I've started to post my whole story with lots of detail several times since I joined this board. In reality, I don't know that it will be all that helpful to share the level of detail that I have written several times.
The short version is:
My wife of 17 years had an 9mo PA, with 3+ months of EA leading up to it. DDay started with multi-hour conversation about many things that I had done wrong in our marriage, as early as the first year. Several hours later she told me about the affair. Lots of minimizing, deflecting, trickle truthing, and the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" message.
The trickle truthing, continued communication w/ AP, requiring support/comfort during her mourning the AP, helping through the process of getting a PPO etc went on for 6 months. Some good times in these months. But overall it set a tone that has been really hard to break for me.
Lots of poor choices in this time frame from me. Normal MC (counselor said we didn't need to talk about the A). Pick me dance. Taking lots of blame. Trying to fix the list of "wrongs" from the marriage. Took her on a trip for our anniversary. On and on and on.
Fast forward to 18mo post DDay #1, and during a particularly rough week, DDay #2 happens. 2x concurrent online A's with separate men, with the second one continuing into the EA with AP. Lots of naked/sexual/masturbation video chatting, sending pictures, emotional discussion, etc. Claims never met, but who knows.
As I am realizing that my wifes affairs now stretch 2.5-3.5 years, multiple guys, etc, she says that she got very close to a younger guy at about online (gaming introduction). This was at 5 years into our marriage. EA with discussion of sexual acts, desires, etc. Kid was a virgin, so she claims she never sent any pictures/videos. Now I am aware that the last 12 years of my marriage has been rife with infidelity and lies.
Post DDay #2 (4-5 weeks now), I told her that she HAD to read "How to help your spouse heal" and "Not just friends". After reading those, she has added more detail to the DDay #2 information, and has been trying to follow the suggestions therein. Also post DDay #2, we have been seeing a MC that specializes in Infidelity, and there have been a few good things that have come out of working with him, but there has also been a number of things that have come up that have made me more angry with her.
She says she is fully committed to R, has told me all the truth, and that she wants only me. I struggle to believe these things after the deceit, trickle truthing, gaslighting, and lying. I truly think she is terrified of having to suffer the real consequences of Divorce and the truth coming out to a larger audience.
To add a little more color of why this hurts so much, we met when we were 17, married at 20/21, and she is the only girl I have ever dated, kissed, loved, and slept with.
Anyway. Just needed to get some of this out.
So much for "short version"