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Newest Member: Momof2greatadults

Just Found Out :
All over the place

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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 10:52 AM on Friday, July 15th, 2022

How do I start to trust her again? Why do I continually question her motives for this change?

These are the questions you asked that you are struggling with right now. I hope I can help you with some suggestions based on my experience.

Trust takes time. I know that’s but what you are hoping to hear but it’s true. It happens slowly. Your wife has to be consistent and transparent. 100%.

Example. My H would say he’s going to Hime Depot. If they didn’t have what he needed and he went to another store (Lowes) then he would call me and tell me. This way I knew why it took longer to complete the errand and I knew where he was.

This was his own idea and his own doing. He wanted to prove he could be trusted. And he can. In 9 years since the end of his affair I have had very few reasons not to trust him (after trust was slowly restored).

Your wife has to work extra extra hard to regain your trust. I hope she is up for it. Because it doesn’t happen overnight AND she cannot expect it will happen at all.

That is the gamble when you lie and cheat on your spouse. That is the risk you take — that the cheater is never really trusted again by thee betrayed spouse.

I questioned my H for 3 years after dday2. Until I learned that my trust and security was partly my responsibility as well. By that I mean I had to decide if my H doing everything possible to fix the broken vows and make amends etc was enough for me.

Like I said - time is what’s needed. Patience too. Because reconciling is not a straight path - it has it’s good days and bad days. It’s a very bumpy ride.

But you can get there if both you and your wife are all in.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12306   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8744777
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 10:59 AM on Friday, July 15th, 2022

Hi, welcome to SI.

Gently, I have to agree with Hellfire, if they were in close proximity, more than likely they had sex.

I can't tell you how many times on these boards we've heard "we only kissed" rolleyes me included.

Cheaters lie and they lie and they lie and all of them minimize the truth. Your wife is no exception. sad

I'd ask her to take a polygraph.

posts: 11566   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8744778
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:03 PM on Friday, July 15th, 2022

One comment that may evoke more honesty is something like, 'If it comes out now, I may leave. If it comes out in 6 months, I will leave.'

Lack of complete honesty is essential to R. We often say, 'You have to risk your M to save it.' Holding back info is, IMO, a deal killer, and your best approach is to make that clear. It's not easy to set a boundary that strong, but it helps minimize wasted effort.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27422   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8744896
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 4:14 PM on Friday, July 15th, 2022

I'm sure the barrage of,"she lied,they had sex," is hard to hear.

Please know that it comes from hard earned wisdom. No one is trying to cause further pain.

You want to attempt reconciliation. You can not do that on a foundation of lies. It won't work. Eventually, maybe years from now,she will slip up,or her friend may tell you, or OM may tell you,etc. There are a number of ways you could find out some day. And you will be set back to day one. Any healing that took place will be eliminated, and you will be traumatized all over again.

Common sense says she is lying still. You want to believe her,because you love her,it's easier,and you it will cause great pain to know she had sex with another man. We all understand that. We also know you deserve,and need, the truth.

And,if she is allowed to keep this secret, she will have no problem doing it again, because in a sense,she got away with it. She has a lot of work to do in herself, and none of that will matter if she is still lying.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:15 PM, Friday, July 15th]

posts: 4493   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8744899
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MickeyBill2016 ( member #56459) posted at 6:11 PM on Friday, July 15th, 2022

"I did not have sex with that woman"

Different people define sex to fit their story and to protect their self identity...

GRAPHIC DESCRIPTION--

I dated a woman who considered sex to only be when a penis goes into a vagina.Everything, yes everything else was, in her mind "not sex"so she was quite a libertine.

Even if she was not in her opinion not intimate, when teenagers and adults kiss/make out, their hands will wander. Does your WW consider oral to be sex?

If you do a poly ask specific questions, not "did you have sex" but did have "you have oral sex".

Hang in there and prepare for amore truth to trickle out.

