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Cognitive Dissonance vs Duplicity

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 DobleTraicion (original poster member #78414) posted at 12:31 AM on Monday, September 5th, 2022

I'm sorry but this is somewhat incorrect. It does not REMAIN uncomfortable permanently.

I also kind of disagree - I don’t think CD has to be uncomfortable. And I also know as a ws that it can be uncomfortable. I would break a boundary and cry and feel awful and then still go back for my ego kibbles.

Ok, now, here too is a new thought to me but it ties into the sedating quality of CD for both the WS and the BS. Call is what you will, sedating, numbing, obscuring (pain, guilt, shame, etc.), it CLEARLY greases the wheels of the progress of the A. The scary thing for me too is that much of this kind of talk is addiction verbiage which I guess is no shocker given what weve all heard, seen and read about A's being addictive. I just never thought of CD playing that kind of part in the A process. This would also connect with Oldwounds' observations about compartmentalizing enabled by CD.

I couldn’t have done R by living in CD or compartmentalization forever.

Yeh, sheer pain and misery pierced that for me, my aforementioned learned behaviors notwithstanding.

I have much more to learn.

Thank you all.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 10:58 AM, Monday, September 5th]

"You'd figure that in modern times, people wouldn't feel the need to get married if they didn't agree with the agenda"

~ lascarx

posts: 92   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: South
id 8753905
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 DobleTraicion (original poster member #78414) posted at 1:38 AM on Friday, September 9th, 2022

Thought I would return and redress the topic of this thread. I came here in search of a bit more clarity as to duplicity and cognitive dissonance and the role they play in the affair. I had struggled for years with the concept of CD and was entrenched in the "it is nothing but pure soulless duplicity" camp. After recent tragic events involving infidelity in the lives of people very close to me and the loss of one, it caused me to rethink/reexamine this concept once again and after reading the thoughts of posters on this thread and other fWSs and fBSs that have graciously shared their thoughts and experiences with me, I have come to a place in my understanding that includes both concepts. I do now believe that both come to play in the the progression of infidelity.

In addition to the above, I have been challenged, gently so, by some who have pointed out that I am still looking for closure for my decades old betrayal and I freely admit that this is true in part. I seek a greater measure of closure concerning important issues that may have played a part in that betrayal for which I will never be able to obtain from those who betrayed me as they have since passed on.

In my pursuit of answers, I have also been challenged by some related concepts on this thread that got my wheels turning such as the role that CD may play in the life of the BS and hikingout's

Especially ones who accepted poor behavior for years prior to the A. There is a need to understand why they self abandoned and put up with it to be with that person. That’s about changing present and future behavior.

All great and enlightening input.

Thank you all.

"You'd figure that in modern times, people wouldn't feel the need to get married if they didn't agree with the agenda"

~ lascarx

posts: 92   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: South
id 8754453
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 DobleTraicion (original poster member #78414) posted at 12:11 AM on Sunday, September 25th, 2022

I HAD to return here to relate a quote from a BH that illustrates the transmitted cognitive dissonance that a poster here had mentioned. This from a BH, "So you see, when I’m posting on here and sound all together...I’m not. I'm screwed up so bad I can’t have a normal conversation with her two days in row. I am mad but I feel the need to defend her. I miss her but can’t stand seeing her. I love her but I can’t touch her. I honestly feel like I am splitting into two people."

This. Is. Exactly. It.

I had to put this somewhere.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 12:12 AM, Sunday, September 25th]

"You'd figure that in modern times, people wouldn't feel the need to get married if they didn't agree with the agenda"

~ lascarx

posts: 92   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: South
id 8756937
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 DobleTraicion (original poster member #78414) posted at 2:59 AM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

Just returning to post that Im still wrangling with this issue.

If any stumble upon this thread,I leave you with this passage from Invictus:

"In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud,

Under the bludgeonings of chance My head is bloody, but unbowed.

So don't bow your head, don't settle for cheats, don't surrender your morality and no matter how painful it is, walk with your heads held high, because otherwise life isn't worth living."

