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Newest Member: Gtacch

Just Found Out :
It's been 2 years since D-Day and I'm convinced divorce is inevitable

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 Sky706 (original poster new member #78946) posted at 3:04 AM on Monday, May 9th, 2022

My initial post was in 2021.
This is an update..

Wife had an affair in May 2020 with co worker , while Im in USA for my masters (2019-till date). Our relationship has gone from being a couple deeply in love to couple who can't see each other. WS has insisted that she has cut off all contacts with AP. But I was not convinced. she confessed her affair and I have the timeline. However she has minimized it to a one- day contact. I have been tracking their online activity and after a year of tracking I'm convinced that they are still chatting and she has another phone.She has not shown any remorse, blaming me for the affair, avoiding talking with excuses ( body pain,tired, no time,busy, gonna sleep). But she is chatting late nights and early morning.

I received advise from this group to focus on my studies and deal with it later as I'm dependent on her (no job, expenses of study,my son with stays with me ,so additional expenses).

For past 6 months I have not accused her of continuing relation with affair partner. This has made her relaxed and chatting with AP is very regular. I have maintained minimum contact , avoided romantic talks, not shown interest in her life and relationship is not all going great.
She blames me for not working towards a peaceful and healthy relationship and has totally moved away from discussing her affair.
Although affair is a deal breaker for me, I was ready to give her a chance considering I was away and what if AP manipulated her(her story is AP was relentlessly calling her and in one impulsive moment she told she can come for a drive and what happened in car was not planned and before it proceeded to becoming fully physical, she stopped it. She considers this as a proof of her character and her commitment to marrriage).

My request to her was to give me a full timeline because I don't believe her version of affair as a one time contact. But she has held her story she said on D-Day. Nothing has been added. I have lost hope of her telling the truth and she's not gonna stop the contact with AP.Her behavior shows she has checked out of marriage.The reason being she does not want to join me in US. Initially she proposed she will join in 2030, but wants elder son to join me next year.i insisted that all move at same time as I cannot look after 2 kids. The son who is with me has autism and It is not easy to look after him myself. Finally she agreed to join in 2026/2027 after I probed why she want to work in UAE for 8 years more and questioned her lack of desire to live as a family.She has mentioned she is just staying for kids. She has been accusing me of using her for my advancement( supporting my education) and calls me selfish and has mentioned that I am planning to leave her. She has accused me continuously of cheating in US.

My course is over. I am graduating next week and I got a job with start date in July or August. I'm happy now and eagerly looking forward to a career as behavior analyst. I plan to visit UAE in July. I want to initiate divorce proceedings then and plan to have a discussion with her.

The problem is the unpredictable nature as how it will go. She has been verbally abusive and couple of times hit me with heavy objects. I have always forgiven her because she was abused as a child. I can imagine her being hyper emotional, loud and angry.I think she has narcissistic personality disorder. I realized this after I took few quizzes and have been reading a lot about NPD.Whatever happens, I have to discuss divorce with her.

If I discuss with her in July, I will file for divorce in UAE and if she agrees then it can be done in 2 weeks.Most likely she will delay it. I will return to US in July and start my new job.
Other option is not to discuss in July, but discuss in December when I go to UAE again.By this time ,I would have rented a home , will have some savings. I don't have much cash in bank as we had jointly invested most of our savings in our home and in land.

As one of our son is with me in US. I reckon I will need some financial support initially while moving to a new city. If I initiate divorce she may stop that. But there's the possibility of court ordering her to give support for me and son for couple of months.

I have 3 boys and we have great relationship.I would like to discuss this in July but want to know your views

posts: 30   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8734283
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 3:46 AM on Monday, May 9th, 2022

It looks like your marriage has run the course and is over. If you need time to get money to look after your children then delay talking about it for now. Are you staying in the US or going back to UAE? If you are in two separate countries it will be hard for you to get support money. Talk to a lawyer in whatever country you are going to live. You need legal guidance.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3296   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8734291
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Buster123 ( member #65551) posted at 4:32 AM on Monday, May 9th, 2022

She blames me for not working towards a peaceful and healthy relationship and has totally moved away from discussing her affair.

Although affair is a deal breaker for me, I was ready to give her a chance considering I was away and what if AP manipulated her(her story is AP was relentlessly calling her and in one impulsive moment she told she can come for a drive and what happened in car was not planned and before it proceeded to becoming fully physical, she stopped it. She considers this as a proof of her character and her commitment to marrriage).

