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General :
Rough Antiversary for me

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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 10:59 PM on Saturday, May 7th, 2022

Advice on living through the unliveable is welcome.
Please be gentle.

I personally hate antiversaries. Not only has this past month been a dumpster 馃敟馃殥 with my getting covid and the stress of trying to settle a divorce with someone who to my knowledge has not agreed to one thing towards settlement in several years.

Last communication from WS is that they won't honor the settlement agreement they proposed because it is not binding.

I know it's easy for people to judge that I am still not legally divorced years into this. I judge myself.

I now agree with attorneys who post online that (when divorcing someone I knew was a liar who didn't care about me I needed to) forget about collaborative divorce and trying to settle. I could have hired a very skilled attorney to go on the offensive for a fraction of what my trying to be a decent human and settle has cost me.

I was a serious schmuck to believe anything the WS said. You would think I would have known better.

Since my antiversary is around mother's day weekend it's been a rough weekend.

Coincidence that he picked mother's day weekend to make threats about all the aweful things he and his new attorneys have planned for me?

posts: 938   路   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   路   location: VA
id 8734132
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 2:19 AM on Sunday, May 8th, 2022

No advice, but a big virtual hug. Please do something for you tomorrow. We can鈥檛 undo the past, but we learn from it and we do better going forward. You are doing better. You will get through this. Hang in there. (((Hugs)))

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4701   路   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   路   location: Northern CA
id 8734162
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 3:29 AM on Sunday, May 8th, 2022

Thanks Bearly!

And happy Mothers day to all the other moms!

馃尯 馃尮

posts: 938   路   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   路   location: VA
id 8734167
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Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 4:40 AM on Sunday, May 8th, 2022

Unfortunately not surprising that abusive asshats feel the need to hurt you in the most painful ways possible. Sorry you're still dealing with his rotten behind.

Big virtual hugs for you. Raise hell this mother's day wink

posts: 382   路   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8734170
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 12:46 PM on Sunday, May 8th, 2022

Thanks Forks!

Think I am going to make myself some decaf espresso and go back to sleep for a couple of hours :)

posts: 938   路   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   路   location: VA
id 8734183
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:18 PM on Sunday, May 8th, 2022

I鈥檓 sorry the STBXH is still a jerk.

No one is judging you for trying to be a decent human. There is no need to be like your STBX and trying to be at least decent is nothing to be ashamed of.

He & his attorneys are playing a dangerous game. He could keel over tomorrow and as his wife, you have rights. And you can make sure the longer you are married the more social security you can collect on his record.

I鈥檓 just sayin鈥,,

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11864   路   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8734185
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GoldenR ( member #54778) posted at 2:39 PM on Sunday, May 8th, 2022

I'm sorry, Shehawk.

You know, I'd be happy to harass the holy bejeezus out of him online for you. 馃槈

Chin up! You'll get through this. You'll be happy again. And much, much better off than you ever were with him.

posts: 2708   路   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016   路   location: South Texas
id 8734197
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Charity411 ( member #41033) posted at 5:49 PM on Sunday, May 8th, 2022

Happy Mothers Day Shehawk. No judgement here. I learned that the hard way too. Its not because we're stupid at all. Its just that because we are decent people, we have a hard time believing that someone we married would actually become so nasty, unfair, and cruel. It isn't something we would consider until we are suddenly the viewed as the enemy by someone we loved and slept with every night. You'll get through it eventually.

posts: 1583   路   registered: Oct. 18th, 2013   路   location: Illinois
id 8734219
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 6:17 PM on Sunday, May 8th, 2022

The funny thing Thefirstwife is that so many people ask me why I am still legally married. (Our spiritual marriage in my opinion was over by year 5 of our now 30 plus year marriage. I just did not know it.) They ask like it is my fault somehow. It is. I married the WH.

They shame me a lot about my situation as if it is my fault in some way.

The thing is that WH was NEVER truthful with me about a lot of really crucial things for decades....and that same lack of truth makes getting a divorce nearly impossible at any price and completely impossible in a reasonable collaborative manner. Collaboration like marriage requires truth and good intentions.