~ William Ernest Henley

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 4:24 AM, Wednesday, November 23rd]

"You'd figure that in modern times, people wouldn't feel the need to get married if they didn't agree with the agenda"

~ lascarx

posts: 92   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: South
id 8766386
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 5:52 PM on Wednesday, November 23rd, 2022

** Posting as a member **

Hmmm...I agree that one chooses to live by a moral code, but I also know that most (all?) people violate that code again and again. I like 'think straight, talk straight, act straight', for example, but I blow that by thinking extremely selfishly multiple times a day. I complain bitterly about dodgers named in 'The Dodger' song. I personally wouldn't murder any of the above, but I might not mourn them, even though I know the song says, 'and I'm a dodger, too.'

So how can any of us expect someone else to meet one's own standards if one doesn't meet them oneself?

And if one does, one will be pretty lonely, because no one is as moral as we tell ourselves to be. Remember, there are reports that Mother Theresa wasn't all that nice to her staff....

So you see, when I’m posting on here and sound all together...I’m not.

Of course. That applies to virtually everyone who looks like they're together.

I'm screwed up so bad I can’t have a normal conversation with her two days in row.

I think you have to accept that as part of being betrayed.

I am mad but I feel the need to defend her. I miss her but can’t stand seeing her. I love her but I can’t touch her. I honestly feel like I am splitting into two people.

Consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds? smile IOW, if you're inconsistent with your WS, you're closer to being healthy than if you're consistent, until a lot if healing has been done.

*****

IOW, the rules we grow up with don't help much in dealing with infidelity

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:57 PM, Wednesday, November 23rd]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27872   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8766474
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 DobleTraicion (original poster member #78414) posted at 11:51 AM on Friday, November 25th, 2022

** Posting as a member **

Hmmm...I agree that one chooses to live by a moral code, but I also know that most (all?) people violate that code again and again. I like 'think straight, talk straight, act straight', for example, but I blow that by thinking extremely selfishly multiple times a day. I complain bitterly about dodgers named in 'The Dodger' song. I personally wouldn't murder any of the above, but I might not mourn them, even though I know the song says, 'and I'm a dodger, too.'

So how can any of us expect someone else to meet one's own standards if one doesn't meet them oneself?

And if one does, one will be pretty lonely, because no one is as moral as we tell ourselves to be. Remember, there are reports that Mother Theresa wasn't all that nice to her staff....

So you see, when I’m posting on here and sound all together...I’m not.

Of course. That applies to virtually everyone who looks like they're together.

I'm screwed up so bad I can’t have a normal conversation with her two days in row.

I think you have to accept that as part of being betrayed.

I am mad but I feel the need to defend her. I miss her but can’t stand seeing her. I love her but I can’t touch her. I honestly feel like I am splitting into two people.

Consistency is the hobgoblin of small minds? IOW, if you're inconsistent with your WS, you're closer to being healthy than if you're consistent, until a lot if healing has been done.

*****

IOW, the rules we grow up with don't help much in dealing with infidelity

Hey sisoon, was the above meant for this thread? Trying to place your quotes.

"You'd figure that in modern times, people wouldn't feel the need to get married if they didn't agree with the agenda"

~ lascarx

posts: 92   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: South
id 8766662
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 8:09 PM on Friday, November 25th, 2022

Morality refers to your Henley quotation on 11/22 'don't surrender your moral code'. The other quotes are from the post of 9/24 - 'This from a BH....'

BTW, I'm not trying to argue you out of angst, just to offer an additional point from which to view issues and a point from which you may gain additional insight.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 8:09 PM, Friday, November 25th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27872   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8766725
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 DobleTraicion (original poster member #78414) posted at 10:17 PM on Friday, November 25th, 2022

Morality refers to your Henley quotation on 11/22 'don't surrender your moral code'. The other quotes are from the post of 9/24 - 'This from a BH....'

BTW, I'm not trying to argue you out of angst, just to offer an additional point from which to view issues and a point from which you may gain additional insight.

Ah.....got it now. Thanks for the clarification.

For now....my angst continues. Not pointedly anymore, just working for a deeper understanding of this conundrum.

"You'd figure that in modern times, people wouldn't feel the need to get married if they didn't agree with the agenda"

~ lascarx

posts: 92   ·   registered: Mar. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: South
id 8766733
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