Brother all that is irrelevant, the fact she's still talking to AP speaks volumes, it indicates the A is still active and your only logical choice is to D, based on what you posted this M is a farce but I think you have now realized that you need to end it. Based on your situation and your dependence on her income and the situation with your children, I suggest you wait a few more months until you are fully employed and in a much better position financially, when it's more convenient for you and your children (you've been living apart from her for a long time anyway), however in the meantime talk to a D attorney immediately to know your legal options and follow his/her advice.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 4:34 AM, Monday, May 9th]

posts: 2588   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8734296
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 11:27 AM on Monday, May 9th, 2022

I recommend that you wait to D until you’ve built up savings. However, if you have the funds now, I would obtain legal advice now.

posts: 401   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8734317
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 3:41 PM on Monday, May 9th, 2022

She has been accusing me of using her for my advancement( supporting my education) and calls me selfish and has mentioned that I am planning to leave her.

But you DID use her to support your education and you ARE planning to leave her, so it sounds like her concern about leaving a good job is warranted.

Here's the thing... no cheater is owed a second chance, but you acted like you were giving her one while all along you apparently knew that her cheating was a deal-breaker. And for her part, she acted like she wanted R while apparently still chatting to other people and not doing the work. True reconciliation take two.. and you both have to be working as hard as you can.

I would say, don't wait. See an attorney in the States and find out exactly what you have to do. Then, go do it. It sounds to me like the best thing for everyone involved is that the two of you get on with your lives and leave each other to do the same.

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5414   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8734362
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 4:04 PM on Monday, May 9th, 2022

Thank you for checking back and updating us.

As I recall the OM now lives in the USA with a professional wife who (if she knew about his affair) would destroy both of their careers.

First, I suggest you speak with an attorney (or several) in the jurisdiction where you will be working and divorcing.

Build your plan around anticipated spousal support,child support, child custody.

Be sure and get legal advice as to when to expose your wife's affair (before or after divorce).

Second, IMO your marriage never had a chance to R because the OM has been (and still is) a continuous wedge between you two.

Your wife is in a fantasy relationship with the OM. She doesn't really know him (just the image he presents via texting).

Your wife is comparing you to him (a fantasy man) - and it's a contest that no spouse can win (nor should they have to).

Third, at some point you should plan to expose their affair to the OM's wife because: the OBS deserves to know; not exposing makes your complicit in their affair; and it may be your best chance to save your marriage (if that's what you want).

Why?

1 - it's one of the few consequences for infidelity.

2 - blowing up your wife's fantasy may be your best chance for her to hit rock bottom .... immediately relocate to the USA with you and be receptive to rebuilding a new marriage (and starting a new career in the USA).

3 - exposing the OM (after years of this POS interfering in your marriage) will provide you some relief from your anger and frustration.

Finally,money is power and strength. I suggest you not expose them or file for divorce until you build up a cash reserve.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 4:05 PM, Monday, May 9th]

posts: 2573   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8734366
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 7:04 PM on Monday, May 9th, 2022

You are at no obligation, moral or otherwise, to inform anyone who might cause your STBX to lose her job. That's basically asking you to blow a hole in the bottom of your own boat and it's more than you are required to do. If you're divorcing your STBX and she becomes unemployed, it's going to be YOU paying the alimony and child support. Your better bet is to just get a good attorney and do what they tell you to do.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 7:06 PM, Monday, May 9th]

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5414   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8734396
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H3LL0 ( member #47872) posted at 8:05 AM on Sunday, May 15th, 2022

Because of the international nature you really need to speak to an attorney qualified in international divorce. Get a list of questions and exhaust them on your initial free consultation. Some work programs provide free legal referrals.

If you want blood the best time to divorce a woman is while she's cheating, she'll be more willing to give the children up as they can tend to burden flings.

Reconciliation is hard enough with cheating. I'd say it is near impossible in a long distance relationship.

You cannot start reconciliation till she's come clean. Anything else is just gaslighting yourself.

While she's cheating (in the fog) she will lie to you just like a drug addict. Don't enable her filthy habit. She is in no position to make sound caring loving decisions for you or your children while she's in the fog.

Hope this helps

Me: BS, 41 Her: WS, 35
4 Children
Married 19 yrs; DDay 3/2015
2nd DDay 4/2015 3rd DDay 5/2015, Breach of NC 4/2016, 9/2016, 10/2016, 12/2016
Started Real Reconciliation Feb/2017

posts: 494   ·   registered: May. 13th, 2015
id 8735405
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 Sky706 (original poster new member #78946) posted at 6:50 PM on Sunday, May 15th, 2022

Thanks to everyone for the advices.

