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Wayward Side :
What to do......

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 WTDIEC (original poster new member #80750) posted at 7:10 PM on Sunday, August 28th, 2022

I emotionally and virtually cheated on my BH. The A lasted max a week, I had been talking to AP since March and by June had started lying about BH to AP whenever BH and I had an argument (which usually started because of me). I sexted AP twice that my BH did not know about. I sent him 2 videos (BH knew about the videos BH was the one filming) and there was 1 video chat (BH was there for the start of that but left the room). I did not realise it had become an emotional affair. BH has since told me and I quote "I only went along with it because you had already been arguing with me about it and you already chose him over me, so I felt if I didnt you were going to do it anyway, which you did anyway". I did this to BH.

I had told BH about A before anything sexual had happened, I had not even realised that by then it was already an EA. BH found some pics/vids I had made for myself and hidden away about 24 hours after the sexual A had ended. I was still talking to AP which I see now that I should've stopped talking to AP as soon as the sexual A stopped. I was selfish and only thinking of myself. I didn't stop talking to AP until about 3 weeks after D-Day. Which has caused even more difficulties for BH.

I thought AP was just a good friend that was until it became sexual, I still did not beleive it to be emotional only sexual. I'm an idiot. I did not and do not love AP yet i did feel as if AP got me. Turns out AP is just a two faced prick.

I have a ton of self hatred and shame over it. It feels like BH loves to remind me of it any chance BH can. If i have a negative emotion BH reminds me what I did to him. Which just makes me feel like I am not allowed to feel anything because I hurt BH and because of me hurting BH I am not allowed to feel anything. BH is what matters. I shouldn't care about me. I hurt BH. with all my self hate I keep hurting myself (throwing myself into walls, hitting my head, biting myself, trying to kill myself), I lied about BH to the AP, I lied about our home life. I have said nasty things to BH during and after the A. I was on Birth Control for over a decade, it fucked with my head, it fucked with my libito and it fucked with my perception of the world, in turn it had messed with BH as well

I have blocked AP and do not speak to AP. I have given BH all my passwords, access to everything, spend every possible moment with BH, I only do things I think BH won't get dissappointed or feel left out of. I give BH every part of me and it seems to making my control I once had over my negative emotions almost non-existant. I seem to loose my control every 2-3 days. I think I'm loosing my mind. I know I need help. I feel selfish trying to get help. I hurt BH he needs me to prove I love BH and trust BH and only BH. What I want or think I need should never come before BH. This particular one tends to lead to BH saying that he deosnt deserve anything and to forget about him.

I have always metally put my day into blocks of what that day will consist of. BH and I keep arguing as we have not spoken about having a set time or block of each day or couple days where we talk about what I did and how it affects BH. I have issues understanding what is being said and BH isnt great at explaining feelings, this had also led to arguments before and after the A. Yet much more often after A then before

I will never forget or forgive myself for cheating on BH, how I hurt BH, how I betrayed BH and how I continued to do it even when I knew BH was against it.

I will always feel like I need to prove that I won't ever do anything like that or push something on BH again.

I hurt BH in the worst way and I'll never be able to take it back. It is always going to be in my head. NOTHING justifies it. There was no excuse for it.

Even if BH forgives me it's always going to be there. BH won't forget and I don't expect him to. God I will never forget. I was so horrible, I betrayed and hurt BH in the worst way.

I don't think I'll ever be the same again. It's just not going to be something I will ever forgive myself for. I can't and never will be able to.

I am constanly feeling shame for what I have done. BH is hurt, betrayed, confused, questioning, and everything he could feel all because of me and what I did to him. Yet I can't answer or explain much as I don't have the answers myself. I think it was lack of control, feeling unwanted (not true, my head likes to fuck with me). Instead of trying to talk to BH about everything I pushed it aside and ignored it. It has been what I have done for as long as I can remember.

BH says I don't have to prove myself and that everything else "good" outweighs what I did, This so far has been proven completely wrong. I get in a depressive or self loathing mood and this is what BH says to me: I'm just a liar, a whore, a bitch, a cheater, a pyscopath, deranged, a narcissist, calls me my mother (which is a whole different ball game) and purposely hurting BH and our children

I have had issues with emotions and expressing them as anger since i was a child. Ever since D-Day I can't seem to go more than 2 days without exploding at everyone or feeling so depressed ad it effects everyone around me. I try my hardest not to react to BH's sadness, betrayl, hurt or anger. I am still working on this. Yet because I still react to his pain BH has said that it "feels like I am not allowed anger only you".

