through everyday so my kids and my co-workers wouldn't know how I was feeling underneath the mask. I've had to begin therapy, which I find kind of stressful. I have to sit with all of my unanswered questions and missing pieces of the puzzle until his therapist decides he's "ready" to enter MC with me. Everyone's life has to be on hold and I have to remain stuck until his majesty the cheater can handle the stress of MC without causing him to resume the behaviors that supposedly led him to the A. My therapist has tried to give me tools to handle my trauma while I'm in this holding pattern, but I still look at him and want to punch his smug-ass face sometimes!

Gently, I understand feeling like this. I agree that BSes get thrown into a confusing, devastating storm. I've told only a few people outside of a therapeutic contract, where confidentiality is assured (pretty much), about my W's A.

I am very sorry you've lost connection with your inner power, fireandwater, but it's not unnatural early in recovery. We/You have been victimized, and it's hard to avoid taking on an extended Victim role.

But we BSes are in control of ourselves. We choose who and what we say. We choose our requirements for R, and we choose what behavior we accept.

Still gently, fandw, what do you hope to achieve from MC? Is your WS dodging questions? Is he getting a pass on that from his IC? Do you want answers? My W's IC, who became our MC on d-day, told my W point blank to answer all my questions if she wanted me to choose R. She said it MC, and she said it in IC. Later, when I started IC, my therapist told me to ask any question I and to expect truthful answers or to walk.

If your H isn't strong enough to answer your questions, will he ever be strong enough to R? How long are you willing to wait for him to take responsibility for himself. His refusal to be a responsible adult is his problem, not yours. Your problem is figuring out what you'll do about it.

One step we can all take that will advance our own healing is to realize that healing from the pain of being betrayed is not the same task as Reconciling or Divorcing, and that Reconciling takes a WS who will do the necessary work. Sure, it often makes sense to give the WS time to prepare to do the work - but not at the expense of selling oneself down the river of more pain than one chooses to accept.

My W is a CSA (childhood sex abuse) survivor. My heart goes out to her for that. Her experience was an important part of what I accepted from her. But she stopped lying when she revealed her A. She didn't dodge after that, though she sometimes asked permission to defer answering a question until an MC session. She certainly saw herself as a Victim, but she didn't use that to dodge her responsibility. Part of that was her decision, part of that was her decision as guided by her IC. If she had hidden behind her CSA or behind her therapist, I suspect I'd have been much more interested in D and less interested in R than I was. I recommend a similar approach for you.

It's important for BSes to have requirements for R. IMO, the best way for a BS to heal is to negotiate requirements for R and to walk away if the WS won't agree to meet them - and to walk away if the WS doesn't follow up their agreement by actually meeting those requirements.

R requires strength from both partners. R takes 2. A BS can't R without the WS doing the necessary work, no matter how strong the BS is. I urge every BS not to sell yourself out.

End T/J

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:06 PM, Friday, September 23rd]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27569   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8756755
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 12:17 AM on Saturday, September 24th, 2022

I have to sit with all of my unanswered questions and missing pieces of the puzzle until his therapist decides he's "ready" to enter MC with me. Everyone's life has to be on hold and I have to remain stuck until his majesty the cheater can handle the stress of MC without causing him to resume the behaviors that supposedly led him to the A.

Sorry for the t/j.. but there's no way in hell I'd put up with that. I'm sure it's nice for the cheater to have a respite from any sort of consequences but this is at your direct expense. He's salting the wound as it were.

On topic, I think it's pretty normal to feel that way. It pissed me off that he got to throw off all his marital responsibility and behave like a teenager while I was expected to be an adult. Pissed me off even more when I had to admit that it's MY standard of behavior stopping me and that if I wanted to say "fuck it" and throw my integrity away, I could do it whenever I wanted. It's me who stops me.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 12:18 AM, Saturday, September 24th]

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5927   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8756840
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 2:12 AM on Saturday, September 24th, 2022

Smitty,

You wrote I don't know if anyone else has felt the same as me. Over the last few months I have realised that part of my anger towards my WH is that he got to have the excitement of an affair. It's not just the betrayal that I hate (although I do genuinely HATE the AP). He got to feel desired, attractive and experience the 'escapism' that was part of the temptation (according to him) and I got PTSD!

Despite how horrible affairs are socially and psychologically, when people are in them they are an extreme experience. And I am jealous of my W getting to love someone else with all the intensity I've never seen since.

I also believe it made my W view me almost asexual and object of charity afterward by comparison.

posts: 1206   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8756845
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