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General :
Just need to vent a little


 Downtrodden (original poster new member #80278) posted at 6:35 AM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

I've started to post my whole story with lots of detail several times since I joined this board. In reality, I don't know that it will be all that helpful to share the level of detail that I have written several times.

The short version is:

My wife of 17 years had an 9mo PA, with 3+ months of EA leading up to it. DDay started with multi-hour conversation about many things that I had done wrong in our marriage, as early as the first year. Several hours later she told me about the affair. Lots of minimizing, deflecting, trickle truthing, and the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" message.

The trickle truthing, continued communication w/ AP, requiring support/comfort during her mourning the AP, helping through the process of getting a PPO etc went on for 6 months. Some good times in these months. But overall it set a tone that has been really hard to break for me.

Lots of poor choices in this time frame from me. Normal MC (counselor said we didn't need to talk about the A). Pick me dance. Taking lots of blame. Trying to fix the list of "wrongs" from the marriage. Took her on a trip for our anniversary. On and on and on.

Fast forward to 18mo post DDay #1, and during a particularly rough week, DDay #2 happens. 2x concurrent online A's with separate men, with the second one continuing into the EA with AP. Lots of naked/sexual/masturbation video chatting, sending pictures, emotional discussion, etc. Claims never met, but who knows.

As I am realizing that my wifes affairs now stretch 2.5-3.5 years, multiple guys, etc, she says that she got very close to a younger guy at about online (gaming introduction). This was at 5 years into our marriage. EA with discussion of sexual acts, desires, etc. Kid was a virgin, so she claims she never sent any pictures/videos. Now I am aware that the last 12 years of my marriage has been rife with infidelity and lies.

Post DDay #2 (4-5 weeks now), I told her that she HAD to read "How to help your spouse heal" and "Not just friends". After reading those, she has added more detail to the DDay #2 information, and has been trying to follow the suggestions therein. Also post DDay #2, we have been seeing a MC that specializes in Infidelity, and there have been a few good things that have come out of working with him, but there has also been a number of things that have come up that have made me more angry with her.

She says she is fully committed to R, has told me all the truth, and that she wants only me. I struggle to believe these things after the deceit, trickle truthing, gaslighting, and lying. I truly think she is terrified of having to suffer the real consequences of Divorce and the truth coming out to a larger audience.

To add a little more color of why this hurts so much, we met when we were 17, married at 20/21, and she is the only girl I have ever dated, kissed, loved, and slept with.

Anyway. Just needed to get some of this out.

So much for "short version" laugh

BH - Attempting R, but seriously questioning...

posts: 1   ·   registered: May. 1st, 2022   ·   location: CO
id 8756492

LIYA13 ( member #62026) posted at 10:47 AM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

Firstly, sometimes its good to write the entire story doesnt matter how long it is. You just need to get it off your chest. I remember in the beginning I was very hesitant to wtite my full story but eventually I did. Felt good. Felt light.

I met my husband when I was 20. We've been together for a very long time but married nearly 13 years. Our anniversary is coming up very shortly. He too was my first everything. He will be my last everything too because I cannot do another relationship or marriage. Betrayal is the worst kind of trauma. I could never go through it ever again. This is his only chance to make things good and continue to make sure everything stays good.

I am 5 years post Dday. My H was fully committed to reconciliation. I think for the same reason as your wife. The fear of divorce and also a wider audience finding it. My H father did the same to his mum. He left when my MiL had an 8 month child. My H became the backbone and the pillar of the family. He was clearly broken. After months of IC for both us I decided to reconcile. Its not easy but it is possible.

Sometimes I still vent but I realise in the end that I agreed to reconciliation and he too has his own demons to fight. I cant keep bringing up the past although it kills me inside what he done to us. Do I trust him...? Can I really live the rest of my life with him? I have managed 5 years with alot of Ups and downs. When we have Ups were great but when we have downs I am a total mess. I suffered anxiety and panic attacks in the beginning but it has calmed down in the last few years. Reconciliation hasnt been easy but its something we are both working on.

[This message edited by LIYA13 at 10:50 AM, Thursday, September 22nd]

posts: 173   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2017   ·   location: United Kingdom
id 8756494

tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 2:46 PM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

Welcome Downtrodden,
You will find a lot of great support here.

I'm a bit of an old timer here and will give it to you straight.

1. Why do you want to stay w/ a woman who is a proven serial cheater?
2. Do you understand that her choice to cheat, was just that, a choice, it had zero to do with who you are, what you look like, and nothing you did or did not do lead to that choice to cheat. Her cheating is her CHOICE, and she is a broken person. In that same vein, why in the world are you working in MC to heal your M? She has to first own what she has done, and start to work on whatever is broken w/in herself before you can rebuild. Until she does that, MC can actually cause harm, and do damage.
3. See an attorney, learn your rights, understand what D and S look like for you and what it would mean for both of you.
4. This is a very difficult and traumatic thing to go through, and probably the most traumatic thing you have dealt with in life. For that reason it is important to make sure you have your head in the right space, so consider getting some IC for yourself, not w/ infidelity specialist (that's her issue) but rather one that specializes in trauma, PTSD, and betrayal.

Figure out what you want and what you need.

Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19509   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8756512

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:37 PM on Thursday, September 22nd, 2022

I have the same first question tush does: why stay? You can leave if you want to, so what keeps you in your M? There are probably healthy and unhealthy reasons, but you need to know as many of your reasons as possible. You didn't cause your W to cheat, but healing requires you to own your own shit, as unfair as that may be.

BTW, by looking at why you stay, you can compare the healthy and unhealthy reasons and make your choice based on the healthy ones. Your W chose to cheat. You choose what you're going to do about it.

Knowing I made my choice for what I think are mainly healthy reasons gave me tremendous strength during the darkest days.

I think you chose well for your first post. I hope the responses help.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27569   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8756539

papoula ( member #39079) posted at 1:29 AM on Saturday, September 24th, 2022

Is she justifying her cheating with the "wrong things" she says you did from pretty much all the marriage?

What are those things she says you did wrong? I mean, I'm just curious about it but the truth is that there is no excuse or justification for cheating. No exceptions. Cheating was her choice and you did nothing to cause or deserve it.

Me: BS 41 years oldHim: WH 44 years old1st DDay 2013 and several others after that Married 10 yearsMoving forward with separation and divorce

posts: 157   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2013   ·   location: United States
id 8756844
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