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Wayward Side :
OW and her contact details. What did you do?

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 throwaway3692 (original poster new member #80344) posted at 2:59 PM on Monday, May 23rd, 2022

Hi everyone -

I will post more about my story later on, don't have the brain capacity to go into it just now. When you ended things with your AP, did you keep their contact details? And if so, why?

The only method of contact I had with my AP was over the phone. I still have her number. What does me keeping it symbolize?
Is it keeping a door open to future contact?

posts: 18   ·   registered: May. 23rd, 2022
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sundance ( member #72129) posted at 3:33 PM on Monday, May 23rd, 2022

original poster: I still have her number. What does me keeping it symbolize?

To me (and it may be different for you), it symbolizes that you have yet to grasp the severity and utter wrongness of your past actions.

"It is unwise to be too sure of one's own wisdom. It is healthy to be reminded that the strongest might weaken and the wisest might err." ― Mahatma Gandhi

Best of luck in freeing yourself! Sundance

Rusty: You scared?
Linus: You suicidal?
Rusty: Only in the morning.

posts: 135   ·   registered: Nov. 21st, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8736550
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DaddyDom ( member #56960) posted at 3:42 PM on Monday, May 23rd, 2022

It is not uncommon for new WS's to panic over the loss of their AP. It doesn't symbolize anything... rather, it states quite explicitly that you are not yet willing to let go of your AP. It is a "just in case, CYA" plan. It is, to many people, a continuance of the affair itself. If your spouse was having sex with another person and decided to keep their number around "just in case", how would you feel?

What possible legitimate reason could you have for needing to contact the AP in the future? Are you planning to meet for tea, or to exchange holiday cards? Maybe your spouse will want to ask them for dating advice or to babysit the kids? Perhaps you'll end up just being the very "bestest" of friends?

In all seriousness, the only thing you need to do with the AP is to block them from every possible way of reaching you that you can. Block their phone #, block them on social media, and send them an NC letter that states in no uncertain terms that they are no longer wanted, needed or welcome in your life and to go away forever.

If my response comes off a little harsh, I apologize. One of the first "hard truths" that WS's need to embrace is that it is OVER. Well, the affair is over, or the marriage is over (or both). If you plan on having any chance of saving your marriage, then the affair and everything and everyone involved in it has to be gone from your life. No spouse will be okay with you keeping in contact with the AP or even leaving that door open. And to be honest, you should really respect yourself enough to not want to continue down that path. But that can, and does, take some time. And we're here to help you through that. In the same way that you a wound can't heal until you pull the knife out first, you can't heal from infidelity without getting rid of the cause first.

Please take some time to go look at the "The healing library" (link at top of page) and get an idea of what post-affair life feels like, and how you can best help yourself and your spouse to move forward.

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1282   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017
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 throwaway3692 (original poster new member #80344) posted at 4:17 PM on Monday, May 23rd, 2022

@sundance @daddydom

thank you both for your answers. I am not speaking to my AP - I feel me keeping her in my contacts though keeps a door open to future contact. I am just trying to sort my head out and need to hear that me keeping it shows that by keeping it means it isnt really over whether we are currently speaking or not and I know I need to delete it.

posts: 18   ·   registered: May. 23rd, 2022
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Bulcy ( member #74034) posted at 9:23 PM on Monday, May 23rd, 2022

ThrowAway,

Welcome to SI and well done for finding us and reaching out. Many Waywards do not do what you've done.

You're still in the affair. Keeping her as a contact is dangerous. You need to break contact immediately if you're serious about trying to save current relationship. You need to break contact, this means break any possible form of contact. Is your BS aware of you still having her number? How does she feel about this? If she does not know how do you think she will react?

It will be beneficial to know a bit more about your situation before anyone can offer any useful advice. You need to be completely free from the affair. Go No Contact (NC) and stick with this. Many of us former waywards on here did not do this properly. You will get great advice and support on this site. Please listen to what we say, it might be harsh advice at times (Keep posting with the stop sign for now), you will be called out for any bullshit. Stick with us, it's hard at times and you will want to leave and give up when times get really tough.

Please try and post more information to allow the "older" posters to help you with more specific advise (by older I mean that they've been here longer and are further down the road to R). Read How to help your spouse heal from your affair - Linda MacDonald. This is a great book for a repentant wayward. By biggest advice will be "follow the advice" get out of the affair and get your head out of your ass.

WH (40's) Me. Emotional affair (2017), Physical affair (2003) and online affairs, Two physical affairs (2000). D-Day's 2003, August '17, multiple discoveries through 2018,19 and 20, Jan 21 and 2022

posts: 199   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2020   ·   location: UK
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 throwaway3692 (original poster new member #80344) posted at 8:15 AM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022

Thank you for your very informative replies. Would you say the AP is still in my life even though we aren't speaking? I feel that because I have kept her number, it symbolises that I will reach out to her again. I know things cant work at home if AP is still in my life, speaking or not. Does that make sense?

posts: 18   ·   registered: May. 23rd, 2022
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WalkinOnEggshelz ( Administrator #29447) posted at 11:29 AM on Tuesday, May 24th, 2022

This is a duplicate thread. Please support this member on "I kept AP number"

Me: WS late 40’s
Him: BH (HoldingTogether)
D Day: 7/24/2010
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

posts: 15246   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2010   ·   location: Texas
id 8736763
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