Now I am not sure why I'm posting. I have read the self help posts yet not one talks about how to do them when combined with ASD and possible BPD....... We also have some other compounding issues. Essentially apart from BH the only other thing that kept me grounded and sane has been ripped away and it has torn me to peices and BH. With this out of our hands issue now my head is freaking out on me and it is hurting BH and those around me. I know for a fact that my loss of control over my emotions is due to this issue and would still exist even if I had never cheated.

BH is always sending me links to help me with being able to help him. Unfortunately BH will almost immediately backtrack and say "if you even care"

So I guess what I'm asking here is what can I do to improve the way I am so I can help BH

There is much more info, This is just a small summary. there is tons and tons more.

Side note: AP is in America I am in Australia Everything was all online only. Blocked AP everywhere

[This message edited by WTDIEC at 12:53 AM, Wednesday, August 31st]

WW: WTDIEC (early 30's)
BH: RustyPuff (early 30's)
Together: 17 years
Children: 3 Girls 2 Boys
D-Day: June 21 2022
Still learning
Timeline in my story

posts: 26   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2022   ·   location: Australia
id 8752694
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WalkinOnEggshelz ( Administrator #29447) posted at 11:45 AM on Monday, August 29th, 2022

First, I want to welcome you to SI. Making that first post is a great step. Healing from an affair is one of the hardest things you can do. You will have to face truths about yourself that will be painful but if you stick with it, it can also be rewarding.

I recommend making a timeline of your affair. Your BH will have a lot of questions and a timeline can help with that along with showing consistency.

I also recommend reading How to Help your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda J McDonald. Another helpful read is Not Just Friends.

Shame is a natural part of the healing process but you will need to learn to step away from it and understand it in order to heal. To make this work you will need to learn to be vulnerable and empathetic, honest and transparent, and authentic. Easy to say but much harder to do.

Posting here was a good first step. Weekends are slow so be patient. Others will be along to help as we head into the week.

Me: WS late 40’s
Him: BH (HoldingTogether)
D Day: 7/24/2010
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

posts: 15456   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2010   ·   location: Texas
id 8752799
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DaddyDom ( member #56960) posted at 6:56 PM on Monday, August 29th, 2022

WTDIEC,

Welcome to SI. There is a wonderful community here that can offer you a lot of advice and support if you'll allow us to. You should also expect some "tough honesty" as well, which is a good thing, despite it being difficult to hear sometimes. The aftermath of infidelity is brutal, as you already know. There are going to be a lot of tears and arguments and hurtful things both done and said in the coming months, and a good rule of thumb is that it takes 2-5 years to "recover" from infidelity. So my first piece of advice is to simply to get an idea of what's to come and what it will take if you wish to recover in whatever way you can. People tend to do better when they have their expectations set correctly. For example, if someone were to break their knee, that injury would take months (at best) to heal, and no amount of doctors or medicines could speed up the healing process. It heals at its own pace, and if we try to speed that pace up, we end up doing more injury than good. Recovery from infidelity is like that... it heals on its own time.

It feels like BH loves to remind me of it any chance BH can. If I have a negative emotion BH reminds me what I did to him. Which just makes me feel like I am not allowed to feel anything because I hurt BH and because of me hurting BH I am not allowed to feel anything. BH is what matters. I shouldn't care about me.

Every WS experiences these feelings. It can be really confusing and feel very hurtful at first. It's not that you don't have a right to your own feelings, you absolutely do, rather, it's that your feelings aren't relevant to him at the moment, nor should they be. The best way to explain this is with an example. Imagine that you get mugged, and the mugger punches you hard in the face over and over again. Afterward, as you are on the ground bleeding, swollen and in horrible pain, you plead with your attacker to call an ambulance, and he responds by telling you how much pain his hand is in from beating you, and how misunderstood he feels about being a mugger, and how you really need to stop making this all about you, because he's really the one hurting right now. How does that sit with you? Do you care that his hand hurts? Do you care about his need to be the best mugger he can be? Do you feel guilty for asking for an ambulance?

From your spouse's point of view, your feelings, hurts and concerns don't really matter very much right now, and that's not a comment on your spouse, but rather, the reality of infidelity. He essentially got mugged, and since you are the one that mugged him, responding by telling him your hurts and fears actually comes off as selfish and uncaring, just like the mugger above. Your husband doesn't care that you are sorry... because you SHOULD be sorry. You being sorry solves nothing, what your husband needs to know is:

* What are you going to do about it?

* What's changed or changing about you, such that you would be a safer/better person to be around now?

* Do you even "get" how their entire world, their sense of trust, of love, of safety... how all of that was destroyed, by you?

