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Divorce/Separation :
This month might be tough

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 LonelyHolidays (original poster member #79775) posted at 3:54 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

My birthday is in a few days and my 21st anniversary would be toward the end of this month. I feel stuck. I’m not doing NC well. My STBXW came back from her trip with her AP and picked up her dog from my house. I tried to plan it where I wouldn’t see her but she was at my house still when I had just taken my son to school. It would be better not seeing her at all. My son cried hard at one point of the weekend. Though I’m not on her Facebook a mutual friend showed me pictures she took while camping with her AP. He’s never in the pictures maybe because she knows it makes her look bad while still married to me. I’m so mad she can camp and have this romantic weekend while my son is sad. I told her about this and she doesn’t take responsibility. She offered to help clean the house and garage and said my house is probably depressing. It is empty and kind of a sad vibe. I used to like May. It was a time of celebration. Between Cinco De Mayo, my birthday, Mother’s Day and our anniversary we would usually be having fun and celebrating. I feel stuck now in this town in an empty house with my son and want this month to end. I need to not live in the past but this house seems like a reminder of failure. I am mad but nostalgic and think of arguments where I said things I regret or I wish I hadn’t started in some cases. I just have this empty hollow feeling. I’m not excited or happy. I get angry but then back to sort of sad. I guess it’s good my primary emotion isn’t sadness now. I’d say I just feel numb lately but it seems like a form of depression because I really don’t have much desire to do anything or date. I need out of this phase. I’m sure NC would help but I’m terrible at it. We have the son and finances. I know there is an ap I should use. I still sometimes text her about how she has been selfish and hurt everyone but it is met with excuses. There’s no point. I guess my point is it’s time to become positive about the future. I can’t think about her new life or my old one. This birthday should be a time to put the past in my rearview mirror. I know this was long. Sorry. It’s more like a journal entry I suppose. I just needed to write it out to process my feelings.

Tired of her games. BH. Married 20 years. 2 sons 16 and 20. Going through divorce since September, 2021.

posts: 85   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Santa Rosa
id 8733311
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asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 4:45 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

Stop hate texting her. You’re only showing her that you’re still hung up on her and feeding her ego. Write it down on paper and then burn it.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 439   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8733325
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 8:43 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

NC means your friends too. Tell them you don’t want to know anything about her. Not your monkey, not your circus.
Use the post here to vent out what you want to say to her, but stop feeding that monkey. Notice how whenever you communicate with her you feel worse. So stop it. Hard but simple.

You;ll get through May. You just keep moving forward- it will get better. You are still pretty early believe it or not.
It takes time for us to heal.

Are you in IC? An IC can help you reframe your thoughts and show how your own mind sometimes lies to you.
Hang in there, LH.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4701   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8733381
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 LonelyHolidays (original poster member #79775) posted at 1:55 PM on Wednesday, May 4th, 2022

Thanks Asc1226 and BearlyBreathing. I should do that with burning the list. I like it and will do that. Yes NC would help. I picked up my son at her house yesterday for the first time. It felt bad. She has complained about my ambition and the AP was playing video games inside. I’ve heard he wears weed shirts. I’m not judging but weed and video games sounds like my college buddies not a career focused guy. She was smiling and waving when she came out drinking a beer like this wasn’t weird. I find it crazy still that she left after twenty years and weeks before we’d hit 21 feels totally comfortable chit chatting in her driveway and going inside to this guy. I was in IC and need to get back. A family friend was telling me the not my monkey, not my circus also. It’s so true. I worry about her life too much and neglect mine. Thanks for your advice and support!

[This message edited by LonelyHolidays at 1:58 PM, Wednesday, May 4th]

Tired of her games. BH. Married 20 years. 2 sons 16 and 20. Going through divorce since September, 2021.

posts: 85   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Santa Rosa
id 8733524
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funnelcakes ( member #45249) posted at 2:08 AM on Friday, May 6th, 2022

Probably this month will be tough, even this year. It’s tough to be the one left managing the well-being of your kiddo while you’re grieving. It’s unfair and it sucks.

However, this is the time to think about how you and the kiddo can connect and how you can care for yourself in new ways. Things that helped me included new holiday traditions (nothing extravagant— for example I ramped up Christmas Eve by adopting the Icelandic book flood tradition). I bought a subscription of a pair of symphony tickets and invited out a different friend every time. I’d suggest for Mother’s Day you think about the least Mother’s Day legal activity and go do it. Ax throwing bar? Paint ball? Onion ring eating contest? For Father’s Day I always treat myself to something super girly, because I’m crushing dadding.

Do not imperil your healing by going to a fancy brunch on Mother’s Day if that’s what your old tradition was.

You’re not looking to spend all your time gawking at the big crater in your life. Also not trying to backfill it. Just kinda quarter turn so it’s in your peripheral vision while you guys gingerly venture into something new that could or could be a little story about what you did over the weekend.

Depending on the age of your kid, find a thing you always kinda wanted to try with them and start doing the thing. Make it your thing. Get ice cream after. Something moderately diverting that you can both look forward to is key. It doesn’t have to be amazing; you’re not in a Cold War with the ex on who has the most amazing extracurriculars. Just like, go play all the pinball machines in town or start geocaching, or learn to braid hair on YouTube.

Not really sure why she’s in your house or getting to vote on the vibe. Gently, she is the agent of the vibe and the idea that she can sit in judgment is fucked. Sideways. With a pineapple.

d-day in August of 2014, when I was SAHM 34 weeks pregnant with kid #3
A year of incontinent alcoholic cheater word salad and shitweasely blameshifting during R/S
I got a job and busted a move with three kids to a 1BR apt
D final 4/27/17.

posts: 1168   ·   registered: Oct. 15th, 2014
id 8733779
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papoula ( member #39079) posted at 3:36 AM on Friday, May 6th, 2022

Don't be so hard on yourself. It's ok not to be ok. This is all extremely painful and hard

I think you are doing great. Feel your feelings. Obviously you are sad, you are giving the end of your marriage.

Be patient with yourself, be your best friend. One day at a time, keep pushing forward and I bet one year from now, May 2023 you will be in a much better place.

Me: BS 41 years oldHim: WH 44 years old1st DDay 2013 and several others after that Married 10 yearsMoving forward with separation and divorce

posts: 141   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2013   ·   location: United States
id 8733788
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 LonelyHolidays (original poster member #79775) posted at 3:21 PM on Friday, May 6th, 2022

Thanks! I appreciate it! New traditions sounds great! I’ll be brief. My birthday is actually today and she texted Happy birthday with balloons. How sweet! Ha! She’s having a big party coincidentally tomorrow and my young son is going. Evil woman. My younger son needs his mom now but it’s unfortunate I feel it’s on her terms.

Tired of her games. BH. Married 20 years. 2 sons 16 and 20. Going through divorce since September, 2021.

posts: 85   ·   registered: Jan. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Santa Rosa
id 8733905
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