Originally (almost 20 years ago) I ended up in "umbrella" mode more by default than through any conscious decision. After D-day I was desperate not to lose my wife, first and foremost. It was inconceivable to me that she had done the things she did so I was an easy target for her minimizing and blame-shifting.
I realize now that I had absolutely no support. I had no concept of a "timeline" so as the nagging questions and doubts started overwhelm my ability to sweep it all under the rug I asked them haphazardly on the rare occasions when she felt able to talk about it. This almost always ended up with her breaking down and unable to talk further after just a few terse answers.
Our (really her) therapist advised against probing for details saying, "you know what adults do in the bedroom." I mused on whether that was enough and my WW later said here that I didn't want details for that very reason.
But I never really decided that. I just kind of accepted it because I wasn't getting anywhere and I just wanted things to get back to "normal." So I stopped asking questions and accepted her minimized version of it. I never believed that it was possible for her to really love some guy she met online, anyway. It was easier for me to accept that she had just made a foolish mistake and I didn't want to think about it any more.
That was nearly 20 years ago. Now, as I approach my "golden years" I'm looking forward to retirement and hoping to enjoy the fruits of all our hard work. I've been nostalgic, looking back on all our good memories. And in that process I kept bumping up against that one period in my life that I cannot bear to remember. And trying to ignore it. But I could not shake the feeling that I'm on the cusp of being able to retire in my dream home with the love of my life, the girl I thought would always be true. Only she wasn't. She cheated on me during the most difficult time in my life. And she blamed it on me. And I swallowed all the blame and all the shame that went with that.
It's not that she never took responsibility. She did. She has apologized many times and said that none of it was my fault. But there were two problems with that. First, it left the implication that I was somehow still deficient even if that didn't justify what she did. And second, I never really understood *who* she was at that time. I still couldn't digest the fact that she would ever lie to me. So it wasn't conceivable to me that she would do something so horrible if I wasn't somehow at fault.
While I was still struggling with that, I was cleaning out the basement and came across the notes I took when I was playing detective after D-day. In the clear light of day, almost 20 years later, it was obvious to me that she hadn't been completely honest with me. I had gone back to this delusion that we had lived a shared life for all these years, when I really didn't know what the hell was going on with her for two years or more.
And I realized then that it wasn't acceptable to me. I had signed up to share my whole life exclusively with one person. Old fashioned, I know, but I had been true to that and she had not. And now I found myself with a two plus year gap in my reality where I really didn't know what the fuck was going on in my life.
So I went to the complete opposite extreme. I have a right to know everything that was going on in our lives - and therefore her life - during that time. Everything. If something occurs to me and I decide that I want to know it, I will ask - no matter how fine the detail. And we've been working through that process for nearly a year. Trickle truth after all these years. But we're getting there.
I understand why some people feel like they don't want details. I wasn't sure and in the trauma and fear of losing my marriage I didn't have the courage to push for even a full accounting of the events. I wish I would have done that. Because I think that you really can't fully understand that gravity of what you're trying to forgive until you are faced with the full weight of just how much betrayal and deceit went into it. And I don't think that a WS can fully atone for their actions until they can be fully honest.