* Are you worth the risk of even considering R or any kind of future relationship?

And in addition to those things, which are about you, he needs to decide what he wants, who he is now, what he believes in, and a thousand other little pieces of life that have to be put back together again. And you cannot help him in that regard. The best way to help him to heal, is to simply not make things worse. So no TT, no getting defensive, no rug sweeping, and no heavy demands. Answer his questions, volunteer any details that he needs to know, and make sure to go get some therapy, join a support group, read some books and whatever else you can do to start figuring out why you cheated in the first place. This should be the start of a long period of learning for you.

BH says I don't have to prove myself and that everything else "good" outweighs what I did, This so far has been proven completely wrong. I get in a depressive or self-loathing mood and this is what BH says to me: I'm just a liar, a whore, a bitch, a cheater, a psychopath, deranged, a narcissist, calls me my mother (which is a whole different ball game) and purposely hurting BH and our children

This is difficult. I think you'll get different opinions on this, and bear in mind, none of us are there where you are, so bear that in mind. That being said, this type of talk is not unusual after infidelity. For most people, this kind of talk is usually short-lived and not unexpected. It's just anger and hurt coming out, and as much as it hurts to hear, it has its purposes. It's not a bad thing for the BS to express the anger and hurt they have inside and let it out, it actually allows them to process the hurt, and in so doing, heal faster. As a WS, while it hurts to hear those words, it's important to understand the depth of pain that we inflicted to incite those responses from our spouses. No one deserves to be called a slut or a whore, however at the same time, no one deserves to be cheated on, lied to and hurt for no reason either. So allowing for a little grace for forgiveness is paramount. If the abusive words and behavior continue for a long time however, or if things escalate, then come back and post for advice.

Now I am not sure why I'm posting. I have read the self help posts yet not one talks about how to do them when combined with ASD and possible BPD.

How do you do anything combined with ASD and BPD? I say this to you with friendship... don't allow yourself to make excuses to fail or to not try. Just last week I saw a blind kid that was skiing down a treacherous mountain pass with only his father's voice to guide him. I mean... wtf? If he can do that, than anyone can overcome their challenges. I have complex PTSD, severe depression and anxiety, was sexually abused as a child, was diagnosed with BPD, and have "fractured personalities" (similar to DID)... and yet, I managed to recover thus far. It took me a long, long time and involved a lot of hard work, failure and frustrations. But I did it, and so can you. To be honest, the fact that you have BPD should be a starting point for you. Talk to your therapist, and pose the question, "What contributed to my BPD, and how did that contribute to my decision to betray my spouse?" You didn't have an affair because you were bored and there was nothing on TV that day. You were looking to fulfill some need, be it positive or negative. The first step is in identifying that need/those needs and dealing with them. And in doing so, guess what? It helps answer those questions above about, "What are you going to do about it?" and, "What has changed?"

[This message edited by DaddyDom at 6:58 PM, Monday, August 29th]

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1309   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017
id 8752843
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BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 9:11 PM on Monday, August 29th, 2022

Hi WTDIEC,

I see that some of our most experienced and compassionate WS have already reached out to you, but I'm not sure anyone has said this yet. Suicide is never the answer. If you are considering an attempt, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. This is your top priority. It is not selfish to get help. The selfish act would be leaving your BH to cope with loss and guilt on top of betrayal.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 9:14 PM, Monday, August 29th]

WW/BW

posts: 2904   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8752860
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 WTDIEC (original poster new member #80750) posted at 11:28 PM on Monday, August 29th, 2022

Shame is a natural part of the healing process but you will need to learn to step away from it and understand it in order to heal. To make this work you will need to learn to be vulnerable and empathetic, honest and transparent, and authentic. Easy to say but much harder to do

Thank you I have been working hard on this, It is harder said than done. I am doing my best to step away from me.

You should also expect some "tough honesty" as well, which is a good thing, despite it being difficult to hear sometimes.

This is eactly why I came here. I need to hear the tough love

From your spouse's point of view, your feelings, hurts and concerns don't really matter very much right now, and that's not a comment on your spouse, but rather, the reality of infidelity. He essentially got mugged, and since you are the one that mugged him, responding by telling him your hurts and fears actually comes off as selfish and uncaring, just like the mugger above

I am learning to put my emotions aside. It is hard but I think.... I'm getting a little better at it

* What are you going to do about it?

That is why I am here to get some tips on what I can do. I have gotten John Gottman's - The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. 5 love Languages and have also Copies what a WS needs to know from here

* What's changed or changing about you, such that you would be a safer/better person to be around now?

