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Divorce/Separation :
Didn't Want To Post In This Section...

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 BrokenChief (original poster new member #79372) posted at 1:22 PM on Sunday, May 1st, 2022

The last week+ has been a roller coaster. After having good MC session on Monday 2 weeks ago and ZERO issues (the last time we argued was 3-4 weeks ago when I demanded WW take a poly and she refused) well the Thursday before last she asked to go to the park (this was our spot for heavy convo) she told me she still was very unhappy, felt like a prisoner in body, mind, and home, and she wanted one again to separate so she could prove her independence and find herself (the same story she gave last summer while getting railed by my ex BFF.) Her idea was to live separately but still do counseling and try to work back together over the following months/years. We all know almost all the reasons why that never works. I told her we needed to finalize the divorce I filed last year and start splitting stuff up. She agreed without hesitation.

Still not believing this is really happening, I started making moves by emailing my lawyer and a couple home buying sites (she said I could stay in the house but selling is the only way to walk away debt free) and looking for a rental for my son and I (first marriage was a cheater too, go figure. I've had custody of him since 4, he's now 16.) And everything is now moving crazy fast. She somehow got approved for an apartment in her small hometown (which AP still lives with wife and kids) and moves in this coming Friday. Her and my stepdaughter have been packing nonstop.

I've had no emotional breakdowns, except when we told the kids. My son is pissed off with my STBXW and my stepdaughter is focused on taking care of her mom. These kids are 16 and 15, and we've been together since they were 4 and 3. My WW still professes she loves me, wants us to still sleep on the same bed, sex, kissing and holding hands, etc. Until she moves out anyways, which I of course agreed bc I still want her. It's tearing me in half a bit, but I'm OK. I absolutely do not want the D but am not going to try and talk her out of it. She thinks that whenever she's calls I'll come running, which I won't. I've told her I'll always love her and will be loving towards her until the day she walks out. Then I hate her for giving up and taking the easy way out, and what she did to me and our family. I plan to use that anger to drive me, motivate me to make sure any time she feels like creeping on Social Media she'll find me living my best life. It may be petty, but still...

This isn't what I want, I know I'm better off without, but that doesn't change how i feel. I know once the dust settles I'll be fine. 20 years in the military and I've always been paycheck to paycheck, no savings, etc (she liked expensive gifts.) Now, with selling my house I'm making enough to pay off ALL debts. I'm paying off her car, and get to keep the rest (around $70k). Family size cut in half, no debt, and I soon start my post military job. I'll be collecting a retirement check, disability check, and paycheck. In TX, 100% disabled vets pay no property tax (extra $9k+ a year.) The biggest stressor we've had besides the affair was money. Frankly I'll be swimming in it. While she will undoubtedly need help to get by, her job doesn't pay a lot. All the things we planned to do, places to travel to, are now within financial reach for me and she isn't going to be here to share. Her loss!

While I love my WW very much, I'm actually getting excited for the future and a fresh start. I plan to remain in my step daughter's life, and I plan to not pick up the phone when the Ex WW calls. It's time to work on ME, build my self-confidence, work on shortcomings, regain my masculinity. Thanks to the NMMNG book I know the next relationship I enter will be completely different! When she talks about coming back together down the road I squash it by telling her the person I'm turning into would never date a cheater! I close on the house in a couple of weeks and applied for a rental house that'll give me time to plan my next BIG step!

Hope some will be comforted by this post,I never thought there was light at the end of the tunnel either, but for me there truly is!

[This message edited by BrokenChief at 1:23 PM, Sunday, May 1st]

I'm 37, WW is 36. DDAY: Jul '21

EA started in March 21, then she left me Apr 21 and started PA.AP was one of my only friends and he was also the husband of WW's friend.

Currently in R. Some days better than others...

posts: 13   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2021   ·   location: Texas
id 8733006
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 2:34 PM on Sunday, May 1st, 2022

Sorry you're posting in this section. You sound was that the M is ending (it is sad), but there's optimism here, too. I'm glad you have things you're planning on your future.

BW, Dday 1: 2/18, Dday 2: 8/19, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1080   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8733013
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robinbird12 ( new member #80235) posted at 2:48 PM on Sunday, May 1st, 2022

Welcome to our club! The best club no one wants to be a member of.

This is actually the best section, because once you are through here you have a happy peaceful life! I was so desperate to R with my WH without really considering what a life without trust would feel like. What it would be like to know my husband had done that to me. Now, my future will be different, but I know it can free of that hurt and pain and fear and stress.

