Beagle (original poster member #79560) posted at 2:11 AM on Wednesday, June 8th, 2022
Met with the mediator on Monday. Reviewed and signed off on everything. Paperwork was sent by e file. We don’t even have to appear. I asked for a divorce on April 23 and 2k later it’s basically done. Just needs the stamp of approval from a judge which is guaranteed as it’s a mutually agreed upon document.
It’s odd though. A 10 year marriage and total 15 year relationship done. We still live together and I have 6 months to leave per the agreement. I want to leave as soon as possible and I’m looking for a house now.
When I am around her I am completely triggered and anxious. When she isn’t around I’m completely fine. It’s so odd. The person that I loved, and probably still love, is like a stranger to me now. Without trust there is nothing. Just wanted to update everyone and thank you for all the support.
BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 2:45 AM on Wednesday, June 8th, 2022
Good job taking that next step.
And yes, the WS is often a trigger by their very existence. It will be more peaceful when you are not cohabiting.
Keep working on healing you, and you are going to be just fine.
Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)
**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **
barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 4:35 PM on Wednesday, June 8th, 2022
I am happy for you (and honestly... a little envious).
I know that getting divorced is awful but you didn't do this to yourself. You can only control yourself and you did a great job in getting yourself divorced in a relatively painless way.
Me: BH, age 48Her: WS, age 45 (multiple EAs and PAs)D-Day: August 30, 2016
Diagnosed with depression in December 2016, which was primarily caused by my xWW's affair and associated emotional abuse.
Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 12:12 PM on Thursday, June 9th, 2022
Maybe one of the best healers is distance. People often say time, but all time does is allow you to settle into a new pattern. If that pattern is infused by your then-ex… it’s more like an adjustment than healing.
Get out of the house as soon as you can. If you need to rent for a year then fine. It’s better than waiting five months and then moving into whatever house you can find the last month.
Once out then minimize contact. Don’t fall into the trap that mommy and daddy need to show kids that they are all mature and can go for a picnic together as a family. That picnic starts getting weird when mommy wants to bring Uncle Joe along too.
DEFINITELY be cordial and the best coparents you possibly can. No gain at all in childish aloofness or unnecessary barbs or bad feelings. But you two are two people that have the joint task of raising your kids and that’s it. You don’t need to visit, chat, have a coffee or interact more than is necessary for the kids.
Love is like a flower in that if it isn’t tended to it whittles away and dies. Whatever emotions you have for her will only be kept alive with her presence, and distance allows you to mourn what you had and rejoice in what you have. Over time you will hopefully create a healthy and neutral OR friendly relationship with her that helps with the coparenting. But she’s gone as your partner.
Sometimes in the not-so-distant future you might be OK with taking the kids to the lake and meeting up with your ex and her then-partner (who hopefully will be a good and caring coparent to your kids) as well as maybe your new partner (who hopefully will be a good and caring coparent to your kids…) and you all have a nice time with the children. But by that time everyone will be in understanding of the new family dynamics and in acceptance of where they are.
"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus