I'll be honest with you, your WH has no history of not cheating. Already, you're hearing sob stories about his traumatic childhood, and yeah.. I get it, people have trauma, life is hard, yada, yada, yada, not your problem. Lots of people have trauma, depression, anxiety, bipolar disease, what-have-you, but not everyone cheats. I've become convinced over the past eighteen years of study on the subject that cheating is about character. It's about a person's values system and what they actually believe rather than what they claim to believe. We see it in ACTIONS. A cheater stands up in front of family, friends, and even God, and vows fidelity, but when push comes to shove, they've got a "but..." in their values system, an out-clause. ie. "He believes in Fidlelity, but... not if he needs to cope with some difficult feelings". Their actions tell us that their values are weak or nonexistent. YOU can't fix that. Only he can.
You're here in the Reconciliation section, so obviously, you want to try, but all you can do at this point is to assess whether or not you've got something you can work with. His mouth is moving and he's saying all the right things. You've got some actions from him in terms of going to therapy and participating in family life (something he should have already been doing). So, there's that at least. But you've got no way of knowing what the end results are going to be and whether he can achieve actual change or not.
In my own situation, I swung for the fence on D at my dday. I was done. It was everything my fWH could do to stop me, so he was coming at it from an extremely motivated perspective. Like a lot of BS's, I got bogged down for awhile in sympathizing with him. In retrospect, that's largely about control and pain avoidance. If I could step back and look at my WH's cheating clinically, I didn't have to sit in my own feelings and I had the illusion of "fixing" to stave off my insecurity. Even though I had been prepared for divorce though, I very quickly reinvested in the relationship, which in hindsight, I believe slowed my progress. I didn't even start IC for myself until two years later when I felt like I was hopelessly bogged down.
My advice to you would be to stop focusing on your WH and on R. That's a really tall order, I know. It's like your coffee table burst into flames and I'm saying "ignore it". But your healing is going to come from within and while you're worried about making the best decision for your kids and your family as a whole, you're putting YOU on the backburner. It's too soon to know if your WH is going to make it or not, and frankly, his track record is terrible. If it was me, I'd leave him on the couch and work on healing my own injuries until he had had time to prove he's at least starting to get it, and you've had time to think about what you really want for your one and only life.
[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 9:37 PM, Tuesday, September 20th]