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Hi- my BS wants to fly across the country to confront my AP. I don’t want him to. I don’t care what happens to the AP. He’s a creep and deserves whatever happens. I don’t want my BS to do anything that he’d regret or could potentially get him in trouble.

My question is, do I have the right to ask him to not go? He feels like he needs this to help heal. He tried to get in a touch with him a number of times and my AP refused to respond. My BS ended up sending a FedEx letter to my APs wife to let her know about the A.

We are working on R and I told him I will support him in anything he feels will help him heal. I just don’t feel like this is something that would be a positive thing.

[This message edited by TryingToFixWhatIBroke at 1:14 AM, Saturday, July 9th]

If your concern is for his well-being, I would say absolutely do what you can to stop him. Nothing good will come from that meeting. Suppose your H beats his ass and ends up in jail?

Yes the AP is a piece of shit worthy of a good ass kicking. But it’s not worth the cost your H could potentially have to pay. He shouldn’t allow the AP to intrude on the marriage any longer.

If he still insists on going, does he have a best friend that could go with him? Perhaps this friend can keep your H from doing something that would further upend his life

[This message edited by ff4152 at 10:31 PM, Friday, July 8th]

I’m definitely worried he could end up in jail and that’s why I don’t want him to go. I’m not sure if his closest friends would stop him from doing something he may regret. I asked him to reach out to the BS group he’s part of and see what they say, but even if they discourage him, I’m afraid his mind is already made up. I’m sick over this. We have young kids and I don’t want them to pay for my mistakes more than they already have.

ETA: I also don’t want my husband to be hurt further because of me.

[This message edited by TryingToFixWhatIBroke at 10:43 PM, Friday, July 8th]

Suppose your H beats his ass and ends up in jail?

Or suppose the AP beats HIS ass—or worse, has a gun or knife or other weapon on him—and your H ends up injured or dead?

Bad idea.

That being said, you can’t control other people and unfortunately you trying to stop this would probably be seen as you defending the AP. Some folks have to learn the hard way. I hope for the best for y’all.

We have young kids

Who deserve to have a father there to raise them and protect them. It's not their fault this happened, and they deserve no less care, love and protection than they did before, or ever. Does he really want his kids to go to school, and when asked about their dad, to say, "Oh, my dad's in jail for beating up another guy"? Does he want them to grow up having to take care of him if he gets injured? Or what if he's not there at all? I can tell you from personal experience that not having a father there growing up messes you up in ways that you can never really fully repair.

He has to make his own decisions of course. I just hope he understands that he's making decisions for a lot of people. Which I would imagine that, to him at the moment, feels "fair" since your affair also made a lot of decisions for a lot of people. But we see how that already turned out so far. I hope he makes the right decision. There is no "good ending" if he goes out there. And it won't undo what was done. But he'll have to do whatever he needs to, no one else is in his shoes but him.

I'm pulling for you, TTF. I've experienced that sick feeling of knowing that my actions had spun the safety of my world, and that of the people I loved most, out of my control. I remember the fear, the guilt, the anger,the helplessness, and the desperate, futile desire to find an "undo" button to make it all go away. We can't give you that, but we can walk beside you in compassion while you find your own path through.

Which I would imagine that, to him at the moment, feels "fair" since your affair also made a lot of decisions for a lot of people.

I agree, unfortunately. Few things can escalate an angry BS's rage like being told to take the high road by a spouse whose low road already endangered the family. He needs someone else to point out that regardless of the unfairness, your kids really need at least one parent to prioritize their welfare. I hope that at some point, even if it's after the plane lands, he's able to accept that.

Trying, you asked:

My question is, do I have the right to ask him to not go?

I've had first hand experience with this.

I had a 2-year affair.I had sexual intercourse with AP once in our home.

After that, I visited him at his work place about twice a week for about 8 months. I was never alone with him again until...

He came to our house uninvited. I asked him in and engaged in sexual behavior with him...kissing and hugging. When it went too far for me, I told him to stop and he left.

That night I told my BS some of the truth. I told him that I had had sex with AP in our house, but that I had never seen him again until he came over uninvited, forced his way in and attacked me sexually. So, he thought he had to defend me against this guy. He thought I was much more innocent than I was.

He did go and confront the AP. He hit him and threatened him. I never saw the AP again.

I feel terrible about allowing my BS to confront AP not knowing the truth. I put him in danger of being killed. AP had a gun and a few years after that, he killed his wife for having sex in their home with another man...ironically, the same thing I did with him.

Yes, you have the right to ask your H to not confront your AP, but it's so important that you tell him the truth now and don't let him confront your AP not armed with the truth.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I’ve read him all your responses in hopes it’ll give him more insight.

@thatwilldo he knows the full truth, although he suspects more than what actually happened. I don’t blame him for that in the least. He’s not going out there to defend my honor by any means, it’s purely to let out aggression.

[This message edited by TryingToFixWhatIBroke at 5:15 AM, Sunday, July 10th]

Is it purely to let out aggression, or is he still looking for confirmation of your account of what happened in the hotel room? If it's the latter, would a polygraph help instead?

The problem with trying to force answers out of an AP is that they're no more trustworthy than a WS. Ultimately, they'll tell the BS what they need to in order to get out of the situation. If your BH shows up full of intent to beat the truth out of AP, then AP will give him the answer most likely to save his own skin. If the beatdown appears inevitable, he may provoke BH with lies about what you did together in hopes that it will throw BH off his game. Whether minimizing or exaggerating, the point is that your husband can't have confidence in what he's told. That's why he desperately needs the truth from you.

I think if you could pass a poly, that might help. Even if BH still insists on confronting AP in person, he won't have the infuriating conviction that AP knows the full truth while BH remains in the dark. And if you can offer proof that nothing sexual happened in that room (which could only be true if you found AP sexually repulsive), it's possible that would diminish your BH's rage to a point where the confrontation no longer feels necessary.

If you can't pass a poly, then I'm afraid this trip is only one of many risks to your BH and your children that will continue to arise until you find the courage to come clean.

My BH is not looking for answers and he said he doesn’t believe polygraph tests are accurate, so even if I were to take one, he wouldn’t trust the outcome.

I don’t blame him for not trusting me, if the roles were reversed, I’m not sure I’d believe him.