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Newest Member: Momof2greatadults

Just Found Out :
Found out 2 weeks ago, but still reeling

helpless

 Blueberry87 (original poster new member #80447) posted at 5:45 AM on Friday, July 22nd, 2022

Hello, I've found out two weeks ago, and I'm not even sure why I'm posting this, but maybe I just need to feel less lonely and foolish. I appreciate both support and validation, as well as any advice if anybody's kind enough to offer.

Here goes. (If you don't want to read the back story, skip the first 5 paragraphs below--but I tell all this cause I think it's important context for what happened later, and probably because I need to get our whole story off my chest.)

My husband and I used to be mates since 2014, but in 2016 we started dating. It was pretty great for the first year, honestly, wonderful--I've never felt so much love and acceptance before, even from my parents (which is sad). Then we started having more fights, usually about his inability to stand up to his friends when they were making me uncomfortable (e.g., repeatedly calling me by his ex's name, making homophobic jokes--I'm out as bi). Then he also wouldn't introduce me to his parents, since they were disapproving of me being several years older than him. He also kept being wishy-washy about the time frame of us moving together, getting married, even though he swore that's something he also really wanted with me. I was brushing everything under the rug because otherwise the relationship was making me so happy. At some point I even asked him, if your parents give you an ultimatum, will you choose me? He promised yes.

Of course, what happened later was that his (conservative) family found out I was bisexual and out, and gave him an ultimatum, that he should break up with me, or his whole family (including extended) will disown him. Even his grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. called him and all said this same thing. He caved under pressure and left me, telling me he can't reject his family. To say I was devastated does not fully express how I felt. To finally believe I was deserving of love, affection, unconditional acceptance thanks to him (I've had some mental health issues in my life, stemming from childhood trauma, also a history of depression), and then for him to just abandon me, nearly destroyed me. I couldn't let him go for a few weeks, alternating between blaming him for cowardice and betrayal, and then begging him to be strong for us and resist his family's abuse. Several times he would come back only to break again and leave me once more. Eventually I stopped trying, but after that he actually got support of his friends and stood up to his family (it was bad, there was physical abuse involved). He returned to me, we reconciled, moved in together.

When we were deciding to get back together, I told him, "I haven't forgiven you yet. I don't trust you right now. Do you promise to earn my trust back? I really need you to be extra loving, caring, attentive for a while, so I can trust you're really back. I need you to show you're sorry for the pain you caused me. And I don't know how long it will take. Are you ready for this?" He promised yes to everything. But it was an empty promise, because he was so traumatised and wounded from the whole family ordeal, he actually didn't have it in him to give me all the things that I needed. Cue almost a year of constant fights about him breaking his promises, while he would yell I don't understand him and the pain he's in.

Then the unexpected and unplanned happened--I got pregnant. I knew immediately I wanted the baby, but he was scared and wanted me to abort. I said I would keep the baby with or without him, but we also talked about his fears of keeping it, talked practical ways of managing pregnancy/parenting, and in a few days he changed his mind and was on board. Several months passed, and I waited for him to propose, since we decided to have a baby. He never said anything and eventually I said myself, well let's get married then if we're gonna be a family? He agreed. At this point I was full of so much deep-seated pain of him not fulfilling his promises and not showing outward expressions of committment. He later said he had felt so much self-loathing he just didn't feel like he was worthy of proposing to me, like he had nothing to offer to me (he was a medical student at the time, his only income his stipend--this also factored in to his feelings of inadequacy, although I always reassured him that wasn't something that was that important to me. With his stipend and my TA salary, we made enough, and that was fine with me.)

