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Newest Member: Goku06

Wayward Side :
Advice please?

question

 WTDIEC (original poster new member #80750) posted at 6:49 AM on Wednesday, August 31st, 2022

I know it's only been 2 months and I should just accept that this is how things are. Everything was all online. We are in different countries. (Opposite sides of the world)

I fucked up, I cheated, I lied to AP about BH, I did things that fucking suck for BH. I have been and are completely honest with BH

I have given BH everything I can but I deleted a lot of texts to and from AP some I deleted myself and some were messages that self deleted after being read. Which means there isn't much physical evidence I can give. This is causing major hurt for BH. My memory is shit and I am working on a detailed timeline. Yet there is still only so much I can write as I don't Remember exact wording, also add in the fact that 99% of my sexting replies were emojis it makes me look like I'm still lying or that there was more to it.

I took some sexy pictures of myself that I made because of AP. They were not FOR AP, I can see how everyone here would see it that way and how BH can also see it that way. I have told BH EVERYTHING even things I never wanted to tell.

BH blames himself but it was my fault. I had the A I caused the issues we have now.

I have many demons and personal issues, ASD and possible BPD on top of those as well.

BH has tried for 17 years to help me with these. I think I needed therapy for it years ago but never went as hearing BH's negative views on therapy had me thinking he wouldn't be supportive of me going to therapy.

I kept bring up him not sexting me as a way to deflect from him reminding me that I didn't take videos and pictures of myself FOR him. As much as I did because of AP. Reminder AP never seen any of these.

I have therapy next week, some group therapy sessions for people with my past issues. I can't help but feel as if nothing I say will ever be believed because I can't give all the evidence BH wants. I can only be honest. I see that to him and probably all the other BS in here that they are just words.

Is there anything other than repeating the honest truth, the timeline, a poly,no sex, doing as he requests, getting IC, learning empathy, and trying to understand (I'm not good at understanding others in general) that I could be doing/saying/showing?

I'm at a loss all I want to do is help BH and not make BH feel he need to help/fix me.

Timeline is in my profile

[This message edited by WTDIEC at 11:40 AM, Wednesday, August 31st]

WW: WTDIEC (early 30's)
BH: RustyPuff (early 30's)
Together: 17 years
Children: 3 Girls 2 Boys
D-Day: June 21 2022
Still learning
Timeline in my story

posts: 26   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2022   ·   location: Australia
id 8753090
default

src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 7:18 AM on Wednesday, August 31st, 2022

You must do everything in your power to provide the truth to your BH. That starts with a polygraph. Set it up. Have your BH prepare the questions. The examiner will modify the questions to make them testable. In conjunction with the polygraph provide a detailed timeline. Enter therapy with a professional versed in infidelity. Be totally transparent with all your electronic devices and social media accounts. Take your electronic device you used to communicate with the AP and have an expert run recovery software in order to retrieve some of your texts, if possible. Go no contact with the AP forever starting now. These are things you need to do immediately. Be totally truthful with your BH from this day forward. Get to it if you truly care about your BH and wish to save your marriage. No excuses.

[This message edited by src9043 at 7:22 AM, Wednesday, August 31st]

posts: 677   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8753093
default

 WTDIEC (original poster new member #80750) posted at 7:42 AM on Wednesday, August 31st, 2022

src9043

I'm more than willing to do a polygraph. In my country it isn't widely available and cost about $300.

As I said I AM working on a detailed timeline.

Therapy starts next week

I have given him everything to do with all my accounts and electronic devices.

I have been NC with AP since 3 weeks after D-Day. Yes I know should've went NC immediately I fucked up more right then

I have been completely honest with him and if I were to give him the answers he thinks will help him they would be lies

WW: WTDIEC (early 30's)
BH: RustyPuff (early 30's)
Together: 17 years
Children: 3 Girls 2 Boys
D-Day: June 21 2022
Still learning
Timeline in my story

posts: 26   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2022   ·   location: Australia
id 8753095
default

src9043 ( member #75367) posted at 6:14 PM on Wednesday, August 31st, 2022

I am glad to hear that you are taking the right approach. It is incumbent that you remain 100% truthful with BH. Any slip up where he catches you in a lie will destroy everything you are trying to accomplish. I am not a religious person, but I do believe that if a person lives a righteous life, so many pitfalls that humans face in one's lifetime can be avoided. Good luck to you and your husband. I hope things work out and the two of you get back on track.

posts: 677   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8753173
default

BeingNaive ( member #30652) posted at 8:43 PM on Wednesday, August 31st, 2022

Definitely be 100% honest with your BH from now on, about everything. Try to find anything you can to help with the timeline. You could request phone records of your text messages. While you wouldn't have their content, it would allow you to know when it started and end, as well as how often. Sometimes dates can trigger a memory on what was talked about.

There is one thing that stood out to me that bothered me.

I took some sexy pictures of myself that I made because of AP. They were not FOR AP,....


I kept bring up him not sexting me as a way to deflect from him reminding me that I didn't take videos and pictures of myself FOR him. As much as I did because of AP. Reminder AP never seen any of these.

Bottom line is, you made them and it 100% had to do about the AP. You could have taken them at any time during your 17yrs together and sent them to your BH. You didn't need an invitation to send them. You blaming your BH for not sexting him is childish. You could have started the conversation and/or sent the photos at any time. This angers me and I'm sure it angers your BH. I would ask you to really stop and think about what you are saying here.

posts: 280   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2011   ·   location: Michigan
id 8753217
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 2:23 AM on Thursday, September 1st, 2022

WTDIEC,

You wrote, I have told BH EVERYTHING even things I never wanted to tell.

That's great, it means long term your stories will not change, and long term he might reestablish trust in You.

Also let him know that he can ask you about this anytime he wants in the future.

Because you've told him everything you also allowed yourself to heal eventually.

posts: 1206   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8753270
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