Hello, I've found out two weeks ago, and I'm not even sure why I'm posting this, but maybe I just need to feel less lonely and foolish. I appreciate both support and validation, as well as any advice if anybody's kind enough to offer.
Here goes. (If you don't want to read the back story, skip the first 5 paragraphs below--but I tell all this cause I think it's important context for what happened later, and probably because I need to get our whole story off my chest.)
My husband and I used to be mates since 2014, but in 2016 we started dating. It was pretty great for the first year, honestly, wonderful--I've never felt so much love and acceptance before, even from my parents (which is sad). Then we started having more fights, usually about his inability to stand up to his friends when they were making me uncomfortable (e.g., repeatedly calling me by his ex's name, making homophobic jokes--I'm out as bi). Then he also wouldn't introduce me to his parents, since they were disapproving of me being several years older than him. He also kept being wishy-washy about the time frame of us moving together, getting married, even though he swore that's something he also really wanted with me. I was brushing everything under the rug because otherwise the relationship was making me so happy. At some point I even asked him, if your parents give you an ultimatum, will you choose me? He promised yes.
Of course, what happened later was that his (conservative) family found out I was bisexual and out, and gave him an ultimatum, that he should break up with me, or his whole family (including extended) will disown him. Even his grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. called him and all said this same thing. He caved under pressure and left me, telling me he can't reject his family. To say I was devastated does not fully express how I felt. To finally believe I was deserving of love, affection, unconditional acceptance thanks to him (I've had some mental health issues in my life, stemming from childhood trauma, also a history of depression), and then for him to just abandon me, nearly destroyed me. I couldn't let him go for a few weeks, alternating between blaming him for cowardice and betrayal, and then begging him to be strong for us and resist his family's abuse. Several times he would come back only to break again and leave me once more. Eventually I stopped trying, but after that he actually got support of his friends and stood up to his family (it was bad, there was physical abuse involved). He returned to me, we reconciled, moved in together.
When we were deciding to get back together, I told him, "I haven't forgiven you yet. I don't trust you right now. Do you promise to earn my trust back? I really need you to be extra loving, caring, attentive for a while, so I can trust you're really back. I need you to show you're sorry for the pain you caused me. And I don't know how long it will take. Are you ready for this?" He promised yes to everything. But it was an empty promise, because he was so traumatised and wounded from the whole family ordeal, he actually didn't have it in him to give me all the things that I needed. Cue almost a year of constant fights about him breaking his promises, while he would yell I don't understand him and the pain he's in.
Then the unexpected and unplanned happened--I got pregnant. I knew immediately I wanted the baby, but he was scared and wanted me to abort. I said I would keep the baby with or without him, but we also talked about his fears of keeping it, talked practical ways of managing pregnancy/parenting, and in a few days he changed his mind and was on board. Several months passed, and I waited for him to propose, since we decided to have a baby. He never said anything and eventually I said myself, well let's get married then if we're gonna be a family? He agreed. At this point I was full of so much deep-seated pain of him not fulfilling his promises and not showing outward expressions of committment. He later said he had felt so much self-loathing he just didn't feel like he was worthy of proposing to me, like he had nothing to offer to me (he was a medical student at the time, his only income his stipend--this also factored in to his feelings of inadequacy, although I always reassured him that wasn't something that was that important to me. With his stipend and my TA salary, we made enough, and that was fine with me.)
But at least something changed--we stopped having all the awful fights. He suddenly became extremely caring and loving, like I always asked him to be, and my pregnancy was full of joy and love. We welcomed our baby girl and became a family, and for a few years I was happy and started to feel mostly secure. But I was still carrying that abandonment wound, I felt like I wasn't chosen, that I had to beg him to come back, that I never got the experience of a proposal or a joyful pregnancy announcement, that at every point if I had let go and stopped fighting, we would just lose the relationship cause he didn't take initiative. From time to time I would bring this pain back, voice it to him but I always felt like nothing he said closed that wound. I wanted him to do something, a romantic gesture, more words of love and appreciation, but he always said those things just don't come naturally to him, and wouldn't really try. I understand now I had a filter for the negative and I didn't appreciate enough the things he did do, which were more practical, acts-of-service type of stuff. I also wasn't good at bringing things up in a compassionate/vulnerable way, instead expressing my needs through blame and criticism.
But then with the birth of my daughter, these things kind of took a backseat (at least for me), I was fully in the maternal role, and then I went back to a pretty demanding job (university faculty), and the pandemic hit. I was constantly tired, overwhelmed and extremely isolated. It happened so my closest friends left the country, and most of my family was in another city. My husband was pretty much my sole source of emotional closeness and comfort. I didn't understand that that was a burden to him, cause he never expressed this. During our fights, he would always be the first to take a step towards me to reconcile; I thought he did it out of generosity of his heart, as well as his higher emotional strength/stability (ha!). Turns out, he was appeasing every time to keep me happy and to just stop the fight, but he was building resentment that I wouldn't take responsibility. He never communicated this to me during calm times. I lived in a reality where our life was mostly good and happy.
October last year, he told me this female colleague of hers, his former groupmate from his Master's program, was becoming a close friend. I said, great. As a bi person, I don't believe in the "no opposite gender friends" thing. If we can't be friends with the gender we're attracted to, then that leaves me with no friends at all! So, I'm naturally not a jealous person. I trusted my husband implicitly. But then I started getting increasingly horrible feelings when I'd notice he texted her all the time. By that point he and I had several big fights and he was very distant--but his face would just light up when he'd see a message from her. I brought it up to him, with no blame, said I trust him still, but it's making me feel very bad. He got very offended and withdrawn. After this it was months of me noticing something about their "friendship" that made me scared and hurt, and him dismissing it, telling me I should just trust him. I was feeling so crazy I went to therapy to work on my jealousy. I started telling him, it's probably that old abandonment wound from when you left me, maybe I'm still afraid, deep down, that you'll leave me again. My therapist gave us an exercise to work out couple boundaries. He promised that his friendship with this woman doesn't cross any of those boundaries, and if it would ever cross that line, to please trust that he would stop it all himself. I believed him.