But at least something changed--we stopped having all the awful fights. He suddenly became extremely caring and loving, like I always asked him to be, and my pregnancy was full of joy and love. We welcomed our baby girl and became a family, and for a few years I was happy and started to feel mostly secure. But I was still carrying that abandonment wound, I felt like I wasn't chosen, that I had to beg him to come back, that I never got the experience of a proposal or a joyful pregnancy announcement, that at every point if I had let go and stopped fighting, we would just lose the relationship cause he didn't take initiative. From time to time I would bring this pain back, voice it to him but I always felt like nothing he said closed that wound. I wanted him to do something, a romantic gesture, more words of love and appreciation, but he always said those things just don't come naturally to him, and wouldn't really try. I understand now I had a filter for the negative and I didn't appreciate enough the things he did do, which were more practical, acts-of-service type of stuff. I also wasn't good at bringing things up in a compassionate/vulnerable way, instead expressing my needs through blame and criticism.

But then with the birth of my daughter, these things kind of took a backseat (at least for me), I was fully in the maternal role, and then I went back to a pretty demanding job (university faculty), and the pandemic hit. I was constantly tired, overwhelmed and extremely isolated. It happened so my closest friends left the country, and most of my family was in another city. My husband was pretty much my sole source of emotional closeness and comfort. I didn't understand that that was a burden to him, cause he never expressed this. During our fights, he would always be the first to take a step towards me to reconcile; I thought he did it out of generosity of his heart, as well as his higher emotional strength/stability (ha!). Turns out, he was appeasing every time to keep me happy and to just stop the fight, but he was building resentment that I wouldn't take responsibility. He never communicated this to me during calm times. I lived in a reality where our life was mostly good and happy.

October last year, he told me this female colleague of hers, his former groupmate from his Master's program, was becoming a close friend. I said, great. As a bi person, I don't believe in the "no opposite gender friends" thing. If we can't be friends with the gender we're attracted to, then that leaves me with no friends at all! So, I'm naturally not a jealous person. I trusted my husband implicitly. But then I started getting increasingly horrible feelings when I'd notice he texted her all the time. By that point he and I had several big fights and he was very distant--but his face would just light up when he'd see a message from her. I brought it up to him, with no blame, said I trust him still, but it's making me feel very bad. He got very offended and withdrawn. After this it was months of me noticing something about their "friendship" that made me scared and hurt, and him dismissing it, telling me I should just trust him. I was feeling so crazy I went to therapy to work on my jealousy. I started telling him, it's probably that old abandonment wound from when you left me, maybe I'm still afraid, deep down, that you'll leave me again. My therapist gave us an exercise to work out couple boundaries. He promised that his friendship with this woman doesn't cross any of those boundaries, and if it would ever cross that line, to please trust that he would stop it all himself. I believed him.

Yet, he grew more and more withdrawn. I begged him to work on our relationship. We tried a couple of couples counsellors but we didn't like them, and then when we found one we both liked, he started postponing the appointments. We bought a new apartment at that time and were in the process of renovating and moving. He constantly said he was tired, that he needed time. I was feeling like I was dying for months, I really needed to feel connected to him, close, loved, needed. He wouldn't really talk to me, he would often ignore me when I cried every night, saying he didn't have it in him to offer me the emotional support that I wanted. I kept going to therapy, working on my issues, desperate for a solution, desperate to change myself. It led me to realise that he was in a lot of pain because of me bringing up the past break-up. That he'd been living under so much guilt. Once I realised that, I told him, I forgive you, I let go of all resentment, I'm not gonna hold you under this weight of blame anymore, I want you to be free, to choose to be with me freely, not out of guilt. I even left for my hometown for a few weeks to give him space, cause he kept saying he couldn't think while near me.

While I was there, he apparently called that girl over because he needed help around the house and emotional support, and spent time with just the two of them in our new apartment. I was really hurt that he would do this when our relationship was so fragile. Also before this, he had promised he woudn't be close friends with her, for our sake. He shut down when I expressed hurt over this. But still, I wanted to make it work so bad. I stopped bringing it up, I stopped asking him to work on our relationship (he kept saying he wanted to work on it, but would say no to all my suggestions, like counselling, or reading books together, or listening to podcasts, or whatever, anything. he wouldn't even touch me.) We agreed to separate for a few months, calm down, let some of the acute hurts go, then proceed more calmly.

