SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

After over a year of our marriage being in a funk, we are finally finding new grounds. I have really done some soul searching in my severe codependency. I have finally come to a realization that I have always put myself in a position where I needed to have some kind of control over the outcome. I wanted to be able to fix everything. I wanted to protect my wife's feelings even over my own. I knew I had these issues but it took my wife telling me that I needed to stop. That I needed to be selfish otherwise I was just going to let myself drown. It was hard to distinguish between being a supportive husband and treating my wife Paternally. If I can make her life easier without affecting my emotional well-being, I will do it. But if it is something only my wife can fix, I've slowly learned to just let her deal with it.

She has become more forthcoming. She finally told me that she didn't want me to give up a relationship with my family, my friends, or our children because of her. My mother has been very critical and downright mean to my wife. My wife says she accepted that, but at the end of the day, that is our children's family. She says that I might have believed that this was what I want, but that deep down the estrangement stems from me wanting to protect her. While there is a lot of hurt and distance because of the lack of boundaries with my mother, I do understand now what she means.

We have also started to make an effort to do weekly date nights again, even if we aren't in the mood. We are planning a night every week to sit and discuss our week, again even if we don't feel like it. It's been a few weeks and I've noticed a difference in our communication. We had lost our way, but now making it a habit, like it had been before to connect emotionally to one another. There is still something lacking, but we are taking steps to address it. The thoughts of divorce are no longer on the table at this time.

Thanks for the update. It appears you are uncovering more layers to your relationship which should help you both. Very good that your W has been forthcoming. Good luck.

NICE update...thanks so much for sharing !!!

It’s good to hear from you. I’m glad to hear of the improvement in communication. And your wife was very giving in how she is approaching your family. Be careful how you tread with them. Don’t let them mistreat her. But if they can behave, it would be good to let them back into your family’s lives.

Hopefully your wife continues to work on herself and the things that lead her to cheat in the past. That should be a lifelong pursuit.

I have finally come to a realization that I have always put myself in a position where I needed to have some kind of control over the outcome. I wanted to be able to fix everything. I wanted to protect my wife's feelings even over my own. I knew I had these issues but it took my wife telling me that I needed to stop.

So your wife finally told you what we at SI have been saying for years? ;-)

I think your wife long ago made peace with the fact that she was never going to be accepted by your mother; it's just been a matter of you being able to accept that. Do you think you will be able to reconnect with your mother and have a relationship with her? Are you comfortable simply shutting down the conversation without argument when she takes jabs at your wife?

I also think that you've simply become so accustomed to being in a crisis mode with your wife (extreme highs and lows) that you haven't really gotten to experience the normal ebbs and flows of marriage. In any normal marriage, there are going to be times when intimacy wanes and you feel less connected; these moments don't automatically mean that you're heading toward a crisis.

Perhaps its time that you and your wife learn how to "just be married"-- without seeing the relationship as something that requires constant heavy lifting in order to sustain its existence.