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Wayward Side :
Old demeaning of spouse- how to take it back?

question

 MIgander (original poster member #71285) posted at 10:15 PM on Monday, June 13th, 2022

Before and during and recently after my A, my best friend (RW) was my main support. Her family has kids our age and our H's get along. They're good people and I do miss having them in my life. We had a falling out when a mutual friend revealed her A. RW was sworn to secrecy about it (their H's are good friends). The friend swore me to secrecy, but considering my past, I decided to tell my H. The friend was beyond hurt (of course) and RW was upset too. RW decided not to tell her H. The "friend" was just going to heal on her own and never tell her H about her A. Well... this was about 2 years after Dday and really... I know better now what a crock of shit that is. My H and I agonized together over what to do about it. RW said that I would wreck their family if I told. I told her, "friend already wrecked her family with her A." Eventually I told RW's H about it. RW cut me off and stopped speaking with me. "Friend" told her H a month later- I credit RW's H with giving her an ultimatum- tell by x date or I will.

Anyway, all that to say... A's completely suck and I lost a good friend to not just my own actions (I'll get to that in a min), but the A of another.

ANYWAY... My actions... I would bitch and complain about my H for HOURS. All the stuff we had trouble with- finances, his lack of respect, selfishness,v lack of affection, comparisons of me to our mutual friend "D" and on and on. H was very hurt by this, knowing that one of my good close friends must have thought that he was a horrible person because of what I told her. H was uncomfortable to be around RW and her family. RW insisted that she didn't have a completely negative view of H, that she knew him herself and saw him as both good and bad.

Thing is, no matter how I justified my complaining to RW about H, it hurt him and he felt disrespected by it. My complaining and my resentments around H's behavior were what I used to justify my A. Now I'm VERY careful who I talk to about what and VERY careful about saying ANYTHING negative. Going forward, I'm working hard to build friendships that are positive for BOTH of us. But that doesn't fix the past.

Current day- we saw RW and her H at a mutual friend's kid's grad party. It brought up a TON of pain in H. It took him right back to the days I was bitching about him to her. He was hurting too since he misses their friendship. Thing is, I don't know what to do to make it right to him. Do I go and talk to RW about what I said and did (and apologize for how much of her energy and time I sucked out of her life?)- that's really needed any how. But, I'm not sure how to help heal H and heal the friendship. My family isn't good at mending fences (and really neither are H's), so I don't have a good example to go on. I don't want to make things worse than they are and don't want to have unrealistic expectiations either.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Ending current one of his own accord- recognized it as "inappropriate" and stopping. Still won't call them A's... can't have everything in life.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

posts: 721   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8740034
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numb&dumb ( member #28542) posted at 2:52 PM on Tuesday, June 14th, 2022

So all resolutions in your M are only going to be resolved between your H and yourself. Complaining to her about your H likely normalized the justification machine that made the choice to have an A easier.

Clearly RW keeps secrets and likes the power it gives her. That is why she was upset by the reveal of another's affair. If she was authentic she would have tried to covince her friend to do the right thing or not feed the drama. Further she is likely prone to an A herself and her H likely worries about her doing so. Anyway. . .

As I said to keep the amends between the two of you. You can't take those words back and unfortunately your H is still hurt. To most men being respected by their wife is a pathway to love. I found it extremely hard to have positive feelings for my wife if I know she doesn't respect me.

Although it seems counter intuitive I would share in greater detail (maybe wriiten down) what you complained about to her. I mean all of it, including things you complained about that are not about your H.

Let him process that detail. It likely will be a hard few days, but once he reads them he may be able to point out his perspective.

He could do the same WRT to you. Again, this is only going to work in the context of getting everything on the table. Once you have discussed it and it doesn't sting anymore

Then I'd follow up with things that you are proud of your husband and what you respect most about him.

You get the idea. Get it out in the open between the two of you so it can be discussed. Seeing him wince and your reaction to helping him feel better will do more to help make peace with it than involving someone else again.

If I were your H that is what would help me address it and replace it with more positive thoughts.

Caution: do not share positives that are not genuine. It is not the time to make anything up.

Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.

Bring it, life. I am ready for you.

posts: 5022   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2010
id 8740111
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TheEnd ( member #72213) posted at 6:19 PM on Wednesday, June 29th, 2022

I'm on the fence regarding going back to the friend and retracting what you had said. Unless it is something your husband specifically wants you to do, I don't see how it helps. As the poster above said, these issues are between you and your spouse. No third party belongs in your marriage.

As for making amends to him, it might help to discuss with him your frame of mind then. How you viewed things through your own hurt / angry lens and it warped your picture of him. In other words, own it but in an authentic way that you can explain. Not that it makes it right but for his pain to be somewhat relieved, he needs to know that it wasn't him, it was you. If you're able to trace insult A with warped thinking B it shows you have grown, that you recognize your own shit and how terribly unfair to him it was.

I hope I'm making sense. It's more a feel I have than a straightforward plan. But for all BS's the WS owning it, sharing their thoughts, feelings and flaws and correcting those things is pretty key.

And of course, as you correct, explain how you feel now and why you feel that way.

"Back then, I was angry with you for what I felt was neglect and constant comparison to another woman. I let that anger consume me rather than coming to you and trying to connect. In my rage, that is all I saw in you so that is how I described you. I see now that was not the complete picture of you or our marriage. You in fact provided ABC and my rage didn't allow me to appreciate that about you. I wish I had come to you rather than let that anger fester. I should have. My anger is not an excuse but it was driving me at the time and I lost the full view of you and us. I don't want that to happen ever again."

posts: 188   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8742540
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