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Newest Member: Goku06

Divorce/Separation :
Seeking advice

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 Beagle (original poster member #79560) posted at 3:42 AM on Tuesday, August 23rd, 2022

WW we’re divorced June 10th. I’ve remained in the marital home per the divorce agreement and will be closing on my new home on the 2nd. My WW is a covert narc/ serial cheater and for many years liked and cheated. Probably our entire marriage. There have been moments even now where she is down right cruel and spiteful. I keep it civil and as cordial as I can . We have two kids together and joint spilt 50/50 physical custody. She has offered to help me set up my new place a few times and I said no thank you. She also asked if I wanted to go to Disney with her and the kids and I gently said no thank you. I walk on egg shells around her. Do my question is would I be wrong for not letting her step foot in my new house? I really don’t want her toxicity anywhere near me or my life. I also don’t want to set a bad example for our kids. I will go above and beyond to coparent well but I just can’t stomach the idea of her in my new home.

Beagle

posts: 80   ·   registered: Nov. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: United States
id 8751562
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 4:00 AM on Tuesday, August 23rd, 2022

A good space is your safe place. Don’t let her "contaminate it". It is your place, your refuge, your retreat.

You do not need to let her in. Ever.
(I mean kid emergency maybe, but not for drop offs or anything).

Good luck on the closing on the 2nd and congrats early on getting out of IHS.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4966   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8751564
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fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 4:06 AM on Tuesday, August 23rd, 2022

You are divorced. Your home is your safe space and it would certainly be wise to start to draw boundaries with your exWW. You should not be walking on eggshells around her. You are divorced and there is no need to worry about her reactions. If she gets upset when you set boundaries: tough! She is taking your cordiality as weakness and she will push your boundaries. It is one thing to be civil with your lying, cheating EX, and to cooperate for the good of the children when necessary, but being cordial is a bridge too far for me. You are trying to heal from her betrayals. As little contact as needed and gray rock is warranted. Focus on you and your children, and your future. She is a toxic and destructive force. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 10:07 PM, August 22nd (Monday)]

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3258   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8751566
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 9:14 AM on Tuesday, August 23rd, 2022

She’s not your friend. You owe her nothing.

And there is nothing wrong with keeping her out of your new home.

It’s called "boundaries". Maybe she should look it up in the dictionary 🤣🤣

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12495   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8751588
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 2:20 PM on Tuesday, August 23rd, 2022

What you describe is very typical of people that divorce. I don’t have any data, but I even think it’s more common from the instigator of the divorce or the reason for divorce.
Like your wife. She cheated. We all know – she included – that it’s something that one shouldn’t do and is a very valid reason for divorce. Only it’s better for her to maintain that she cheated because the marriage was doomed anyways and it wasn’t really so bad because she and Beagle still visit and have coffee and do Thanksgiving together and all that…

In reality – if there were no kids – most people simply drift away… If amicable enough then maybe if you see your ex five years from now you might catch up, or maybe just pretend you didn’t notice her. I haven’t seen my ex in person for over 20 years and probably wouldn’t recognize her if I did.

You need some relationship due to the kids. It’s better that is amicable, but it’s OK for it not to be so right now. It’s OK to tell her that you want distance to heal. It’s OK to meet in public spaces to discuss child-issues, it’s OK for hand-overs to be at school or no deeper into the homes than the foyer. Maybe 12 – 24 months from now things might change. But it’s highly unlikely that you two will ever bond as friends.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10918   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8751601
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homewrecked2011 ( member #34678) posted at 11:20 PM on Tuesday, August 23rd, 2022

I told my children our safe space was the boundaries of our property.

Never let her into your new space. You can do kid drop offs at her place or she can get them at the road.

Of course she’s gonna pout bc she wants everything her way. Show your children you can’t be pushed around.

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55

posts: 5439   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2012
id 8751740
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ButAnyway ( member #79085) posted at 10:46 PM on Wednesday, August 24th, 2022

My XW and I had no relationship whatsoever. There were a handful of phone calls when NECESSARY regarding kid issues, but neither of us set foot inside the others home post D. I have stepped on her porch during exchanges, but that was it.

We were so different, we didn’t even co-parent, but parented separately, and FTR, both are successful contributing members of society with grounded grandchildren and intact first M’s.

Also, although she originally got physical custody, both came to live with me as soon as the courts would recognize their wishes.

So don’t buy into the BS that you need to remain cordial in order to effectively co-parent. There are many ways to be an effective father without sacrificing your own core beliefs.

posts: 134   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2021
id 8751963
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