I can't thank everyone enough for the support. There is a lot going on in my life right now and the support on here is invaluable.

posts: 938   路   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   路   location: VA
id 8734222
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 6:20 PM on Sunday, May 8th, 2022

Oh by the way Thefirstwife, to add insult to injury unless something changes and he starts working again he is going to collect on MY social security record.

posts: 938   路   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   路   location: VA
id 8734223
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 6:24 PM on Sunday, May 8th, 2022

"Its not because we're stupid at all. Its just that because we are decent people, we have a hard time believing that someone we married would actually become so nasty, unfair, and cruel. "


Thanks Charity411
You make a great point. The only thing that would make me stupid is if I keep on acting as if he will suddenly change and start telling the truth and treat me the way he would want to be treated.

posts: 938   路   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   路   location: VA
id 8734224
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 6:42 PM on Sunday, May 8th, 2022

"Chin up! You'll get through this. You'll be happy again. And much, much better off than you ever were with him."

Well put In this quote GoldenR


I already am much better.

I plan to continue keep my upward trend. Keep the distance between myself and WH as much as possible. Keep on telling the truth to the court. Non interference in his life. Let his actions have their own consequences.


I am really appreciative of all the support in this group.

posts: 938   路   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   路   location: VA
id 8734226
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 12:11 AM on Monday, May 9th, 2022

There is nothing wrong with you. You are a very good person who had the bad luck to fall for the wrong guy, and have been treated abusively by him. Yes, the cheating, lying and bullying are all abusive. That abuse is 100% on him, not you. It isn't your fault that you didn't find the perfect, ideal way to respond to abuse. If you knew a child who had been abused, would you blame them for not coping perfectly with the abuse? No, you would not. So please don't blame yourself. Blame him, and keep the blame on him, where it belongs.

Get an attorney who will be a bulldog on your behalf, and stop communicating with your fWW. Everything will get better after you're divorced and a legally binding agreement is in place, I promise you.

You are a good person. You deserved better. You still deserve better. We care about you.

[This message edited by morningglory at 12:12 AM, Monday, May 9th]

posts: 173   路   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8734268
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 10:14 PM on Monday, May 9th, 2022

Thanks morning glory!

I appreciate the support and kind words.

It would be awesome to have an attorney mitigating the stress for me. Unfortunately wh expended more than one retainer I put down by things like stonewalling and taking me back to court and back to court, hiding asetts, and other strategies.

I don't have an attorney. That leaves me with the choice of quitting the divorce action or represent myself as best I can.

Is representing myself a great plan. That remains to be seen. But
it got to the point where it was costing me way more than any rational judge would ever award him for me to have counsel....

posts: 938   路   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   路   location: VA
id 8734428
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Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 10:32 PM on Monday, May 9th, 2022

Are there no pro bono lawyers that can help?

posts: 382   路   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8734430
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 12:54 AM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

Hello Forks

The short version is that we would not qualify.

The longer version is that the state provides options for me to represent myself.

It is hard. I was unprepared for him taking a no contest divorce and making it a dumpster fire.

And I made the rookie mistake of trusting him when he had lied to me and risked my life. He was not safe or trustworthy.

It cost me the money I could have used for an aggressive case against him when I caught him. I gave up ground and I failed to see his long game which I think was always continuing to lie and to financially break me.

That said, I won't be the first person who had been stung like this or probably the last.

There is a legal forms library and I am looking into the legal help clinics that supposedly exist.

He did this to me when I was life threateningly sick. And I loved him. That and the fact he had the element of surprise made me really vulnerable.

So I have ground to make up.

posts: 938   路   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   路   location: VA
id 8734450
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Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 4:23 AM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

Then wishing you all the strength to forge ahead.

posts: 382   路   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8734473
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 Shehawk (original poster member #68741) posted at 4:25 AM on Tuesday, May 10th, 2022

Thanks Forks
That means a lot.

The support on here means so much.

posts: 938   路   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   路   location: VA
id 8734476
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