I know it's only been 2 months and I should just accept that this is how things are. Everything was all online. We are in different countries. (Opposite sides of the world)
I fucked up, I cheated, I lied to AP about BH, I did things that fucking suck for BH. I have been and are completely honest with BH
I have given BH everything I can but I deleted a lot of texts to and from AP some I deleted myself and some were messages that self deleted after being read. Which means there isn't much physical evidence I can give. This is causing major hurt for BH. My memory is shit and I am working on a detailed timeline. Yet there is still only so much I can write as I don't Remember exact wording, also add in the fact that 99% of my sexting replies were emojis it makes me look like I'm still lying or that there was more to it.
I took some sexy pictures of myself that I made because of AP. They were not FOR AP, I can see how everyone here would see it that way and how BH can also see it that way. I have told BH EVERYTHING even things I never wanted to tell.
BH blames himself but it was my fault. I had the A I caused the issues we have now.
I have many demons and personal issues, ASD and possible BPD on top of those as well.
BH has tried for 17 years to help me with these. I think I needed therapy for it years ago but never went as hearing BH's negative views on therapy had me thinking he wouldn't be supportive of me going to therapy.
I kept bring up him not sexting me as a way to deflect from him reminding me that I didn't take videos and pictures of myself FOR him. As much as I did because of AP. Reminder AP never seen any of these.
I have therapy next week, some group therapy sessions for people with my past issues. I can't help but feel as if nothing I say will ever be believed because I can't give all the evidence BH wants. I can only be honest. I see that to him and probably all the other BS in here that they are just words.
Is there anything other than repeating the honest truth, the timeline, a poly,no sex, doing as he requests, getting IC, learning empathy, and trying to understand (I'm not good at understanding others in general) that I could be doing/saying/showing?
I'm at a loss all I want to do is help BH and not make BH feel he need to help/fix me.
Timeline is in my profile
[This message edited by WTDIEC at 11:40 AM, Wednesday, August 31st]