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Reconciliation :
Intimacy is gone

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 Runninghelps (original poster new member #79842) posted at 9:42 PM on Monday, May 2nd, 2022

Engaged in hysterical bonding for 3 months after start of reconciliation process. Beginning of this year, sex became sporadic and now WS won’t initiate or want to be intimate. It’s been almost three months and it’s stopped all together. Is this normal? When I mention what’s happened, he avoids it all together. Even kissing is a simple peck on the cheek. Married 25 years when the infidelity happened. He’s also beyond tired of me asking same questions over and over again. While he’s doing the work, if I don’t send him a video, or drop off a book, he wouldn’t do anything. Feels because he’s going to IC and now MC that’s enough. Is it?

posts: 7   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2022
id 8733190
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ISurvivedSoFar ( Guide #56915) posted at 10:11 PM on Monday, May 2nd, 2022

Hmmm has he disclosed everything you've asked for after d-day? Is he forthcoming?

It is up to him to meet YOU where you are at with information you need since he cheated.

He’s also beyond tired of me asking same questions over and over again.

How does he think you feel living with this on your mind every minute? What is his response to that?

Has he ever been like this sexually before in your M?

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2796   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8733191
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 10:49 PM on Monday, May 2nd, 2022

You know your husband's normal libido better than we do. So frame it that way. How often did you guys have sex pre-A?

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1909   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8733193
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 Runninghelps (original poster new member #79842) posted at 2:46 AM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

Clearly not as frequent as what was transpiring during hysterical bonding. On a good month, twice…

posts: 7   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2022
id 8733223
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StrugglingCJ ( member #72778) posted at 9:52 AM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

I have the same issue with my WW, intimacy is very rare, usually instigated by me, and often rebuffed.

I have tried talking to her to which I get various responses, ranging from she is not in the mood to maybe she is menopausal. But part of me knows during her affair she had no such hang ups.

Have you tried talking to him to ask what is up, could he be depressed or shutting himself off from you as he thinks you no longer want him?

I know that was an issue we had, my WW convinced herself I wanted out, didn't love her, hated her, not helped by the amount of arguments we were having at that time (my anger kicked in). Still to this day she thinks part of me still wants out and shuts herself off because of it.

Intimacy is a cornerstone of a relationship, and I have explained this to my WW that without being able to both be intimate, the marriage will die, as being roommates with kids is not an option.

WW caught in EA May 17
DDay Mar 19 it was full PA
Struggling for R, but still trying.

posts: 242   ·   registered: Feb. 10th, 2020   ·   location: Essex
id 8733247
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NotMyFirstRodeo ( member #75220) posted at 5:40 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

Meant as kindly as possible:

I recommend you grow your spine back and lay down your expectations for remaining with him. Then, strongly reinforce your clearly defined expectations with appropriate consequences.

Right now he holds the relative power in your relationship because he doesn't care and you do. You're chasing him and he's behaving as though you are the one with something to prove, not him. That's really dangerous, unhealthy and unfair for you.

The person who cares less has the power until the other person gets real about the consequences for their partner not so much as trying to meet their needs.

Remember that words are cheap though. So if you say something you'd better mean it and enforce commensurate consequences. If you say you'll leave if they do or don't do "X" and they default to their typical zero-effort, nothing-to-lose type character...you get your ass right up and leave.

My recommendation isn't an untested theory...I had to learn this myself. After many years of being treated a certain way I lost my spine. We were both accustomed to her attitude dictating how, what, when, where, etc., etc., etc. for everything from PDA to sex, where we lived to what was done there, vacation plans to just about everything else (exception being all of my personal business' decisions which I never relinquished -thank God!). Quite frankly I accepted that leaving all of that up to her lead to both of us being dreadfully unhappy and that if I wanted happiness for myself (and her a shot at being happy in certain ways) I needed to grow a spine, law down the law and enforce it. It was a learning experience for me and for her because it was 100% the opposite from the way we had been for about 20 years.

After many months of me being as I needed to be and her resisting, it got better. Not just for sex but it also reaches into my own general sense of self respect and the respect she has for me. We are both happier that I no longer allow her to dictate our sex life and so many other decisions. My discretion, despite her doing me very wrong, is fair, balanced and has empathy. Her discretion relied purely on her own emotions and lacked an ounce of empathy. It makes more sense that both of us rely on my discretion for all matters, sexual or not, and it took months for her to begin to understand that the "same old rules" no longer apply. Because I knew it would take her time to relearn the new us, I was patient but firm in my resolve. I was also patient with myself as it required me accepting a concept which I was not familiar with either.

I recommend you change your relationship dynamic to one that is founded upon a more balanced attitude; possibly yours. If you are fair with yourself and how things have gone you'll be able to say if what the two of you have been doing has worked or not. If it has not worked you must change your own mind over first and then also include plans for if he A) complies, or B) doesn't comply. You can only fix you. Accept that. But you can also chose to perpetuate his attitude or to enforce consequences for him not attempting to change.

The only way to succeed in this is to make some difficult decisions and accept that you'll be paddling upstream. Those moves are very likely to be resisted. The way you address that is very very simple: Poor behavior by him should result in unfavorable consequences for him. If he improves his behavior, you should encourage him to repeat it with whatever type of positive reinforcement you feel will work. He will learn or he won't. Don't allow fear of this change breaking the relationship. The relationship is already broken. The change is a last opportunity for it to heal into something proper and healthy. If it can't heal, is it really worth keeping?

You've my best wishes.

*edit: grammmmmarrrrr' me matey

[This message edited by NotMyFirstRodeo at 6:00 PM, Tuesday, May 3rd]

Every lie we tell incurs a debt to the truth. Sooner or later that debt is paid.

posts: 327   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2020
id 8733335
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 12:21 PM on Thursday, May 5th, 2022

While he’s doing the work, if I don’t send him a video, or drop off a book, he wouldn’t do anything.

Is that really work? It sounds much more like going through the motions. It's not surprising that intimacy has diminished, as he seems to be making little efforts to keep it revived.

I agree with NMFR in that you have to be your own advocate. We often need to look at ourselves in the third person and ask, "Would I tolerate this behavior from my partner?"

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married almost 30yrs.

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 4013   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8733661
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