The jealousy wasn't letting me go though. I was in so much pain because of it, and I blamed myself all the time for not being able to let it go. Because I thought, I trust him. I know he wouldn't be able to deceive me, he's just not that kind of person. I told myself, he's trying in his own way. He's in so much pain. I was trying to just interact with him normally, let go of all demands and pressure. But then I just couldn't ignore this feeling that something is wrong anymore. I asked him, "do you hang out with her still, talk to her?" He said, holding my hand, and looking into my eyes, "no". I asked him to show me their chat history. The panic that hit him really should've told me everything then. He said okay but kept retreating to the bathroom, clearly erasing stuff. But I was able to see enough anyway. Flirting dating back to last year. Apparently, he's been lying to my face about not seeing her/talking to her, but doing that throughout this whole time and erasing everything. Using secret chats. She was in on it, giggling about how they "erase everything for safety reasons". This whole time when I was desperate to get our love and closeness back, so alone and scared that he was so withdrawn, I could see in their chats how much attention and care he was giving to her instead. All the boundaries he had promised he was keeping have been broken repeatedly.

He says he never had anything physical with her, just wanted some emotional comfort/safety. I understand I wasn't the best partner. But he never communicated to me how much he was hurting. The moment I realised he was in pain, I started to change my behaviour, I let go of the things that were causing him pain. I was there for months, working on myself and begging him not to give up, let's work it out. He kept promising he loved me and yes let's work on our relationship, then rejecting me and shutting down again and again. All the while having this deceitful emotional relationship with another woman for months, behind my back, for which he made me repeatedly feel crazy for feeling jealous/insecure.

And yet, and yet, I was ready to forgive him. I thought, we both hurt each other, we can move past this, forgive each other and work out the root issues. But he doesn't want to let go of his resentment at me. He blames me so much for not realising he's been hurting earlier. He says he no longer wants to feel obligated to me, he doesn't feel he has the strength to earn my trust back. He refuses to end the relationship with that girl, even though he promises 1) he hasn't talked to her since I found out; 2) that he never really felt attracted to her; 3) he still loves me and hopes to maybe try again in the future. At the same time, he doesn't want to just take a break, he wants a divorce. We have a child together, so he wants to move out to an apartment in the same building and be around all the time to help out. And he wants to be friends with me. I told him, friendship requires trust, too, and you've been lying to my face for months. At least end your affair so we can start on rebuilding the trust and respect between us as friends. But he said he doesn't want to make any decisions, that all his life he's done what others wanted of him, he doesn't know who he is, he doesn't trust himself. He hasn't moved out yet and has been approaching me asking for hugs, cuddles, trying to comfort me. I finally drew a calm boundary yesterday saying I cannot maintain emotional closeness to him, if he's not even ended his affair yet, that I feel betrayed, unimportant, disrespected, deceived. I don't know if it's the right thing to do.


I'm trying so hard not to fall apart, because deep down I do blame myself for hurting so much all these years that I never noticed his pain. And I hate that he's been silent, that he deceived me not just about the affar, but about how he's been feeling. How we could've fixed things earlier had he been honest. I really bought into his image of a calm person who's figured it all out (he used to insist he didn't have any leftover trauma, that he dealt with his issues the moment he stood up to his parents.) I just feel like my whole reality that I've been living in, was false. I thought we were happy, but we weren't. I thought he'd been faithful but he wasn't. I thought he wasn't capable of lying to me, but oh, he was. Now my life is falling apart, our family is breaking up, I don't have my past and I don't have my future. I'm just trying to hold it together for my kid. How do you move on from this?

Thanks to anyone who's read the whole thing. But even if no one has, it was at least a little cathartic to lay out the whole story.

