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Wayward Side :
Letter to ap

stop

 Ash2861 (original poster new member #80233) posted at 3:00 PM on Saturday, April 16th, 2022

My husband has wanted me to write a nasty letter to my Ap and I have an he says it’s not god enough that it needs to destroy his manhood. Need advice

Ash2861

posts: 2   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022   ·   location: Mn
id 8730088
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HFSSC ( member #33338) posted at 3:10 PM on Saturday, April 16th, 2022

I don't have any advice about writing this letter, but if that is your real name in your tagline, I urge you to remove it immediately. For your own protection and privacy. Others will be here to give you advice on your situation.

Me, 54
Him, 45 (JMSSC)
Married 24 years. Reconciled.

posts: 4701   ·   registered: Sep. 12th, 2011   ·   location: South Carolina
id 8730090
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forgettableDad ( member #72192) posted at 6:07 PM on Saturday, April 16th, 2022

What HFSSC said about names.

Also, advice?

Don't.

The only piece of communication that should happen is an NC letter. After that. No contact. Nothing good will come of it.

Your husband will need to find a healthier way to deal with your infidelity. The AP wouldn't give a shit - it won't "destroy his manhood" it would just indicate that your husband is weak.

[This message edited by forgettableDad at 6:08 PM, Saturday, April 16th]

posts: 291   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2019
id 8730119
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 Ash2861 (original poster new member #80233) posted at 7:55 PM on Saturday, April 16th, 2022

Thanks for the advice on the name change. Also I think you are right though how do I tell him that or make him understand?

Ash2861

posts: 2   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022   ·   location: Mn
id 8730127
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 8:01 PM on Saturday, April 16th, 2022

I would ask him if he wants you to open up another line of communication with AP at all. After all, communicating with him brought you here in the first place.

Have you read "how to help your spouse heal from an affair?" Its one of the first books everyone here recommends. Its a really good, concise read that helps you and your BH come to grips with what has happened and where to go from here.

Writing it to the AP may he a useful execise if you are the one penning the words. However, sending it would do more harm than good.

WW Dday July 2019

posts: 656   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8730128
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forgettableDad ( member #72192) posted at 10:25 PM on Saturday, April 16th, 2022

Also I think you are right though how do I tell him that or make him understand?

You can't make him do anything.

We don't know anything about your relationship, your infidelity, your husband, etc. How far are you from him discovering your affair? are you in NC? are you guys trying to reconcile? are you in therapy? is he?

He needs to deal with his pain. You can't be the vehicle for that and it's destructive for him to try. It's ok for you to tell him "no" on demands which make you uncomfortable.

posts: 291   ·   registered: Dec. 1st, 2019
id 8730139
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Bor9455 ( member #72628) posted at 11:04 PM on Monday, April 18th, 2022

My husband has wanted me to write a nasty letter to my Ap and I have an he says it’s not god enough that it needs to destroy his manhood. Need advice

Why does he want to write a nasty letter?

What he is asking you write to destroy this other man's manhood?

Your husband is in pain, and deep pain from what has happened to him. If I had to guess, your affair has shattered him in ways that make him feel less than a man. Since you didn't share any details, what about your story that he learned maybe from others or through discovery that could make him feel this way? Was it videos, photos or messages between you and the AP where you are tearing him down as a man or husband?

The other posters are right though, there should be a firm no contact established between you and the AP. A very direct message sent via text or email will suffice. As long as contact or rather the lines of communication between you and AP are still open, the affair is not really over, but dormant.

Rather than writing a nasty letter to satisfy your husband's, let's call it a revenge fantasy, what are you doing as a wayward spouse to go from destroyer to healer? Have you read "How to hope your spouse heal" and begun taking on some of the work of rebuilder? Your husband is clearly upset and hurt, or he wouldn't have asked for the letter. It is fine to be mad at AP, but he isn't married to the AP, he is married to you. Destroying the AP's manhood or even the thought that he did that will not change anything and it will further contact between you and the AP.

My advice to you would be to make sure that you've sent the no contact message to the AP and that you've excised him from your life for good. Block and delete his number, his email, his social media accounts, etc. etc. Get yourself into therapy to work on your issues and your boundaries as well as read the book and figure out how you can try and provide some sort of safety for him your husband and be a healer for him at this moment of upheaval. I would remain firm with your husband that you are have no more contact with this AP under any circumstances.

Myself - BH & WH - 35 years (05/24/1985)Her - BW & WW - 34 years (05/25/1986)<P>D-Day for WW's EA - October 2017D-Day no it turned PA - February 01, 2020

posts: 207   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2020   ·   location: Miami
id 8730415
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Bulcy ( member #74034) posted at 4:58 PM on Wednesday, April 20th, 2022

I think that we any letter written to AP should be either an honest summary of how you feel post affair and the damage that has been caused because of your actions. Telling AP how you regret everything that has happened and you will now be focussed on your marriage. This letter is for your BS to read and not to be sent to AP. The second option is, as suggested, a formal NC letter, e-mail or text message. This contains minimal information and ends the affair and asks for no further contact. Do not ask for a reply and once sent delete the former AP contact details and NEVER contact them again.

Do as your BS is asking, I feel, will make AP feel that they have some power or control over your BS. They will probably know that this letter was written because your BS has asked and who knows what they will think about that? Either option above, short and to the point give closure and do not leave further options for AP to contact you again.

So many of us have broken NC one way or another. Once you’ve told AP that the affair is over and NC is in place stick with it.

WH (40's) Me. Emotional affair (2017), Physical affair (2003) and online affairs, Two physical affairs (2000). D-Day's 2003, August '17, multiple discoveries through 2018,19 and 20, and Jan 21

posts: 175   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8730760
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