I was planning to move for divorce in UAE as I'm still a resident of UAE. They have a new fast track setup that gives mutual divorce in 2 weeks.My assumption is she won't contest because adultery is punishable under UAE law and if the case is contested then I will be forced to give the reason and that won't be good for her personally and professionally. If I do it in US or India(my country) it's gonna drag on for years.

I certainly understand that I need to have savings and I need to wait a little.
It's almost 2 years and it's difficult to do a proper 180 because of kids. To avoid giving her indication of divorce, I have not brought up her continued cheating.she thinks I have believed her claim of being in NC with AP. She speaks to me as if she's very concerned about me , and puts the blame on me for getting angry and irritated. I do get angry and am irritated while talking to her because I know she's still in contact with AP. I really can't fake feelings and cannot act loving when I'm not. This is affecting me. For me initiating divorce will at least relieve me from acting as if everything's good in marriage and will allow me to not have any communication with spouse. I just want peace of mind.

In July, I'll discuss with spouse about need for divorce due to her continued contact with AP. She will definitely deny and accuse me. Maybe I'll be able to initiate proceedings in July.
Even if I'm not able to, at least that will allow me to remain NC with her and probably move for divorce after 6 months. The inability to reveal the affair ( it will affect our family financially), not able to take a stand as I have not started a job and inability to concentrate on my studies ( for 2 years, somehow I have managed my studies, got good grades and graduated 2 days back) has affected me emotionally and physically. I will be much relieved if I'm in total NC with her.

I have understood the advices by you all which is very practical. When I meet my spouse in July, I want to convey that the relationship is over because she has been lying and cheating after D-Day, thus breaking her own promise. She also knew that any more incidents would result in divorce. Since she has narc like personality ( I think she's), future is gonna be a repeat of our life so far.For me, being out of relationship is best option. Being alone for 2 years looking after my son, I'm comfortable being single. I value an environment that is truthful, that doesn't distract or make me angry. Right now, that environment is one which does not include my spouse.

It's easy to pen my feelings , but I know it's a difficult task to go through all these and much more difficult when the family is not in one location. I will see how things unfold and move accordingly.

posts: 30   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8735445
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 11:34 PM on Monday, May 16th, 2022

Don't try to get her back. You want her out of your life. It's weird that you've described how she's continuing to cheat, unrepentant about the affair, AND physically abusive, but there are still posts suggesting ways to try to get her back.

You want a divorce. The issue here is the timing. You're fortunate that you don't have to live with her now, so there is no expectation of sex or even really getting along, which makes waiting to file for divorce really easy. In your shoes I would wait until I was graduated, moved to the new job location, and financially secure enough to deal with no money coming from her for a while. As a PP mentioned, due to living in different countries, getting money from her in the future might turn out to be difficult or impossible. Don't put yourself in a situation where you can't cope without continued support from her.

In the meantime, research family law attorneys who practice where you plan to move, and find a few who have good experience with international cases. Get consultations from them now- don't wait for that. Consultations are either free or a relatively nominal fee, and they will serve the dual purposes of helping you find a lawyer you like & knowing about how much retaining an attorney will cost, as well as giving you some basic information and tips about how to proceed in the meantime (although they won't give official legal advice until you've retained them). But once you've found the one you want, there is no rush to retain them. I consulted with lawyers & didn't retain one of them until a few years had passed. Not that you should wait that long in your case- I'm just making the point that it's a good idea to see lawyers early. It can take time to find the right one, and you want to get a feel for the cost (and the cost of a good family lawyer is WORTH IT).

Finally, once you're ready, have her served with papers. You do NOT need to talk to her about divorce in person. If she's an abusive narc, as you've described, it won't go well. You would just waste your money and time traveling there for that purpose.

posts: 168   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8735612
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RocketRaccoon ( member #54620) posted at 7:43 AM on Tuesday, May 17th, 2022

Just a quick question.

Have you gotten any proof that can be used in a court of law, regarding your WW's infidelity?

If you are going to go the route of filing on the grounds of infidelity, the onus will be on you to provide that info.

So, what I am trying to get at, since your WW seems to have been lulled into a false sense of security, it might be a good idea to get a PI to gather the info before you broach the subject of D with your WW......

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 968   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8735661
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