No agenda, except be honest and kind.

posts: 1   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2022   ·   location: Kazakhstan
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 6:50 AM on Friday, July 22nd, 2022

Thank you for sharing your story. Many of these things have happened to others on SI, including me. I have great sympathy for you, and I'm glad you reached out to seek support. You included a lot of detail, and sometimes to understand our lives more clearly, it helps to distill things down to the basics. Here is a simplified version of your story:

1. You come from a not very supportive family of origin, which has caused you to have relatively low self-esteem.

2. You met a man who seemed like a dream come true at first.

3. After you got attached to him and intimate with him, he gradually began treating you poorly.

4. You became pregnant with his child, and his initial reaction was to pressure you into an abortion.

5. He came around to the idea of having a child, but never took any initiative to commit to you romantically. You proposed marriage to him, and after arguing against it, he reluctantly accepted.

6. He withdrew from you and began an emotional affair with another woman. When you called him out on his affair, he denied it and then blamed it on circumstances and on you (this is a common cheater response to being caught). You felt guilty and tried to change yourself in order to hang onto him (we call this "pick me dancing", and is a common response to finding that your partner is cheating), but it didn't work.

7. He now wants a divorce, moved out of your home, claims he wants to be your friend and that you "maybe" could have a future together, and is still involved with the other woman.

Here's the bottom line: You are a loving person with the capacity to be a great partner to a man who deserves it. That man is not your ex. He did not seem to ever be in love with you or be truly committed to you (you judge this by actions, not words), so it's time to let him go. The fact that he's already walked out will make that easier, because you won't have to make an agonizing choice.

The path towards emotional stability and falling out of love with him is to go no contact (NC). Forget about being friends. He's not your friend. You don't let friends treat you the way he did, and he likely only says he wants to be friends in order to make his current situation easier and not look/feel like the bad guy. As for "maybe" in the future, well, that's a line that people who dump someone often say, to make the dumping easier for them. It's right up there with, "you've got great qualities, and will meet someone else..."

You need to stop seeing him in person except for the minimum needed for shared custody, and to stop talking to him on the phone. You need to drop him from your social media, and yourself from his. You should only communicate via email and/or texts (keep copies of everything for documentation) to the bare minimum required for co-parenting your child. If he ever flakes out and doesn't prioritize time with your child, do not take it upon yourself to cajole him back into the child's life. His relationship with his child is his, not yours, to manage.

Importantly, you need to draw up a legal custody agreement that is signed by a judge and is binding. You might think you get along well enough now to not need it, but you don't know what the future will bring. He might eventually decide he wants to unilaterally change visitation, or to not pay child support (which he 100% needs to pay, no excuses- it's for the benefit of the child that he created). If he marries someone else, or if you marry someone else who treats you better and you realize how poorly this man treated you, your current tolerance for him might disintegrate. Get the custody agreement and child support order in place asap.

Get STD tested, because it's completely possible, even likely, that his relationship with her got physical even while you were still together. Cheaters routinely lie and minimize the extent of their involvement.

Here are a few books I recommend you read:

*Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

*He's Just Not That Into You by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo

You are young and have a lot of time and opportunities to build a wonderful marriage with another man who actually loves and values you. I hope you read those and possibly other relationship books as a place to start, work on your self-esteem, and continue being a wonderful mother to your baby. I wish you all of the best and know that it's possible for you to have it.

[This message edited by morningglory at 7:07 AM, Friday, July 22nd]

posts: 454   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 1:11 PM on Friday, July 22nd, 2022

Sometimes the best thing to do is give them what they want.

There is an old joke that probably no longer is appropriate and PC, but here goes:
A man finds a lamp on the beach, rubs it and out comes a genie. The genie offers the man one wish. After some thought the man wishes that his penis be so large that it touches the ground when he’s standing upright. Genie snaps his fingers and tells him the transformation will take effect overnight. Next morning the man wakes up with no legs…

In that bad joke the man got what he wished for, only it wasn’t necessarily what he wanted or needed.

Sometimes when a spouse demands divorce they realize that although it’s what the asked for it’s not what they expected.
Sometimes when a spouse asks for a divorce it’s because they want a divorce.

In either case, it’s often best to give them what they want.

Only… divorce is a process and in that process you don’t necessarily get what you want. He doesn’t get to walk away from the commitments of the apartment. He doesn’t get to keep the daughter NOR does he get to walk away from her. Nor does divorce allow him to regard you as his wife, have you waiting for him to decide what he wants.

