Before and during and recently after my A, my best friend (RW) was my main support. Her family has kids our age and our H's get along. They're good people and I do miss having them in my life. We had a falling out when a mutual friend revealed her A. RW was sworn to secrecy about it (their H's are good friends). The friend swore me to secrecy, but considering my past, I decided to tell my H. The friend was beyond hurt (of course) and RW was upset too. RW decided not to tell her H. The "friend" was just going to heal on her own and never tell her H about her A. Well... this was about 2 years after Dday and really... I know better now what a crock of shit that is. My H and I agonized together over what to do about it. RW said that I would wreck their family if I told. I told her, "friend already wrecked her family with her A." Eventually I told RW's H about it. RW cut me off and stopped speaking with me. "Friend" told her H a month later- I credit RW's H with giving her an ultimatum- tell by x date or I will.
Anyway, all that to say... A's completely suck and I lost a good friend to not just my own actions (I'll get to that in a min), but the A of another.
ANYWAY... My actions... I would bitch and complain about my H for HOURS. All the stuff we had trouble with- finances, his lack of respect, selfishness,v lack of affection, comparisons of me to our mutual friend "D" and on and on. H was very hurt by this, knowing that one of my good close friends must have thought that he was a horrible person because of what I told her. H was uncomfortable to be around RW and her family. RW insisted that she didn't have a completely negative view of H, that she knew him herself and saw him as both good and bad.
Thing is, no matter how I justified my complaining to RW about H, it hurt him and he felt disrespected by it. My complaining and my resentments around H's behavior were what I used to justify my A. Now I'm VERY careful who I talk to about what and VERY careful about saying ANYTHING negative. Going forward, I'm working hard to build friendships that are positive for BOTH of us. But that doesn't fix the past.
Current day- we saw RW and her H at a mutual friend's kid's grad party. It brought up a TON of pain in H. It took him right back to the days I was bitching about him to her. He was hurting too since he misses their friendship. Thing is, I don't know what to do to make it right to him. Do I go and talk to RW about what I said and did (and apologize for how much of her energy and time I sucked out of her life?)- that's really needed any how. But, I'm not sure how to help heal H and heal the friendship. My family isn't good at mending fences (and really neither are H's), so I don't have a good example to go on. I don't want to make things worse than they are and don't want to have unrealistic expectiations either.
WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Back at it again- bantering w the younger woman. Lied about blocking phone calls and deleted texts. Carried on with her.
Nothing changes if nothing changes.