But yes, it’s absolutely hell to know the person you love so much doesn’t feel the same way. That all your future hopes and dreams are crushed. Past memories tainted. Family changed forever. It’s a LOT to deal with. It’s a lot of loss at once. We are all taking it one day at a time. Grieving this enormous loss bit by bit. I still miss my WH sooo much, the person I thought he was, the marriage I hoped we could have. But I have occasional good days too and you will too.

Your future sounds very bright, I’m sure you will be so happy in a year. In two years travelling with a woman you are crazy about and she is crazy about you back.

But you have to go through hell first to get there, so welcome to hell 😝

Betrayed Wife, 39

2 preschool age children

Year long affair, he left me for the OW in Feb 2022

*Divorcing ... in settlement hell*

posts: 48   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8733015
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 6:57 PM on Sunday, May 1st, 2022

No one here in S/D wanted to end up here. But it’s where a lot of healing can happen.

I’m sorry you are here, but glad that you are moving forward with your life.

Be sure the OBS knows, and then focus fully on your post-military life. It’s going to be wonderful.

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 10:07 PM, Sunday, May 1st]

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4701   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8733045
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 8:02 PM on Sunday, May 1st, 2022

I am excited for you too!

Love your plan. Love your enthusiasm and optimism.

Rock on!

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11862   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8733050
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 8:58 PM on Sunday, May 1st, 2022

Let the OBS know that the OW in her marriage is moving into her town.

I think you will be better off without her.

posts: 4332   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8733054
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 7:15 PM on Tuesday, May 3rd, 2022

You need to stop having sex with her and sharing any kind of physical or emotional intimacy ASAP.

First and foremost, I-love-yours and sex allow her to think that what she did wasn't so bad and validate her desirability. She doesn't deserve to feel validated nor does deserve the ego boost at your expense. She fired you from the role of husband; it's time to stop giving her the benefits of having one.

Second, you're making it much harder for yourself to heal. You might end up making decisions during the course of the divorce that are not in your best interests because you're still actively engaged in the relationship. If you don't start detaching yourself from her now, then your withdrawal once she moves out will be about 10x worse, potentially causing you to do really foolish things like stalk her social media, call or text her all the time, try to meet with her, etc. You may even end up agreeing to a "friends with benefits" arrangement that will make it impossible for you to move on.

Third, I think it's quite likely she's cheating again or possibly dipping her toe into the dating pool. The last thing you want is to start your brand-new life with an STD. You also don't want to risk the possibility that she will become pregnant, which will certainly complicate the entire divorce process.

I know this is really hard, but you are still in the prime of your life and have much to look forward to in the future. I think you owe it to yourself to start the next phase of your life now and leave her in your past... regardless of the fact that you're still under the same roof.

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 737   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8733360
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 BrokenChief (original poster new member #79372) posted at 1:56 PM on Wednesday, May 4th, 2022

Thanks Blue, a few days ago I did just that by telling her to move into the spare room. She got offended I removed her from my FB and fired back "well I guess I'll change your name in my phone" which was Hubba Hubba. I asked the point in delaying the inevitable, we're 2 days away from being completely separated and a couple weeks from finalizing the divorce. She acts offended that I'm not giving her what she wants, but I find it incredibly empowering. I honestly don't think she's messing around physically- she hasn't left the house bc she works from home and has been packing. She can't get pregnant though she never makes anyone use a condom. I'm sure she's talking to people/texting/messaging but he'll, so am I 😆. It does help to be able to focus attention elsewhere, and while I'm going to need the occasional encounter I have no desire to delve into any relationship until I get further along with working on myself and ensuring history doesn't repeat itself.

Thanks everyone for the advice. I read every reply, even a couple of times, it helps me if I doubt the decisions

I'm 37, WW is 36. DDAY: Jul '21

EA started in March 21, then she left me Apr 21 and started PA.AP was one of my only friends and he was also the husband of WW's friend.

Currently in R. Some days better than others...

posts: 13   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2021   ·   location: Texas
id 8733525
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EyesOpened50 ( member #54610) posted at 4:31 PM on Wednesday, May 4th, 2022

Keep moving forward that's the key!!

Keeping it civil until the house sells is very important and the divorce goes through, as no extra drama is required!!

You're nearly through to the other side, can you see the light yet - it's very close!!

Keep a hold, then enjoy the peace and tranquilly you deserve!

posts: 72   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2016   ·   location: UK
id 8733558
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