Start the business part of divorce. Start the tough decision on who keeps the apartment, who signs over the mortgage, who gets every second week with daughter and all that. Base all the discussion on FACT rather than fantasy.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 10815   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 2:19 PM on Friday, July 22nd, 2022

He cannot give you what he does not have. He does not have the emotional capability to give you or show you the love he feels in the way you need.

You cannot change him.

Only he can change himself.

And that’s only if he wants to.

So sorry for you. You deserve better.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:56 AM, Thursday, July 28th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12306   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
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brkn_heartd ( member #30396) posted at 9:48 PM on Friday, July 22nd, 2022

I am so sorry you are going through this. It is so very hard. When the person you think loves you hurts you so badly. I think Morning glory posted a great synopsis of your story. I read the entire thing too. I think she hit the nail on the head. I remember when my FWS kept on, and I begged him not to. I learned a lot after that part was over. I didn't find this site until 1 year past D Day. I wished I would have.

There are a few things you need to work on for you.
1) You were hurting also. You did not seek another relationship. You are NOT to blame for his issues. HE chose to find another relationship instead of discussing with you. This is his FAULT. While marriage is a two-way street...cheating is not.
2) you need to look up and read on the 180 on the site. Basically, it helps you to emotionally detach and not get so hurt over everything. It helps you to heal. It can (or cannot) also have a major impact on your partner. Sometimes they are shocked into changing, sometimes it makes no difference. The point is...180 is for YOU and your healing.
3) talk with an attorney to start to figure things out. You may not D but it will help you to understands your rights and where you and your child would be should you move forward. Do not discuss it with him.
4) Your number one priority right now is you and your child. Make sure you are eating healthy, drinking plenty of water, get some exercise and do not drink alcohol to numb things out. Your child needs me.
5) I found it helpful for me, to set a timeline. XX had to be done by XX date for me to move on. Maybe, you need to tell him he has XX to write you a timeline or xx date to decide 100% in or he is out. You know what your limits and tolerance is. Right now, he is dangling you both. You might even consider packing for him to let him leave.
6) make no doubt, he is still talking to her, he is trying to hold on to both. You need to not only draw the line in the sand, but be ready for the consequence when he try's to step across it. My problem was....I was not ready to give a consequence back then.

Kepp posting here. There are some great people that have been through a lot. However, not all advice will fit for you. Take what works, read the other and let it go if it is not right for you.

Me-57 BS
Him 65-WS
Married 38 yrs, together 40
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

posts: 2116   ·   registered: Dec. 14th, 2010   ·   location: Northwesten US
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ShockedAndShattered ( new member #79685) posted at 1:42 AM on Thursday, July 28th, 2022

Hi Blueberry87

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's devastating. I know I don't have all of the context of your story, but I'll give my thoughts based on what I've read.

You're blaming yourself for so much. Please remember that you aren't responsible for his choices. It's not something you did or didn't do.

Allowing his mates to call you by his ex's name, allowing them to make homophobic jokes about you and say things he knows makes you uncomfortable is just mean and immature.

We expect our spouses to help us when things are rough. Just as we would support them. The whole "for better or for worse" thing. We don't expect them to build resentments at us because we were struggling and need some extra care. He seems incredibly selfish an self-centered. He comes first. How dare you inconvenience him with your pesky sad feelings that he caused? (that was sarcasm)
You were a new mom, working and still healing from his wishy washy ways of keeping you on the hook. Does he want me or not? That's a cruel thing to put you through.

You mentioned he feels bad about himself. His insecurities and feelings of inadequacy are no excuse for his behavior towards you.

It seems as if you went above and beyond to accommodate his fragile feelings while ignoring your own. Putting him first so he doesn't have to suffer and then you end up suffering FOR him. (I lived like that for a while. It's exhausting.) You tiptoed around him and walked on eggshells not to "rock the boat". If he's convincing you that he's in "so much pain" because of you, he's full of shit and he's gaslighting you. You are not the cause of him feeling like shit about himself. Maybe he feels like shit about himself because he's doing shitty things and being a shitty husband.

