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New Beginnings :
Great new relationship, old triggers. Help!


 Devastated (original poster member #102) posted at 7:01 AM on Tuesday, August 2nd, 2022

Hey all,

I need your help again! I have not been on this site in many years, I moved on from my XW and pretty much was single for over 9 years after my first she cheated over 20+ times and I was too stupid and denying all the red flags that were obviously right there. I finally broke the ice and found someone that was great! We have now been married for 9 years. Everything has been amazing during this time until last week. I started having issues where I would hear music when none was playing and it started keeping me awake at night. The first night I thought I heard my wife playing with herself, I kind of brushed it off knowing that it might have not been the case. Second night again I can't sleep and hear it again. After starting to hear it again, I turned over to my back as she was facing away from me which is normal when we sleep and I seen her quickly move her hand away. After this the next day I asked if she was playing with her self, and she said she was not. I asked if she was hiding anything and she said no. Of course I know this was a lie after hearing and seeing what I did. She then went on to say that she had an itch, which would have been fine if not for the 5-15 minute time frame and the increased breathing.

This of course started the spiral with all my emotions and detective mode kicking in from my past marriage. I started not only not being able to sleep just listening but started wondering with if she got messages, etc. I've been starting to over analyze everything, from little things to if she starts moving her hand that way under a blanket if that is what she is doing. I have talked with her and tried to not get angry or upset but it's been really hard. I'm working on getting counseling since I now realize I'm still having trouble coping with everything from my past marriage, I explained about how her lie triggered me, and that I'm doing my best to not overthink things. I love my wife and want to do everything I can to make our marriage work, but there's a part of me in my gut that tells me what I saw was the truth. She started with the I'm hearing things, crazy, or it's in my head. I'm getting counseling to be sure that's not the case, but at the same time, I feel like for what ever reason she is denying it, and I told her I don't really care if she was or not, it's the fact she lied about it that is bothering me. We have been arguing for the past week, and it always seems to circle back to the initial issue. We are at an impasse with it, she keeps swearing she is not, but my gut says she was and I'm standing my ground.

I wanted to also note that we rarely have sex anymore and I feel like if this was the case, that it would be the reasoning for her not being in the mood.

I could use some advice on this. I will be speaking to my counselor next week when I start my sessions but this forum has been a lifesaver with my first marriage and the multiple times I was cheated on with finally getting divorced to finding the amazing wife I have now.

Thanks in advance.


posts: 204   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2002   ·   location: Copperas Cove, TX
id 8748010

MegMeg ( new member #79978) posted at 7:43 PM on Wednesday, August 3rd, 2022

It sound like some communications are in order. You have some baggage you're holding on to and your current marriage is in the dumps. You're right to be concerned. You don't really say how you feel about your lack of physical intimacy. Time for both of you to talk, open up, and stress how much she means to you. Don't dwell on the fibbing - she's embarrassed. Maybe listen to a pod cast together. Try Foreplay Radio. No, it's not dirty talk, it's couple's therapy talk.

Me: BS | Him: WS | Children: Grown | Married: 36 years

posts: 50   ·   registered: Feb. 20th, 2022   ·   location: Pulling myself out of the mire
id 8748159

BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 8:29 PM on Wednesday, August 3rd, 2022

Yeah, it feels like time for some MC or just good open conversation with your wife.
And yes, address your triggers. This stuff just sneaks up and gets us when we least expect it.

Good luck.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4886   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8748163

 Devastated (original poster member #102) posted at 9:26 PM on Wednesday, August 3rd, 2022

Thanks for all the advice! We have been speaking and trying to work on things and they always seem back to the start. During our talks she finally confided that she has done it when I’ve been at work. I have been considering couple counseling and have been opening up for and saying how I feel, like She not attracted to me anymore since she don’t want to be intimate with me. We had a good long talk last night and things were great till I ended up in the er due to high blood pressure and anxiety issues due to me overthinking again. I will try to she if she wants to do counseling together and I will check out that pod cast! I’m trying so hard but I don’t know why I keep going back to the initial problem. I’m scared there’s more since it took taking for over a week for her to say she was at least in some regard.

Thanks again


posts: 204   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2002   ·   location: Copperas Cove, TX
id 8748170

BeingNaive ( member #30652) posted at 5:25 PM on Thursday, August 4th, 2022

Just a few questions because I'm a little confused.

Is the initial issue that you heard music playing when none was on? Or her denying what she was doing?

Did you heard music on both nights?

Isn't is possible she was watching porn and you were hearing the very low music from that?

I think the reason these issues are hitting you so badly are because 1. You're feeling insecure about the lack of sex and affection and 2. She LIED to you.

I don't care if she was embarrassed. She lied to you and then proceeded with the gaslighting. I personally would require MC. Maybe some will say I'm being too harsh in how I view it, but I have ZERO tolerance for my SO or spouse lying to me about anything. I wouldn't be telling her how much she means to me. I'd tell her to show me how much I mean to her by getting into MC and her dealing with lying and gaslighting of you.

posts: 276   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2011   ·   location: Michigan
id 8748209

 Devastated (original poster member #102) posted at 2:34 AM on Friday, August 5th, 2022

The initial problem was hearing the music, that kept me awake to hear and see the rest. Both nights were the same that the music kept me up and I wanted to confirm over more than one night. I was able to confirm there was nothing in the area that would make the music. We’re working on counseling separate for both our issues. I was cheated on in my previous marriage and she survived an abusing one. I appreciate the advice and agree the lie hurt the most after everything I went through before. Hope that helps clarify the situation a little better.


posts: 204   ·   registered: Jun. 13th, 2002   ·   location: Copperas Cove, TX
id 8748261
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