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Newest Member: Misery

New Beginnings :
Would This Hurt Your Feelings?

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 Fablegirl (original poster member #56784) posted at 9:59 PM on Tuesday, April 19th, 2022

Been with SO going on 4 years. He's an emotional avoidant, divorced and never had children. He really loved his elderly pet cat, who took a turn for the worse over the holiday weekend and expired. I went over to SO's house for the evening as I usually do 2 or 3 times a week. I figured he might want company. I made dinner and he lay on the couch watching television with a blanket over him. Our usual habit is for me to lie on the couch with him. This time, however, I asked if I could snuggle up with him and he answered, "I am comfortable here as it is." This is not the first time he's brushed me off like that but it was unexpected and hurt, coming off some other stresses. I went and read in the other room and tried not to cry. A close friend said I may be codpendent in expecting that he wanted to be comforted (anticipating needs that aren't there), but it still hurts. Am I overreacting?

posts: 234   ·   registered: Jan. 9th, 2017   ·   location: Mid Atlantic
id 8730639
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papoula ( member #39079) posted at 6:59 PM on Wednesday, April 20th, 2022

I may not be the right person to answer this question as I am very co-dependant myself but I would be extremely hurt and pissed off by this.

I think it is totally fine that he wanted to be by himself on the couch but there are ways and there are ways to say it.

He could have said something simple like: "I always enjoy to snuggle with you but today I'm not doing so well and I would like to just lay here by myself." That's what I would do.

But on the other hand, you can communicate that to him. You can say that the way he brushed you off hurt your feelings and ask that next time he would be a little more polite and considerate when answering you. If he truly cares about you he will apologize and next time he will do it better. In my marriage I would communicate things like this to my WH and he would criticize me because obviously he didn't give a crap.

When you love and care about someone you care about their feelings. To me is that simple.

Me: BS 41 years oldHim: WH 44 years old1st DDay 2013 and several others after that Married 10 yearsMoving forward with separation and divorce

posts: 143   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2013   ·   location: United States
id 8730774
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 11:37 PM on Thursday, April 21st, 2022

I can't stand sympathy when I'm truly hurt. I think some people are just built like that.

BW: 2004(online EAs),
2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 38 years;
in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5451   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8731007
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Trapped74 ( member #49696) posted at 12:28 AM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

^^ This. When I am truly hurting, someone trying to comfort me can sometimes just be the worst, especially if I'm doing my damnedest not to lose it.

He's grieving, and being, as you say, "emotional avoidant" is trying NOT to show or experience the grief. That was pretty much me up until DDay.

However, you may want to examine whether this is something you can really deal with long-term.... As we get older, life's losses get a lot more common. If he can't/won't open up to you about them...?

Many DDays. Me (BW) 46 Him (WH) 49
Happily detached and compartmentalized.

posts: 215   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2015   ·   location: Oregon
id 8731015
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morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 1:05 AM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

I'm saying the following because I've been there and I care. The following is not a put-down, it is a reality-check.

You have very low standards for what you'll accept from this guy: 4 years of seeing him a few nights a week mostly at his place, and accepting his emotional avoidance. With a guy like this, who chooses to keep his relationship with you like this and treats you like this, it's clear that the relationship will not go anywhere beyond where it is. You're the chick who comes over to keep him from being lonely and horny a few nights a week, and he doesn't have any qualms about withholding cuddling when he doesn't feel like it.

The relationship won't get better from here. Reflect and ask yourself if this is the quality of relationship you want.

[This message edited by morningglory at 11:47 AM, Saturday, May 14th]

posts: 174   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8731025
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 3:26 AM on Friday, April 22nd, 2022

Fable, when I read your post, I really understood your SO’s reaction. I had a worse reaction to my pets dying than I did with either parent dying. And I isolate when I am like that— I want support but from a distance. (Same when I am sick… just how I am.)


If this is one time thing, then I think it’s a chance to have a discussion of his reaction and how you felt. See what he says. He really just might have been hurting a lot.

If you thing this is a piece of a bigger issue— his emotional avoidance for example - well then you need to examine that.

Good luck!

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4714   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8731053
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