But he doesn't want to let go of his resentment at me. He blames me so much for not realising he's been hurting earlier. He says he no longer wants to feel obligated to me, he doesn't feel he has the strength to earn my trust back. He refuses to end the relationship with that girl, even though he promises 1) he hasn't talked to her since I found out; 2) that he never really felt attracted to her; 3) he still loves me and hopes to maybe try again in the future. At the same time, he doesn't want to just take a break, he wants a divorce. We have a child together, so he wants to move out to an apartment in the same building and be around all the time to help out. And he wants to be friends with me. I told him, friendship requires trust, too, and you've been lying to my face for months. At least end your affair so we can start on rebuilding the trust and respect between us as friends.

He blames me so much for not realising he's been hurting earlier.
- It is not your responsibility to just guess how he's feeling. Communication is the responsibility of both parties.

He says he no longer wants to feel obligated to me, he doesn't feel he has the strength to earn my trust back.
- This is him not wanting to do the work. He's a coward. Looking at himself and admitting to himself what he's done and what it's caused and who he really is is just too much for his ego to handle. He knows he has to change to be with you.

You are not hurting him by wanting to talk about your feelings. He's hurt by talking about your feelings because of what he did...not because you want to talk about it.

He refuses to end the relationship with that girl, even though he promises 1) he hasn't talked to her since I found out; 2) that he never really felt attracted to her; 3) he still loves me and hopes to maybe try again in the future.
If he refuses to end the affair, there can be no reconciliation. Ending the affair and going NC is rule #1. (The Surviving Infidelity site veterans are so smart...they taught me all I know.)
1. Yes he has.
2. Yes he did.
3. Yes, he loves you. And he wants you to hang on "just in case".

He says he never had anything physical with her, just wanted some emotional comfort/safety. I understand I wasn't the best partner.
- They all say this. It was just a hug or it was just one kiss.
It's not about the kind of partner you feel you were or were not being. You are not responsible for why he chose to cheat.

At the same time, he doesn't want to just take a break, he wants a divorce.
- So is it that he still loves you and hopes to maybe try again in the future or does he want a divorce? He's not being clear. He's sending you mixed signals.

Please don't be upset that you were taking care of yourself and "never saw his pain". I bet he hid it well. How would you know if he doesn't tell you or show you?

Of course you have a future. This does not define you. You are so much stronger than you realize. I know the rollercoaster of emotions has you exhausted right now, but trust me when I say that this will not break you.

He isn't showing you basic respect and you deserve better than that.

SI has great people who have been through this and really want to help. I've learned so much. I hope you do too.

Wishing you all the best and sending strength.

BS(me):42 WH:43D
Day 1- 9/11/2021 EA 5+ yrs & lies TT
DDay 2- 9/23/2021 EA 2+ years & lies TT
DDay 3- 10/17/2021 EAs 1.5 yrs/5+ yrs TT
DDay 4- 04/11/2022 Conf PA w/1 EA
DDay 5- 8/2/22 Failed Poly
DDay 6- 8/7/22 Whatever...

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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 2:22 AM on Friday, July 29th, 2022

Being in a relationship with a person like your husband is (I imagine) is like being addicted to drugs. When you're high, you feel like you're on top of the world; when you crash, it's like a descent into Hell. And yet the crash just leaves you wanting more of what you had before.

He has been playing yo-yo with you in one way or another since literally the beginning of your relationship; now is the time to finally cut the string. As a mother, you simply don't have the luxury of continuing on this roller coaster ride with him and trying to parent your child in a constant state of anxiety. Most importantly of all you, you do have a future and that future is with the daughter that you love and cherish, whether or not your husband wants to be a part of the family unit.


I finally drew a calm boundary yesterday saying I cannot maintain emotional closeness to him, if he's not even ended his affair yet, that I feel betrayed, unimportant, disrespected, deceived. I don't know if it's the right thing to do.