I am in the process of getting IC for myself to make me a better safer/person to be around

* Do you even "get" how their entire world, their sense of trust, of love, of safety... how all of that was destroyed, by you?

I get that I was the one to cause him the pain, betrayl, hurt, and changed his whole worls view. I am just hoping that we can have some calm-ish talks about how I can help him

* Are you worth the risk of even considering R or any kind of future relationship?

I hope I am. Yet it really comes down to if that is what he wants. I will not try to make him R with me.

I have complex PTSD, severe depression and anxiety, was sexually abused as a child, was diagnosed with BPD, and have "fractured personalities" (similar to DID)... and yet, I managed to recover thus far. It took me a long, long time and involved a lot of hard work, failure and frustrations. But I did it, and so can you. To be honest, the fact that you have BPD should be a starting point for you.

This resonated with me really hard. I will indeed seek out advice about my issues in IC

I see that some of our most experienced and compassionate WS have already reached out to you, but I'm not sure anyone has said this yet. Suicide is never the answer. If you are considering an attempt, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. This is your top priority. It is not selfish to get help. The selfish act would be leaving your BH to cope with loss and guilt on top of betrayal.

I have reached out to mu countries lifeline and it has helped me put things into a better perspective

Also I think that in his efforts to help me with my existing issues pre-A and to understand I feel that he has been putting his own feelings aside. I have expressed my want for him to not do this as he needs it from me not the other way around

Thank you everyone for all your advice and thoughts. I welcome more if they come.

[This message edited by WTDIEC at 11:35 PM, Monday, August 29th]

WW: WTDIEC (early 30's)
BH: RustyPuff (early 30's)
Together: 17 years
Children: 3 Girls 2 Boys
D-Day: June 21 2022
Still learning
Timeline in my story

posts: 26   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2022   ·   location: Australia
id 8752880
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EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 12:03 AM on Tuesday, August 30th, 2022

I have gotten John Gottman's - The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. 5 love Languages and have also Copies what a WS needs to know from here

BW here. Just my 0.02, but put those first two down for right now. Instead pick up How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair and Not Just Friends.

Not that Gottman or the love languages are bad per se, but right now you and your BH aren't even on the same page - you're in different books, in different libraries, on opposite ends of the country. My and my xwh's "therapy" was the therapist handing over the 5 love languages and telling me to "let the past be the past" in regards to my xwh's affair. To analogize, love languages/Gottman are for repainting the house after a fire but for your BH right now the house is still actively burning down so he really can't care about picking out a paint color. HTHYSHFYA and NJF are for putting the fire OUT and helping you to come to terms with where he's at. And speaking as a BS, he is gonna be all over the place for a while. I can imagine it's hard and frustrating for you, but I assure you it's normal.

Most of all for me it would have helped having my xwh show SOME initiative towards dealing with the choices he made. He did a lot of shame spiraling and hand-wringing after his A and it just infuriated me. Because not only then was I dealing with my own self being an absolute wreck, then I was expected to also pet his feelings and tell HIM what to do. There were days I had no idea what to do for myself, so having to do for someone else was nigh on to impossible. Point of that is that showing up here and engaging with fellow waywards like WalkinonEggshelz and DaddyDom is a great first step. But don't stop there. Read everything. Listen to podcasts. Find articles. Discuss with your BH about things you're learning about YOU while doing all that. Put as much effort into healing yourself and empathizing with your BH as you did into your A. Doing that consistently over time is how you help his healing.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park

posts: 3561   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8752886
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 WTDIEC (original poster new member #80750) posted at 2:23 AM on Tuesday, August 30th, 2022

Discuss with your BH about things you're learning about YOU while doing all that.


I have been discussing everything with him. I have even given him the link to this post so he can read what I've written and tell me his thoughts on everything.
I have been having in depth conversations with him on what he needs from me while at the same time writing down everything (as I have very poor short term memory) I go back over the notes daily.
He has also been sending me songs as he finds that music is much easier for him to express his feelings. He has ADHD and PTSD from childhood emotional trauma.
Our combined childhood neglect and traumas is what made us friends in the first place. We were friends well before we were ever a couple.
I have been going back to those days and reflecting on what has changed in me and our relationship over the years as he has said he would like to see some of the woman I was before the birth control messed with my hormones and mental health.

WW: WTDIEC (early 30's)
BH: RustyPuff (early 30's)
Together: 17 years
Children: 3 Girls 2 Boys
D-Day: June 21 2022
Still learning
Timeline in my story

posts: 26   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2022   ·   location: Australia
id 8752902
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