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The art (and luck!) of finding a helpful therapist


getbusyliving ( member #71058) posted at 3:43 AM on Thursday, June 23rd, 2022

My issue here is that I did the research, checked in with some good IC or got recommended some but their books are full and they are not taking on new clients (because they are good). Same trying to help my then teenage and now adult children. The one we did find was terrible and I have used EAP and that has not been great either. Even difficult to find any good ones who live in other locations, to work online. Almost thinking I need to find an overseas IC but gosh that could be expensive and there are the cultural differences to work through as well. My WH finally got into seeing a good psychologist now that he relates to, but it has taken ages. We have had a great MC for the last four years but she is very ill now and I miss her as she was spot on. We have a crisis in our country with mental health and a lack of investment in it for decades. Maybe in larger countries, or with larger populations there is more choice. It has just been so frustrating!

BS:54 (me). WS:54. together 30 yrs on DD1 March 2017.

TT /lies until DD2 July 2017OL,P, EA, Sex workers.

Dates known: 1991, 2004, 2009, 2011, 2016, 2017.

posts: 86   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2019   ·   location: Aotearoa /NZ
id 8741499

 WhatsRight (original poster member #35417) posted at 10:54 AM on Thursday, June 23rd, 2022

Yes, the whole thing is so frustrating- mad

In a time where a person needs support and direction so badly, it’s very frustrating not to be able to get the help you need. And I think we are at a disadvantage simply by the nature of the situation that we are in. We’re in such a bad place with the infidelity, that is very hard to be discerning enough to pick the right IC or MC.

And the fact that I have been to several MC and have never truly felt supported or even not blamed for what happened with my husband. For his cheating. That’s really tough.

Some of you seem so capable of characterizing your IC as ineffective, or incapable. That’s really hard for me, because in the aftermath of the affair, and even way down the road, I’m not sure if I am able to correctly evaluate if it’s the counselor or me.

When we went to one MC and she told me that I was dwelling on the infidelity too much…that my H was just temporarily insane and I should move past it… I knew in my heart that was wrong. But there was something nagging in the back of my mind, wondering if I was really going crazy, and maybe she was right. When we got dinner after that particular session, I asked my husband how he thinks it was going. He mumbled something because he is a very poor communicator and he is TOTALLY conflict avoidant. I said I felt she was being hard on me and even he agreed. duh

I think she was just going through the motions with us, and I think she was more concerned with getting one in the "win" column rather than actually helping us through it. This makes more sense to me now, in light of what someone posted earlier… That in MC, the marriage is the client. I definitely need to speak with someone who is on my team exclusively…tough love and all

At this point, so far down the road, my husband is certainly not actively cheating. To my knowledge he has not since my initial discovery. And I am not still acutely discombobulated by the whole thing.

What I am dealing with now is how, because the whole mess was never healed, or even dealt with at all, the whole experience has affected our marriage, and also very importantly, it has changed me.

Even this far out, when I should have worked at it, and put it behind me, I feel I am such a changed person. I am not innocent anymore. I’m not really happy anymore. I find my health is failing me. Sometimes I worry that the beginning of dementia is happening to me because I can’t think of words or put thoughts together.

So IC at this point would certainly involve the infidelity that happened, but would be more focused on how that experience has altered to the rest of my life, and what I can do to minimize that affect from this point forward.

I sure do appreciate all of your comments and suggestions and help. When the resources are available, I look forward to trying to find someone that could have a positive impact on my life.

Thanks again.

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 7403   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8741513

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:44 PM on Thursday, June 23rd, 2022

Wouldn’t it be great if they offered a free consultation like lawyers do?

You can refuse to make an appointment unless you have a 10-15 minute conversation about what you wnat and what the therapist is able and willing to do.

I've had to find an IC several times in my life because I've moved, or the IC moved, or our schedules no longer fit, or - in one case - my IC died. The first appointments was always preceded by that type of conversation.

Also, in most sitches, a good IC won't help by making your decision for you; the IC helps by helping you find the decision that looks best to you.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27290   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8741546
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