The last week+ has been a roller coaster. After having good MC session on Monday 2 weeks ago and ZERO issues (the last time we argued was 3-4 weeks ago when I demanded WW take a poly and she refused) well the Thursday before last she asked to go to the park (this was our spot for heavy convo) she told me she still was very unhappy, felt like a prisoner in body, mind, and home, and she wanted one again to separate so she could prove her independence and find herself (the same story she gave last summer while getting railed by my ex BFF.) Her idea was to live separately but still do counseling and try to work back together over the following months/years. We all know almost all the reasons why that never works. I told her we needed to finalize the divorce I filed last year and start splitting stuff up. She agreed without hesitation.
Still not believing this is really happening, I started making moves by emailing my lawyer and a couple home buying sites (she said I could stay in the house but selling is the only way to walk away debt free) and looking for a rental for my son and I (first marriage was a cheater too, go figure. I've had custody of him since 4, he's now 16.) And everything is now moving crazy fast. She somehow got approved for an apartment in her small hometown (which AP still lives with wife and kids) and moves in this coming Friday. Her and my stepdaughter have been packing nonstop.
I've had no emotional breakdowns, except when we told the kids. My son is pissed off with my STBXW and my stepdaughter is focused on taking care of her mom. These kids are 16 and 15, and we've been together since they were 4 and 3. My WW still professes she loves me, wants us to still sleep on the same bed, sex, kissing and holding hands, etc. Until she moves out anyways, which I of course agreed bc I still want her. It's tearing me in half a bit, but I'm OK. I absolutely do not want the D but am not going to try and talk her out of it. She thinks that whenever she's calls I'll come running, which I won't. I've told her I'll always love her and will be loving towards her until the day she walks out. Then I hate her for giving up and taking the easy way out, and what she did to me and our family. I plan to use that anger to drive me, motivate me to make sure any time she feels like creeping on Social Media she'll find me living my best life. It may be petty, but still...
This isn't what I want, I know I'm better off without, but that doesn't change how i feel. I know once the dust settles I'll be fine. 20 years in the military and I've always been paycheck to paycheck, no savings, etc (she liked expensive gifts.) Now, with selling my house I'm making enough to pay off ALL debts. I'm paying off her car, and get to keep the rest (around $70k). Family size cut in half, no debt, and I soon start my post military job. I'll be collecting a retirement check, disability check, and paycheck. In TX, 100% disabled vets pay no property tax (extra $9k+ a year.) The biggest stressor we've had besides the affair was money. Frankly I'll be swimming in it. While she will undoubtedly need help to get by, her job doesn't pay a lot. All the things we planned to do, places to travel to, are now within financial reach for me and she isn't going to be here to share. Her loss!
While I love my WW very much, I'm actually getting excited for the future and a fresh start. I plan to remain in my step daughter's life, and I plan to not pick up the phone when the Ex WW calls. It's time to work on ME, build my self-confidence, work on shortcomings, regain my masculinity. Thanks to the NMMNG book I know the next relationship I enter will be completely different! When she talks about coming back together down the road I squash it by telling her the person I'm turning into would never date a cheater! I close on the house in a couple of weeks and applied for a rental house that'll give me time to plan my next BIG step!
Hope some will be comforted by this post,I never thought there was light at the end of the tunnel either, but for me there truly is!
[This message edited by BrokenChief at 1:23 PM, Sunday, May 1st]