This is exactly the right thing to do. You need to withdraw emotionally from him cold turkey. He needs to know that he can't run around with another woman and expect to keep his husband privileges. At this point, you need to start treating him as nothing more than a room mate while you get your ducks in a row and prepare to leave.

Don't be surprised, however, if he starts trying to reel you in the further that you pull away from him. Don't let yourself get sucked back into his vortex and accept reconciliation without conditions because he will drop you on your head the minute you let your guard down, just as he always done.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

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NotSureAboutIt ( member #69836) posted at 4:12 AM on Saturday, July 30th, 2022

I cannot imagine having a spouse that also likes women. To know that she wants things sexually that I cannot ever physically provide. His actions were horrid, but I understand him wanting a woman that only desires a man.

posts: 75   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2019
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 5:47 PM on Monday, August 1st, 2022

Notsureaboutit, how is your post relevant? Blueberry's husband cheated on her; she has been faithful to him for the entirety of their relationship. He was friends with her for 2 years before they became a couple and knew she was bisexual; if that was a dealbreaker for him, then he wouldn't have started dating her.

Blueberry, don't let your husband or anyone else ever weaponize your sexuality against you; it has nothing to do with your husband's cheating. Whether you stay together or divorce, he has to own his own choices.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 839   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8747904
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HeartbreakInHawaii ( new member #80401) posted at 5:11 AM on Tuesday, August 2nd, 2022

Blueberry, don't let your husband or anyone else ever weaponize your sexuality against you; it has nothing to do with your husband's cheating. Whether you stay together or divorce, he has to own his own choices.


Ditto x one million, Blueberry. His infidelity has nothing to do with your sexuality.
NotSureAboutIt, your post is homophobic and narrow-minded. Shame on you.

posts: 15   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2022   ·   location: Canada
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 3:57 PM on Tuesday, August 2nd, 2022

Blueberry,

You're almost definitely in some sort of shock, and you can't think straight while in shock. Give yourself time to heal. Feel your feelings. Figure out what you want. Figure out what's feasible.

Right now, if your H still wants to connect with ow, he's not a candidate for R, but he's probably in shock, too. You don't yet know where he'll come down - and you may decide to D before he realizes what he's done anyway (which means he may be too late in returning to humanity).

My reco is, for right now, feel your feelings. Get some support, perhaps from a good IC. Don;t worry about keeping your family together - use your energy to heal, to sleep when you can, to take care of your child and yourself.

Your H has a lot of work to do to heal, and he doesn't seem to be doing much of it.

You have a lot of work to do, too, but you've started on it. Life will almost definitely get better, whether you choose R or D. But you can't R with a WS who still wants a connection with his ap.

*****

** Posting as a member whose female WS cheated with another female **

I cannot imagine having a spouse that also likes women.

If I said that, I'd realize the statement is more about myself than about any partner of mine. I think I'd recognize my self-doubt, fears, and possible problems in my view of women.

We all compromise in choosing partners, IMO. That is, I think we all come to a point of saying to ourselves, 'This potential partner is good enough, and I'll stop looking.' The difference between a straight or gay person and a bi-sexual person, IMO, is straights and gays think only one gender offers partners; bis see potential in all genders. I would be jealous, except that I found a partner myself even though I rule out half the population.

But partnership is a lot more than gender. None of us is all male (Yang) or all female (Yin). All of us have characteristics that fit into the stereotypes of other genders.

IDK, if Blueberry's H was discombobulated about her sexuality, I suspect a healthier option, compared to cheating, was to have have studied sex with her and learned to connect more and more fully. (Of course, I think that sitting on the floor and vegetating is healthier than cheating, too.)

If you're worried about whether you can satisfy your partner, the best thing to do is probably to talk about your worry and self-doubt and fears.

As others have written, sexual preferences aren't the issue here. Infidelity is. Blueberry is aware that men and women, etc. are potential sexual partners for her; she stayed faithful. Her H is, apparently, straight; he cheated. His reasons don't matter. If he cheated out of fear, I'm sorry for him, but the responsibility is his, and he's not getting it.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27422   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
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