9 years married.
13 years divorced.

posts: 1241   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2016   ·   location: West of the 405 North of the Mexican border
id 8744921
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 8:24 PM on Friday, July 15th, 2022

Hope we haven't scared you away OP. It seems as the feedback you are receiving is rather homogeneous in nature. It may not be what you wanted or hoped for, but it is probably the truth, and by probably, I mean certainly. Draw from the collective wisdom on this site. It has been purchased at great price. And remember, we are here for you. Holding space brother.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off.Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 2022!!!!

posts: 1275   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8744948
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CuriousObserver ( member #78743) posted at 9:29 PM on Friday, July 15th, 2022

You said of the Affair Partner's Significant Other:

However, sadly he has done this multiple times and she forgave or pretended it wasn’t as big as it was.


Gently, like you are doing? If you saw a termite crawl across your kitchen floor, what would you know? That there are many more you have not seen. You just found a termite in your relationship.

The way you can tell if a newly caught wayward is lying is when their lips are moving.

For a reality check I recommend you read Mr.Flibble's thread here in JFO and then the followup in General. He is still learning what happened 1.5 years out and 9 months after divorce, and I don't think he knows yet. Of all of the stories on here, I was prone to believe his wife's story the most. Reading the feedback he got from some here was absolutely prophetic (some of the harsher voices, I might add). They nailed exactly what was going on.

I'm so sorry you are here. You must assume that EVERYTHING she says and does until absolutely proven otherwise is:
deceit,
subterfuge and misdirection,
seeking how much you know or suspect,
feeding you just enough to justify your concerns without incriminating herself more than absolutely necessary in this moment -
subject to change in the next moment,
causing you to doubt yourself and your instincts,
shaming you,
blaming you,
getting you to pity her,
distracting you,
changing the subject,
threatening you
and on, and on, and on, and on, and on.

And I would bet my mortgage that it is way, way worse than she will ever tell you.
This is going to take more strength and resolve than you thought possible.
I am sorry. But take heart, you have found a good place. Keep posting. Read the healing library and start the 180, for your own sanity.

Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.

posts: 170   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8744953
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 2:44 PM on Saturday, July 16th, 2022

With respect to the kiss.

Studies show that humans view a 'kiss' as an expression of affection and intimacy and sexual attraction.

If the kiss involved prolonged body contact or tongue, then it was not just a kiss.

Furthermore, studies show that in an evolving relationship (like your wife's) the kiss was the last boundary that once broken led to intercourse at the first chance.

Insist on a polygraph test and watch her face.

Your wife's affair is pretty much textbook. And her minimizing and reluctance to reveal too much information is typical because she's desperate and will say and do anything to avoid divorce and shame.

The problem is that for a long term R you need to believe that you know all the details that are of interest to you. Otherwise you're wake up in 5, 10 (as far out as 25 years) and relive this nightmare.

If you need to know if they had sex; or what was in the deleted texts (what did she say about you or your marriage?), then I suggest you encourage more disclosure.

For example, insist on a polygraph test - but also inform her that while certain details may make R more difficult, and further lies or withholding of information (even to protect you ...and her) will guarantee divorce. And she needs to believe it.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 2:45 PM, Saturday, July 16th]

posts: 2582   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8745018
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 8:46 PM on Monday, July 18th, 2022

How are you doing, untethered?

I'm sure some of these posts are painful to read, but all of us have been here on these boards for a very long time, and cheaters follow the same script. Lie and deny and manipulate the truth.

My husband's AP was a co-worker who lived 3,000 miles across the country, her husband also worked for the same company, my husband and AP managed to find time to meet up in a hotel on the opposite coast at her location. Fortunately, I found out before their second planned meeting. Had they been in close proximity, the sex would have happened as many times as they could figure out where/when.

My husband and AP also told me they "only" kissed. Like that made it all better. rolleyes Knew they were lying based on emails I found. Wayward husband finally admitted it when I pressed and pressed. Took about a week.

I hope you can get to the truth....all of it.

[This message edited by annb at 8:59 PM, Monday, July 18th]

posts: 11566   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8745303
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