Yet, he grew more and more withdrawn. I begged him to work on our relationship. We tried a couple of couples counsellors but we didn't like them, and then when we found one we both liked, he started postponing the appointments. We bought a new apartment at that time and were in the process of renovating and moving. He constantly said he was tired, that he needed time. I was feeling like I was dying for months, I really needed to feel connected to him, close, loved, needed. He wouldn't really talk to me, he would often ignore me when I cried every night, saying he didn't have it in him to offer me the emotional support that I wanted. I kept going to therapy, working on my issues, desperate for a solution, desperate to change myself. It led me to realise that he was in a lot of pain because of me bringing up the past break-up. That he'd been living under so much guilt. Once I realised that, I told him, I forgive you, I let go of all resentment, I'm not gonna hold you under this weight of blame anymore, I want you to be free, to choose to be with me freely, not out of guilt. I even left for my hometown for a few weeks to give him space, cause he kept saying he couldn't think while near me.
While I was there, he apparently called that girl over because he needed help around the house and emotional support, and spent time with just the two of them in our new apartment. I was really hurt that he would do this when our relationship was so fragile. Also before this, he had promised he woudn't be close friends with her, for our sake. He shut down when I expressed hurt over this. But still, I wanted to make it work so bad. I stopped bringing it up, I stopped asking him to work on our relationship (he kept saying he wanted to work on it, but would say no to all my suggestions, like counselling, or reading books together, or listening to podcasts, or whatever, anything. he wouldn't even touch me.) We agreed to separate for a few months, calm down, let some of the acute hurts go, then proceed more calmly.
The jealousy wasn't letting me go though. I was in so much pain because of it, and I blamed myself all the time for not being able to let it go. Because I thought, I trust him. I know he wouldn't be able to deceive me, he's just not that kind of person. I told myself, he's trying in his own way. He's in so much pain. I was trying to just interact with him normally, let go of all demands and pressure. But then I just couldn't ignore this feeling that something is wrong anymore. I asked him, "do you hang out with her still, talk to her?" He said, holding my hand, and looking into my eyes, "no". I asked him to show me their chat history. The panic that hit him really should've told me everything then. He said okay but kept retreating to the bathroom, clearly erasing stuff. But I was able to see enough anyway. Flirting dating back to last year. Apparently, he's been lying to my face about not seeing her/talking to her, but doing that throughout this whole time and erasing everything. Using secret chats. She was in on it, giggling about how they "erase everything for safety reasons". This whole time when I was desperate to get our love and closeness back, so alone and scared that he was so withdrawn, I could see in their chats how much attention and care he was giving to her instead. All the boundaries he had promised he was keeping have been broken repeatedly.
He says he never had anything physical with her, just wanted some emotional comfort/safety. I understand I wasn't the best partner. But he never communicated to me how much he was hurting. The moment I realised he was in pain, I started to change my behaviour, I let go of the things that were causing him pain. I was there for months, working on myself and begging him not to give up, let's work it out. He kept promising he loved me and yes let's work on our relationship, then rejecting me and shutting down again and again. All the while having this deceitful emotional relationship with another woman for months, behind my back, for which he made me repeatedly feel crazy for feeling jealous/insecure.
And yet, and yet, I was ready to forgive him. I thought, we both hurt each other, we can move past this, forgive each other and work out the root issues. But he doesn't want to let go of his resentment at me. He blames me so much for not realising he's been hurting earlier. He says he no longer wants to feel obligated to me, he doesn't feel he has the strength to earn my trust back. He refuses to end the relationship with that girl, even though he promises 1) he hasn't talked to her since I found out; 2) that he never really felt attracted to her; 3) he still loves me and hopes to maybe try again in the future. At the same time, he doesn't want to just take a break, he wants a divorce. We have a child together, so he wants to move out to an apartment in the same building and be around all the time to help out. And he wants to be friends with me. I told him, friendship requires trust, too, and you've been lying to my face for months. At least end your affair so we can start on rebuilding the trust and respect between us as friends. But he said he doesn't want to make any decisions, that all his life he's done what others wanted of him, he doesn't know who he is, he doesn't trust himself. He hasn't moved out yet and has been approaching me asking for hugs, cuddles, trying to comfort me. I finally drew a calm boundary yesterday saying I cannot maintain emotional closeness to him, if he's not even ended his affair yet, that I feel betrayed, unimportant, disrespected, deceived. I don't know if it's the right thing to do.
I'm trying so hard not to fall apart, because deep down I do blame myself for hurting so much all these years that I never noticed his pain. And I hate that he's been silent, that he deceived me not just about the affar, but about how he's been feeling. How we could've fixed things earlier had he been honest. I really bought into his image of a calm person who's figured it all out (he used to insist he didn't have any leftover trauma, that he dealt with his issues the moment he stood up to his parents.) I just feel like my whole reality that I've been living in, was false. I thought we were happy, but we weren't. I thought he'd been faithful but he wasn't. I thought he wasn't capable of lying to me, but oh, he was. Now my life is falling apart, our family is breaking up, I don't have my past and I don't have my future. I'm just trying to hold it together for my kid. How do you move on from this?
Thanks to anyone who's read the whole thing. But even if no one has, it was at least a little cathartic to lay out the whole story.